Restructure- on your own terms

Phone Notes & Private Endnotes

3 men- they seem oh so quiet. Some days she could almost only hear her own voice resonating.

Still, they recognise her great flaws and put up with her imperfections...

*************

"Hey, it's me," would be her first sentence whenever she calls him at work.

Dope always knows it is her.

A deep mumble that sounds like a "hey", followed by silence would be Dope's style if he dials for her.

Either way, the conversation usually last no more than ten seconds.

The dawn of their shady arrangement marked a phenomenon. They no longer address each other by the name. He is "Dope" to P. She is mostly a mumbled "hey" to him. "Miss P" is only uttered endearingly on those rare private moments where a sensous P would rouse his restrained disposition to generosity and lightness of spirit.

Impersonal yet familiar.

Onwards- their lives continue in parrallel. Fates sealed. Everything and nothing has changed.
Status quo- though once in his emphatic state, he professed to wanting to make her happy. To make up for everything. Lost time of what could have been.

So how does that work?

Separate as their private lives would be. Mainly hinted, rarely discussed. They get an inkling of the other.

As he mainly kept his hands and desires to himself, P continues to master the art of patience. While she runs her hands through his face, feeling his skin and stroking his intimate regions and proceeding on to give him great pleasure, he gets part lost in his indulgence but he battles on to curb his straying hands from getting well acquainted with each part of her body.

***************
Part I

"Hola, esta M?" she would begin (in his nickname or rather in her inebriated and high state, she woke up in the arms of this beautiful stranger whom she had for the entire night believed to be named so) over the phone.

"Hey P..." the conversation would then continue. He would pick up her voice despite the passing of time.

It always starts with "how are you?" asked in his polite and restrained tone. Polite with a capital "P".

He is always a boy of few words but is one who could still maintain a conversation. And his eyes and looks are one to kill for. He has an attentiveness in him that makes a girl feel special when she speaks. Most importantly, his eyes look sincere and he always has follow up questions to seem that he has paid attention or was interested in the topic.

After his last visit to her, she stopped her usual phone habit.

Post intimacy. Post too many things- he asked her why and she told him. Everything.

He always looked back on those times in Paris and thought about her.When he flew over, he meant to make it up to her. For the hurt he caused her in Paris and what he was to learn from this trip. A permanent scar he had unwittingly resulted for her to bear further in the annals of her errant life. She braved that smile with a shrug while her tears streamed, which only further added to his shame and pain as he held her tightly and fought back the emotions glistening in his eyes.

Funny how, despite it all, the emotions and intimacies they shared, the trust she has in him and the utmost hospitality he received from the introductions into her private domestic life extending to non-immediate family members hitherto not experienced by any of her guys (yes, covering a huge area of her personal territory that even DL has not yet been exposed to), M is still very much a stranger lover.

They spend the New Year weekend and then he was gone.

So how was that supposed to contribute to her happiness?

Part II- Post Visit

"Hi M (real name now)..." A tad more formal. With the dawn of truth.

"Hey P..." As usual, he never disappoints her (with failure of voice recognition, a major setback for a phonephobic like P).

Ironically, with the frequency of working late nights (that comes with free cab charges home) and the current weekly inter-state trips she bus-ses each weekend to see her Designated Beloved with her growing affection for DL, her calls to M, too has become regular. The undercurrent continues to seethe as he attempts to cautiously draw clues from the conversations on her current status, which she too, has grown receptive to deflect attention away. After all, she hates to lie. And like him, she remains curious, only to contend within herself, musing- what's the point?

***********
"Hi Darling, how are you?" It is always bright, cheery and positive.

Just like how she continued to trudge on in their joint lives.

She is also a P to DL. Except it is a different P from Dope's.

They used never to have anything to say to each other as he was far removed from the going ons of her daily life. Dope always got to know first hand about her professional well being while DL has little knowledge or interest or understanding to empathise. She then played more of the role of a problem solver to DL.

However, things have begin to change. And slowly, he is beginning to speak her language.

The change in circumstances has made communications more manageable and really enjoyable. Finally, they are coming together and like most normal couples, have resumed daily interaction. Conversational topics always begin with the routine on how he is doing at work, the dog (if she has been good or if she has been fed or if anything interesting happened to her or if she was having the right colour poo) and followed by banter with a financial slant. As usual, she leads the topic and pushes for further reform or strategies in their lives. Some days, DL drops his pearls of wisdom and proffers invaluable insight. If only, he would speak up and would get into it. She always saw that potential in him.

Why? she wonders about his emotional consistency and fidelity towards her. She sensed that he is quite aware of her fallacies and imperfections.

He represents that paramount of consistency and integrity of a superhuman, magnifying the flaws which she perceives inherent her being. Then , she quietly thank her lucky stars but again knowing- that it all comes with a price. Something's got to give. And it did give.

But still, she pushes on and provides him with the support he needs, having faith that they would come together and all pain would forgive and eventually forget.

Perhaps it's their similar childlikeness and ridiculousness in themselves that connect them. Despite the masculinity emanating from her independent character, her redemption to fit him must stem from her neediness or wilful reliance on him as she lacked the necessary domesticated abilities and tenacity to take proper care for herself. And as that boy-next-door who is ever such a sensitive carer, that sharp contrast in her publicly confident leading self with her privately and exclusively neediness must appeal to his soft spot. He must have found himself useful there, maintaining that manly protectiveness over their joint personal lives. And she derives satisfaction from the value she contributes to DL'a life from staying inspired through her constant motivation and support. After all, a successful man is not without a supportive woman. And they fit well like a hand and a glove.

Strangely, despite all the years, never once in his state of passion have he spoken those words of promise to grant her happiness.

He only always aspires to be the most wonderful husband. Since he was a child. And he will. And she will be that lucky girl.

"Oh Daddy..." as she addresses him endearingly constantly representing the persona of their fluffy white ball who does not have the ability to speak but the soul of a human being. As she watches the two play vigorously and observes those quiet moments where he sniffs its tummy affectionately or plants a kiss on its little head and tugs it to bed, she knows that she has placed her faith well. It always leaves her with that warm and fuzzy feeling where she knows that her wandering and disturbed soul would one day find permanent solace.

After all, P never backs the wrong horse.

It all comes with hard work. And so she continues taking lead, playing support and marking the little milestones in his life. She knows his success would too be hers. Quite like the way she meant for adult life to be. And six years on, the hard work is paying off...

At times like this, she wished that she could have been one that is truly contented to live in domestic bliss or to perecive life with rosy tinted glasses- let DL be able to fulfil his manly role of the Carer, take that conceited"I" out of the equation and believe in the natural goodness of life. That things would fall into its natural place.

But no, I think I have fought hard enough for the good things to happen...