Restructure- on your own terms

Dukka

Perhaps the hardest things to write about are the things that matters most. The people who have a way of striking a deep chord in your heart. With the precision of a surgeon, they cut you right there. And you allow yourself to bleed and hurt. Then for some reason, when all is well and healing, you re-visit and prod at that old wound and re-open it, allowing yourself to weaken again. And start that vicious cycle of bleed, hurt and heal, bleed, hurt and heal until you become numb to the pain and addicted to that indulgent act of self-destruction...

You continue to be trapped in your own dukka...

******
M is ever so capable of stealing her heart. Twice over.

She has allowed it. And so she bears the consequences.

*******
She had willed herself for an extended period of time to stop writing to him.

Then there was also that trip to Hong Kong that he had anticpated and that she had promised to make before September.

It is now already October and P has not stepped her foot into that island.

Every so often when she headed down to the travel agent to quote for a return trip to Hong Kong, she grew apprehensive.

She oscillated between staying practical and delaying closure.

She debated within herself that M could not justify for that financial outlay of more than $1000 after all the hurt and anger that he had inflicted on him. Then what of it if she makes it there for that one week or so? She could only return with an even broken heart that she had taken time to heal gradually. What is the point?

Then, there was also the other voice within her that would not let go. The faster she were to see him next, the sooner the closure to that chapter. Especially when he leaves Asia and continue onwards in his worldly travels, P would never know where to track him down next. Maybe it would be too emotionally draining and practically impossible to do so as she gets stuck at the other side of the world. She thinks she lack his youth and boldness....

After all, M is a young boy with many adventures out there for him to chase- oh so typical of his culture and his worldly upbringing where he takes time to smell the roses.

Whereas P is ever so practical, socially ambitious and career driven who just wants to get on financially in her life (as M observed) and always seem to have a demeanour of impatience, going about life in a hurry (another of M's observations).

Best to leave it like an open-ended ticket, both knowing full well they have a date to meet and come together again but all to be determined at a future date. And only when P is ready...


***********

She is still sucker for him despite it all.

He wrote back on Friday and signed off with "besos" after months of resistance. Before, perhaps to do the right thing or perhaps, he has stopped loving her.

Or perhaps she doesn't matter now and so those words were so easily and cheaply expressed?

The undercurrent between them continues to seethe further despite the Truth being out in the open. Hers that is. She left nothing to his imagination and told him everything he wanted and needed to know. They were not to repeat that topic again. Ironically, it merely served to heighten their need to second-guess the other's private relationship status as they occasionally and very carefully, alluded to the subject and searched for their own clues...

And still after so long, she still preciously cherished those words and allows such thriftily conceived gestures of affection to light up her being...

How stupid can one be, knowing full well the emotional trappings that lay ahead?