Sunday, July 02, 2006
Down Memory Lane: Of Lovers and Broken Dreams
"28/10/04
..."I remember waking up on a Saturday morning and saw the sky and knew it was going to be a beautiful day ("bueno dias", he told me) cos' it was indeed a clear sunny day with blue skies and plus waking up in the arms of someone so georgeous and tender, that was like a dream come true. I touched his face, his little stubby stubs, his eyebrows and his hair. He seemed unreal and I gazed into his beautiful eyes. That feeling was undescribably good. Simply beautiful and filled with tenderness. Lust was part of the deal but not the whole deal. There was a certain beauty to the whole experience. Something to remember for a lifetime. It certainly wasn't love but it was a beautiful feeling. There was so much beauty, I can't even quite descibe it. He was tender and the times where he hugged me so tight (oh, it's been ages since DL did that) like he was in love with me. At that instant, I just wanted to believe just for the hell of it, for just that moment. But my practical mind struggled to say no lest I get hurt. He's after all a young boy with many younger girls to chase and go out with...
Ah well, guess that's that for the night. But again I think I need to sleep on a beautiful dream as tomorrow morning's gonna be a hard and gruelling time for me with regards to Em. So M, it'll still be, that dream (alas, a beautiful one) to sleep on for the night... not unless someone better comes along. But how am I to know? I can't bear to add on to the numbers. I kindda wish to stop and settle for M for the rest of my time in Paris. My "m" is all I need for now. I think..."
"21/11/04
...When it was about 6a.m, we all decided to take off- Me, M, O,T and Sy. I was first to be out of the door (while waiting emotionlessly) and M followed suit. ... When we were downstairs on the streets, I saw "The American Show" stripclub and remembered with nostalgia the day where M playfully covered my eyes while a stripper dance around the pole, flashing her partly covered privates. That sadness came over me again (I thought I was 100% over him but it seems like a no).
So M walked alongside me while the other 2 girls were slowly tagging along behind. He probably felt the awkwardness of the silence and decided to take the initiative to speak. He said he felt so tired he now desperately needed his bed and I said I know and was pleasantly cordial with him. I asked him when he was going to London and he said 2nd December and he asked me what about myself. I said the following Saturday and he said, "Oh, that's too soon." I think it's like what you would say as a pleasantry (KC said the same when I told him I was leaving for Ozland the following month in 1999) as I am wont to do with people.
We took the same train and spoke little...
...So M and I spoke very little on the metro as aforementioned. I asked him what he really planned to do apart from teaching English and he said he said he didn't know. Also, I said to him that if he ever come to Australia, I would host him and he said the same for me too if I go visit Chile.... They alighted at the "Reamur Sebastopol" stop and I kissed the siblings goodbye. That was that and this morning, I woke up with an aching heart for him.
One thing that I should perhaps mention is that when we kissed goodbye, the proximity allowed me to catch the scent of his cologne. Then I remembered it as a familiar smell on that very special night and that even beautiful Saturday morning and that memeory filled my lead- heavy heart with further sadness. It was quiet and suppressed sadness though, as I figured I have resigned to fate. Resigned to the fact that I would never have my wishlist closure with him. To feel that peace in my heart that I could completely and willingly let him go, much as I keep saying to the girls.
It's less than a week to my real departure. A serious departure, nonetheless. The departure of this part of my secret life and my next uncertain journey is making me shaking a little. My only hope is that when I leave this place, I will continue to be friends with M and on the level where I have totally let him go. He is after all, a young girl with many younger girls to chase (like I earlier said) and a guy from a totally different world from mine. I should be thankful that he contributed to that very beauty in my life. Transient it may seem but nonetheless memorable. Good things come in small parcels, just like fine food as Pato told me last night courtesy of his mum's words of wisdom and that is also the attitude that he is taking with regards to his encounter with C.
I have stopped lamenting why my experience with M never got into a deeper level like Pato's and C's. But things happen for a reason like us girls have gathered from this experience. So maybe I'll figure it out better in hindsight when I leave this city of romance. Well, at least I got to taste romance in forms of bitter and sweet in Paris. That is all it should matter.
M stared at my shoes on the metro in silence. Maybe he was lost in his own private thoughts. I had a feeling he meant to say something to me. Perhaps something nice and pleasant to hear, only that he was perhaps afraid that he might give me wrong ideas. I don't know I may be wrong. But what does it really matter?
I reckon I will never find out what happened between us when the lights went down. I searched my darnest memory but still I do not know or recaall. Maybe M would know and in this regard, he got a glimpse of my weakness and it's for him to keep. Strange, how in this sense, he knows something about me that I do not know.
