Thursday, November 25, 2010
Gripped
It's almost 10am Sad Town time.
I haven't been able to sleep well all night.
I was out the house before 7.30am running errands and taking Fluffball to the vet and by 9am I was home.
DL was out the door for work the same time I did.
The emptiness of the house and me feeling sick from hayfever and my period discomfort are semi-depressing me.
I say semi because I haven't really felt depressed for a long time.
But this morning, I felt something gripped my heart. Like one of those periodic heart squeezes I used to experience everyday of my life when I was living in Sydney.
My energy levels are feeling low at the moment, maybe because I haven't been feeling well. I need to protect my vibe.
The sporadic thoughts of various people in my life and my pending new job gripped me.
Two nights ago and then last night, I began recalling incidents of Dopey and much more about Mr. London that I have long forgotten. I was disturbed that they didn't get lost with time and were still residing somewhere deep in the abyss of my memories. In the past, I would have been disturbed because I stopped remembering. No, they were not sad memories. In fact, they were either funny memories (that gave me a chance to laugh at my own silliness) or ambivalent memories (which I never knew what to make out of and perhaps never will).
The most poignant was the memory of my tormented thoughts of Mr. London. Then I often wondered if he had ever liked me- those years of coming into my life every so often to rock my boat. I have forgotten how important the answer to that question to me was. It unsettled me when that wave of memory came back to remind me of something that I must've have selectively lost since Paris and most importantly, to be gripped by the memory of that pain once more. I don't need to feel it again ever. I am no longer 17, or 20 or 25.
I just saw a picture tagged to Nano's Facebook of his girlfriend and him. They looked great together, probably will make beautiful babies. She was actually one of his ex-girlfriends. When he learnt that DL and I got back together, he asked if I was happy and I said yes, I truly am. As gracious as always, he said he is really happy for me. I was more than a friend to him after all, he said. Some days, I wonder if I didn't cancel my Manila trip, maybe we could have worked towards getting somewhere in the relationship. Plus knowing him, he would most likely want to settle down given the distance. I would have the big society wedding I always wanted. I noticed in the news that their family had recently acquired a significant shareholding in some of the country's conglomerates. Then again, I wonder if I would have done so on a rebound since I was still going through a lot of emotional pain and turmoil post my then split up with DL...
*****
So I laid in bed and mentally, I always had the headcount figure in my head.
How many guys have I fucked?
Out of them, how many did I really like?
To my horror, I could only think of 3- DL, M and Old Boy.
How many guys did I really like but I have never slept with out of my other flings and affairs and in general?
Four- three of which I had some form of intimacy and opportunities to sleep with when we spent the night together but I didn't allow it to happen.
The thought was scary.
It gripped me once more to feel what an errant life I had led.
I know better now to give love when I feel love.
It's almost 10am Sad Town time.
I haven't been able to sleep well all night.
I was out the house before 7.30am running errands and taking Fluffball to the vet and by 9am I was home.
DL was out the door for work the same time I did.
The emptiness of the house and me feeling sick from hayfever and my period discomfort are semi-depressing me.
I say semi because I haven't really felt depressed for a long time.
But this morning, I felt something gripped my heart. Like one of those periodic heart squeezes I used to experience everyday of my life when I was living in Sydney.
My energy levels are feeling low at the moment, maybe because I haven't been feeling well. I need to protect my vibe.
The sporadic thoughts of various people in my life and my pending new job gripped me.
Two nights ago and then last night, I began recalling incidents of Dopey and much more about Mr. London that I have long forgotten. I was disturbed that they didn't get lost with time and were still residing somewhere deep in the abyss of my memories. In the past, I would have been disturbed because I stopped remembering. No, they were not sad memories. In fact, they were either funny memories (that gave me a chance to laugh at my own silliness) or ambivalent memories (which I never knew what to make out of and perhaps never will).
The most poignant was the memory of my tormented thoughts of Mr. London. Then I often wondered if he had ever liked me- those years of coming into my life every so often to rock my boat. I have forgotten how important the answer to that question to me was. It unsettled me when that wave of memory came back to remind me of something that I must've have selectively lost since Paris and most importantly, to be gripped by the memory of that pain once more. I don't need to feel it again ever. I am no longer 17, or 20 or 25.
I just saw a picture tagged to Nano's Facebook of his girlfriend and him. They looked great together, probably will make beautiful babies. She was actually one of his ex-girlfriends. When he learnt that DL and I got back together, he asked if I was happy and I said yes, I truly am. As gracious as always, he said he is really happy for me. I was more than a friend to him after all, he said. Some days, I wonder if I didn't cancel my Manila trip, maybe we could have worked towards getting somewhere in the relationship. Plus knowing him, he would most likely want to settle down given the distance. I would have the big society wedding I always wanted. I noticed in the news that their family had recently acquired a significant shareholding in some of the country's conglomerates. Then again, I wonder if I would have done so on a rebound since I was still going through a lot of emotional pain and turmoil post my then split up with DL...
*****
So I laid in bed and mentally, I always had the headcount figure in my head.
How many guys have I fucked?
Out of them, how many did I really like?
To my horror, I could only think of 3- DL, M and Old Boy.
How many guys did I really like but I have never slept with out of my other flings and affairs and in general?
Four- three of which I had some form of intimacy and opportunities to sleep with when we spent the night together but I didn't allow it to happen.
The thought was scary.
It gripped me once more to feel what an errant life I had led.
I know better now to give love when I feel love.
