Restructure- on your own terms

THE PHONE CONVERSATION

Is it true that one would always shed much tears of pain for the one you love?

I spoke to M just before and why do I always end in tears?

I seem to be the one holding the bucket of tears for him all the time.

There are days where I just think that if ever I were to lose my composure before him (and disregard any of my self-consciousness ness to chase him further away from me, given my remaining at status quo with DL), I would probably break down and cry so hard and I know all I could ever say when I bare my soul would be “I love you, I love you, I love…” because that is the core of how I feel when ever I put on that mock smile to speak over the phone while we exist now on two different time zones. I would wish that for some reason, we had some form of telepathy and he would have caught on my signs and intensity of love for him.

I have suppressed the pain truly well over the course of the last five or six months that I thought I am well above it now. But our resumption on electronic correspondence lately regarding his desire to see me soon and his ever discreet inquiries into my travelling schedule into Asia have simply flushed my resolution down the toilet.

But we will miss each other again this time. He flies to Cheng Du tomorrow and onwards he would travel to Tibet and India over the course of the next few months. So again, I wait, for perhaps he might do a stopover in Sydney during March and April on his way back to Santiago. But as usual, everything would be tentative.

****

I must be somewhat special to M, I figured sometimes.

After all, M is a traveller, not a tourist. He does his research before he travels and he does it rough, backpacker style. He takes time to smell the roses, capture the local sights, understand the history and culture and is bold enough to try any local side street stall food. After all, he grows up with journalist parents and inherits that adventurous get up and go streak and takes long trips away to explore each regions thoroughly. He is never the yuppie style long weekend holiday within a five or six-star hotel type of person who bags souvenirs and goes trigger happy with the camera of himself in the foreground at places of interests.

So when he did make it into Singapore for the long weekend without doing much research upon short notice that I was coming home and he paid an expensive ticket (I asked him how much) in time to catch me, it then dawned upon me for real that he came for me.

I have long “condemned” M in my mind that he has a wandering eye prior to this last visit to Singapore. After all, my short-lived happiness with him in Paris ended there when I saw him with a new girl at the train station. Julie, her name was and she is a Danish lass.

Julie and I had our farewell gathering in Paris the same night. I left Paris the next day and M and I, naturally did not formally say goodbye. The last I caught sight of him then was a couple of nights before during my last week there. It was Thanksgiving Day. I was at “The Mazet” with W, my French ex-lover and I caught sight of him in the crowd and then, he was gone within split seconds…

Apparently, he came to Singapore to make amends because he never stopped thinking about our time in Paris. He was to be all mine that weekend, he promised emphatically while we renewed our relationship at Velvet Underground. He hugged me so tight like before and again, I wanted to believe that M had eyes only for me and was in love with me.

He always turns that magic on me. The magic, that a cynic like me could be led into believing- it emanates from the sincerity of his eyes, his sensuous kisses, those tight hugs and his keen, attentive ears.

And so he was that ultimate lover once more- I noticed during our time together the whole weekend, it was all about me. He did not care where I was taking him. He took pictures of me between close up shots of older style architecture and filmed my “rubbish” introduction of the Merlion and our time in the cold ice room at Indo Chine where we took shots of vodka. He would make me stand in the foreground to pose for him and like a disgruntled child (which I now regret), I would resist before obliging to his requests as the humidity raises the heat of my impatient temperament a notch higher. I frowned a lot (where his collection of photos would hold evidence) post his rejection of me in our private chambers (upon learning about my long term relationship with DL) but I now think that it was his way of preserving a memory of me since there is no real future between us given that I am quite as resolute to stick with my DL.

When we walked past Attica, there was a queue of scantily dressed and well-toned Sarong Party Girls waiting to get into the club. One attractive SPG eyed my gorgeous M suggestively and then me distastefully but M took no notice of anyone over the weekend except for myself. He always held my hand firmly and was always patient in attending to my fussy needs (I sulked a lot in the day given that I cried a lot at night over our heated debate of him deciding to do the right thing for us) and paid detailed attention right to adjusting the sliding strap of my handbag to my wrist to be slung back on my shoulder.

I almost fooled myself there. A suspension of my disbelief of the reality- I could solely be his and only his and that he belonged entirely mine.

****

Travelling alone or with a friend? I asked.

There was a delayed pause before he replied.

Yes, he will be travelling with “a Chinese friend” tomorrow. And the friend, I know will also happen to be the same “friend” who has also accompanied him on his recent travels into Malaysia, Myammar and Thailand. He sounded careful not to mention a “he” or “she”. But I know better.

So he has got himself a new girl in his life. They must travel well together.

You know what they say about travelling with your partner? It marks a good test on your compatibility because that is when all good and bad habits of each other surfaces. When being placed in a tight situation as such where a couple will cross each other’s personal zones, their abilities to adapt and compromise with each other is put to a real test. It is also a time where one could assess the suitability of a serious relationship and how realistic it could be taken to the next level.

When he mentioned a friend the last time, I had that nagging suspicion. Call it intuition or a girl’s sixth sense. We girls are never wrong about such things.

And he appears to be living with “the friend” (though he did not mention if it is this same travelling companion) temporarily in Hong Kong since he quit his work and gave up his lease

There is no competition to start off with. M and I were never meant to be. I always have a boyfriend when we first met and it is not my place to soak up in jealousy and envy. I simply don’t have that right. My position was compromised right from the start and I know the rules of the game and entered it at my own peril. So I cannot demand for exclusivity.

“So how’s everything going on your end?” He must have asked me at least twice during our phone conversation just now. It almost feels like we have nothing to say to each other but behind all those question marks we have about each other, those subjects could only be broached subtly.

I always reply him with answers regarding my career progress to deflect him away from very personal information.

But I know he meant to ask if I were still with DL. But like myself, he is careful when asking questions that really matter as we could both easily upset the balance there. After all, I am quite sure he has this girl now and I figured he was wondering how I would take the news.

(Oh, and just last night, I texted him that I always love him.)

I can do omission but I do not wish to tell lies.

Well, I could lie pretty much with a straight face and it is not too hard over the phone as I should know best since it is something I should be well accustomed to do by now within my profession. And I know M was doing likewise. Neither of us wants to be the first to show hand because those elements of hurt and pain would definitely ensue. So we remain poker-faced while we try to extract information to clarify our own understanding and to make sense of our next step to shield ourselves (and especially, myself) from the pain of this lose-lose situation.

So by the time we have put down the phone, I have braced myself mentally once more that I would forget M. There would be no next time or seeing him soon. And again, I would break my latest short-lived promise from a few days ago via email to take a long weekend trip soon-ish when he returns to Hong Kong in 2007.

Little did he know that I nearly hastened my promise and would have parted with AUD$2000 to impulsively book a trip to Hong Kong to see him just for this weekend for two nights. Fuck the surmounting debts, I tried convincing my commercially pragmatic self.

So maybe it was a blessing in disguise I didn’t. I guess it is the best way one could console oneself, perhaps?

As we uttered what would possibly be our final goodbyes, as usual the mock smile visible on my face still to ensure I sounded somewhat positive to his attentive ears, I let my tears flow on my end while the pain that I have once carefully locked away with gritted determination unleashes like a busted dam…

Labels: THE P-oignant Moments

# posted by DilettanteP @ 10:58 pm