Restructure- on your own terms

At Age 32...

It has dawned on me that I am ready to throw in the towel.

To work, that is.

Each day, I feel the dread going to work, especially since my nasty defeat last week where my boss came into town and grinded all the efforts I have garnered into dust particles. I feel like I have taken two steps forwards but thrown four steps backwards.

I felt beaten to the ground.

It was not the nicest scene to be witnessing the near interrogation session about my performance.

Apparently being in bonus territory is not enough for me to achieve my revenue targets. I have been improving my revenue numbers but still it's not good enough.

With clenched fists(mentally) and teeth (almost visibly) and my anger waiting to boil over any minute (apparent in the deep breath I took), I had a bit of an exchange with my boss, whilst trying not to sound too argumentative. I had to stand my ground.

*****

I actually felt wronged for a big part- 80%, I would say. I felt boiling angry to say the least.

Somehow it reminded me of my days as a headhunter where I was such a bloody yes man. I was stressed, unhappy and tired. Most importantly, I felt underappreciated.

I was determined not to be put down unjustly this time.

This time round, I am not going to take anything lying down.

It didn't help that I became aware that my boss had logged onto my server and email remotely and reading my email in my inbox of which I haven't opened.

The great news is your truly rarely writes personal emails at work, with only 2 persons with access to it- Gof and the Dopey Dope. My communication with these two guys are limited to literally one or two-liners, happening on an ad hoc basis, just to either arrange for lunch together with the former and to check that the latter is still alive and not buried under work. So really, there isn't anything too scintillating to find.

All this accumulated dissatisfaction only served to stir up my temper. I feel like a walking time bomb waiting to explode.


****

The truth is I hate working for people. I mean it.

Perhaps being my own boss for the past few years have given me a surge of self confidence and assurance. I wasn't going to let anyone push me around.

The stress levels I have experienced as a salaried employee is a good ten times that of being a struggling self-employed person.

I feel rather out of control and trapped.

So here I am back in the drawing board, finding ways to get out of my predicament.

Solutions, solutions.

I have come out with one.

With the arrival of Spring and summer to come, DL and I need to step up our game with his business, which is tracking along fine. As usual, we can always do better.

I now need to set up another business to complement what we currently do. It was something that we used to do, made good money but it was too labour intensive and physically demanding for us both. With our trusted casual employee long gone back to his home country, I need a fit and able bodied man to do the job.

Instead of me doing the physical hard work, I am going to get someone to do the job, split the money with that someone and then collect the earnings by doing nothing, except the initial marketing and client liason. Still, I should make more than I do slogging away at work.

This way, DL and I can use more of our brains than our limbs and grow our business exponentially. The freaking business we lost good money to did taught us a good thing or two. I will not allow myself to have spent $400k in vain.

I have been spending all weekend thinking of a solution to get out of my employment misery. And there it is. What perfect timing given the time of the year!

I have posted ads to look for potential hires but already have someone in mind. So far, I got 2 CVs. One looks promising but I am not 100% sure.

Tomorrow I will be meeting someone I have in mind. We'll see how it goes.

If I can strike up an arrangement, I would really love to quit my job by the end of this month. Heck waiting for the bonus to get into my bank account. After all, my clients can be such bad payers and I don't get paid until they freaking pay up. I haven't the time to wait for a pittance of my quarterly bonus which I can easily make in my own business within a day or two. But still, I have grown prudent with age and will need to play by ear and access the situation as I go along. Well, at least I would give myself another 2 months or so with the job.

At age 32, I figure life is too short to be stressed over nothing. Really, I don't need any old job to survive. I can survive alright by creating my own job, thank you very much.

DL and I have been down in dumps before, so how much deeper can a shithole get, really?

Just the other day, we realised we have been in business for nearly 2 years now.

I haven't regretted it one bit despite more downs than ups.

Maybe it's a sign that I am finally growing up and feeling a little more sensible?

I stop having the drive I used to have or the competitive edge so to speak.

I now understand why B always wanted a simple life and didn't care for the career advancement. I guess the only thing I can never understand is why she whinges about how she hates each mediocre government job she has downscaled her salary for from the corporate world but continues hopping from one "simple" job to another, feeling unfulfilled and uninspired so many times over. I have lost track of where she works.

I would rather not work in that case. I must say she is someone who has the option to do so since she is married to someone who is established and doing well in his career. Having a child and another on the way is a GREAT excuse or shall I say, valid reason not to work. Morning sickness and work does not go hand in hand. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. I certainly would love to know I don't have to clock into a day job should I so be interested to fall pregnant and have a baby. I do have that old school mentality that a child should never be too far from his or her mother, especially between the age of 0 and 5. What good is there for someone to want a family without being able to spend time with the family he or she creates?

I mean life is too short. Too short to fade into nothingness and inertia or rather, unfulfilment of any kind.

Surely there must be something more to life apart from work and survival for a female aged 30 and beyond even if one has the adult responsibility of family duties?

Well, at least my take is that life 30 and beyond for me, a female is more than just that. It's a time to slowly de-stress and unwind and simply play whilst I work. The wisdom and savviness gained from the foolishness of my youth will serve as my strength in reserve. I will learn my lesson well and aim to spend more time playing than physically working and mentally stressing.

Plus the reason why a lady gets married, to put it in a sexist way, is so one can have someone to depend on in hard time, isn't it? I recalled a socialite in Manila once said to me on marriage, "Choose well." Wise words indeed. I am of that believer that if you cannot make anything out of your own capabilities or haven't the fortune to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth, the good news for woman (again sexist but conventional view) is there is that OPTION to choose a suitable life partner to make the rest of your life a lot easier when you come of age from 18 onwards. But the word of caution is "Choose Wisely".

I often wondered if I have grown to feel defeated with life, given my declining competitiveness. But I realise my love for life is still there, except it's for the simpler things in life. I find myself being more competitive within myself and having a more mellow exterior.

Well, perhaps that's where the term "toned down" comes from. Having said that, I guess with the right company, I am still ready to rock and roll, make merry and party. But for the most part, I feel very comfortable in my skin.

So yup,that's my take on how I should live at age 32 and beyond.

Life can only be better with more time for me to do the things I want. After all, I am probably less than two-thirds closer to death. If I don't play now and do the things I aim to do before I die, when I will get round to ticking off my checklist?

I aim for my eulogy to read something like "I have lived larger than life. Cheers to the good life."