At Pato's apartment last night, I finally had the courage to my usual toast in M's presence. And this toast will and should forever be my motto to life. And it all started in Paris where I shared it with my new found friends. So now I shall end here for the night to my 4 cheers of toast and hopefully, I can find happiness in them. "Cheers/salud/salut ("chin chin") to good life, good health, friendship forever and good sex!" :) "
"28/10/04
..."I remember waking up on a Saturday morning and saw the sky and knew it was going to be a beautiful day ("bueno dias", he told me) cos' it was indeed a clear sunny day with blue skies and plus waking up in the arms of someone so georgeous and tender, that was like a dream come true. I touched his face, his little stubby stubs, his eyebrows and his hair. He seemed unreal and I gazed into his beautiful eyes. That feeling was undescribably good. Simply beautiful and filled with tenderness. Lust was part of the deal but not the whole deal. There was a certain beauty to the whole experience. Something to remember for a lifetime. It certainly wasn't love but it was a beautiful feeling. There was so much beauty, I can't even quite descibe it. He was tender and the times where he hugged me so tight (oh, it's been ages since DL did that) like he was in love with me. At that instant, I just wanted to believe just for the hell of it, for just that moment. But my practical mind struggled to say no lest I get hurt. He's after all a young boy with many younger girls to chase and go out with...
Ah well, guess that's that for the night. But again I think I need to sleep on a beautiful dream as tomorrow morning's gonna be a hard and gruelling time for me with regards to Em. So M, it'll still be, that dream (alas, a beautiful one) to sleep on for the night... not unless someone better comes along. But how am I to know? I can't bear to add on to the numbers. I kindda wish to stop and settle for M for the rest of my time in Paris. My "m" is all I need for now. I think..."
"21/11/04
...When it was about 6a.m, we all decided to take off- Me, M, O,T and Sy. I was first to be out of the door (while waiting emotionlessly) and M followed suit. ... When we were downstairs on the streets, I saw "The American Show" stripclub and remembered with nostalgia the day where M playfully covered my eyes while a stripper dance around the pole, flashing her partly covered privates. That sadness came over me again (I thought I was 100% over him but it seems like a no).
So M walked alongside me while the other 2 girls were slowly tagging along behind. He probably felt the awkwardness of the silence and decided to take the initiative to speak. He said he felt so tired he now desperately needed his bed and I said I know and was pleasantly cordial with him. I asked him when he was going to London and he said 2nd December and he asked me what about myself. I said the following Saturday and he said, "Oh, that's too soon." I think it's like what you would say as a pleasantry (KC said the same when I told him I was leaving for Ozland the following month in 1999) as I am wont to do with people.
We took the same train and spoke little...
...So M and I spoke very little on the metro as aforementioned. I asked him what he really planned to do apart from teaching English and he said he said he didn't know. Also, I said to him that if he ever come to Australia, I would host him and he said the same for me too if I go visit Chile.... They alighted at the "Reamur Sebastopol" stop and I kissed the siblings goodbye. That was that and this morning, I woke up with an aching heart for him.
One thing that I should perhaps mention is that when we kissed goodbye, the proximity allowed me to catch the scent of his cologne. Then I remembered it as a familiar smell on that very special night and that even beautiful Saturday morning and that memeory filled my lead- heavy heart with further sadness. It was quiet and suppressed sadness though, as I figured I have resigned to fate. Resigned to the fact that I would never have my wishlist closure with him. To feel that peace in my heart that I could completely and willingly let him go, much as I keep saying to the girls.
It's less than a week to my real departure. A serious departure, nonetheless. The departure of this part of my secret life and my next uncertain journey is making me shaking a little. My only hope is that when I leave this place, I will continue to be friends with M and on the level where I have totally let him go. He is after all, a young girl with many younger girls to chase (like I earlier said) and a guy from a totally different world from mine. I should be thankful that he contributed to that very beauty in my life. Transient it may seem but nonetheless memorable. Good things come in small parcels, just like fine food as Pato told me last night courtesy of his mum's words of wisdom and that is also the attitude that he is taking with regards to his encounter with C.
I have stopped lamenting why my experience with M never got into a deeper level like Pato's and C's. But things happen for a reason like us girls have gathered from this experience. So maybe I'll figure it out better in hindsight when I leave this city of romance. Well, at least I got to taste romance in forms of bitter and sweet in Paris. That is all it should matter.
M stared at my shoes on the metro in silence. Maybe he was lost in his own private thoughts. I had a feeling he meant to say something to me. Perhaps something nice and pleasant to hear, only that he was perhaps afraid that he might give me wrong ideas. I don't know I may be wrong. But what does it really matter?
I reckon I will never find out what happened between us when the lights went down. I searched my darnest memory but still I do not know or recaall. Maybe M would know and in this regard, he got a glimpse of my weakness and it's for him to keep. Strange, how in this sense, he knows something about me that I do not know.
At Pato's apartment last night, I finally had the courage to my usual toast in M's presence. And this toast will and should forever be my motto to life. And it all started in Paris where I shared it with my new found friends. So now I shall end here for the night to my 4 cheers of toast and hopefully, I can find happiness in them. "Cheers/salud/salut ("chin chin") to good life, good health, friendship forever and good sex!" :) "
