Restructure- on your own terms

Rollercoaster...

Her emotions are taken on a rollercoaster ride again. And now it's only mid day on her end and she had experienced a gamat of high spirits that is now gradually going downhill...

DL phoned this morning with news that caught her by surprise. He went for an interview today (without telling her, hopefully to not jinx it) for a job in professional services and before he could ask any intelligent sounding questions (which she had prepped him for many a zillionth time for that hopeful big break), the Big Man was discussing contracts with him before he could take it all in and a sum quite above the market rate in her opinion is put on the table. But they are holding their breaths for a bit. After all, things might well go under the table. Not till he gets the contract, then they read the fine print and then she might get him to ask more questions before signing on the dotted lines. They had too many misses where things fucked up at the eleventh hour for him that they now reside on the more cautionary and pessimistic side of hope. Silently, she glowed but took care to suppress her elation...

Then the Big boss gathered the team some twenty minutes ago to make an announcement. Her master, the King has resigned and will head off to a rival firm. The air was tense. No one knew what to say. After all, this is a real tight-knittedfamily. She kept her mouth shut because she has enough to worry about her career at the moment and most importantly, the team is down to one and that is her. A fledeling mapper who had ridden on the coat tails of the King. It's sink or swim now Babe, the thought challenges her but then she's sad... What is she going to do without her B Sir (she would call him endearingly)? When B Sir said that to her the last time, she suppressed the tears that welled up because she knew it was a matter of time for her departure as negotiations are in the works for her. She thinks that she's likely not to be here any longer too...

When she tried opening up her mouth, she said weakly, taking care to suppress her choked voice and said, "We'll miss you..."

The happy family unit is falling apart... the dynamics would change for good...

Why is she so overwhelmed with sadness, she asked herself?After all, life is welded by so many partings and endings.

Then she realised maybe it's because she's beginning to have a soul....

But in January, her best friend rightly pointed it out to her during P's attempt to rationalise her escalating depression and sappiness when her visiting friend was due to leave. P has always been the first to leave and she was never the person who saw anyone off. She came and go as she wished and always played the role of the seasoned foreign local who gets a good welcoming home... Or fate would intervene and made the hard decisions easy for her.She never stayed long enough anywhere and has been in the physical and mental state of transition for the past 10 years and even when young, her mind was always wandering and believing that she would leave her place of birth and live life elsewhere. Onwards- she has that mindset ingrained in her...So when her best friend sank into grief and so did her other friends some ten years ago, she could not understand why...

So something reinforced within her today- that, perhaps she has a long way to learning the emotion of detachment from playing the role of "the deserted"... She has been a deserter for too long...