Wednesday, January 24, 2007
De-toxing...
must be one of the hardest thing to do. I have done a 15-day physical de-tox a long time ago that led me to becoming very sick for three weeks just on the third day of the purge. It is akin to practising the path of righteousness and often, temptations and challenges gets thrown in as part of the package to ascertain if one could stand up to the test of will.
The level of discipline to succeed needs to stem from one's will to sever any bonds or desire for the matter. This requires a great amount of practice to attain that level of non-desire or connection.
****
When I was in New York, I met a gay guy who was my next door neighour at the backpackers'. Andrew and I became fast friends.
I stayed at a cubicle-like room amongst 2 rows of similar rooms with wooden partitioned walls, separated by a narrow corridor. The room was no more than 2 metres long and 0.5m wide. At night, I could sometimes hear Andrew bonking away with the other French fashion designer who designed ballet costumes.
You see, although I stayed at a backpackers', I did not behave like one. I learnt the concept a while ago when I was travelling that there is a difference between a tourist and a traveller. I was more a tourist, I suppose. I did not lead an ascetic existence while I was there. My itinerary consisted of doing "must see" places guided by my Lonely Planet bible and the distinctive factor amongst my new found friends in that place we temporarily called home was that I shopped a lot. I bought a variety of designer shoes ranging from the Kate Spades to the Ferragamos and the fast piling boxes has no place in my narrow room, combined with my large obstructive suitcase. When I finally have to pull my shopping bags and shoe boxes from under my wooden plank bed to put them in a big box ready for shipping it back to Ozland, I had to cull everything into the narrow corridor to allow space for packing.
I complained to Andrew that I had too much to carry plus I cannot pack (I am famous for that and seems to always have the good fortune of swindling someone into assisting the packing for me). It was such a headache, I said.
He gave me THE solution.
"Why don't you throw everything away?"
"Are you crazy? I have spent much time and money to acquire these things."
"A cluttered room is a cluttered mind."
So he told me a story that opened up a whole new world of possibilities that I never thought about.
While he was travelling in Germany a year before, something transformed within him.
He had just broke up with his German doctor boyfriend. When he left to return to Pittsburg, he decided to travel light and purge his system. So guess what did he do?
He went to a rubbish dump and chuck out everything he has got, including his mobile phone. He returned back to the States with just his small backpack and some basic necessities. He felt free.
His mindset just underwent a spiritual metamorphosis and till the time, I saw him, he still only had a small backpack in his room.
I was stunned. He explained that there was no point in attaching too much meaning to those material things. It has only as much value as one puts attachment to it.
He also mentioned that he had bumped into someone that he used to hang out together during his travels in Europe in the massive internet cafe in Time Square (that us fellow backpackers would frequent).
"So did you take down his number to stay in touch?" I asked excitedly. I connected that coincidence to fate.
"No. It's all too superficial. There was no point."
On the day I left, I felt a strange level of calmness. We bumped into each other and said our hellos and goodbyes at the corridor very casually like it was any other day. I did not do what I would ever normally do- to ask to stay in touch because funnily, he imparted a spiritual lesson of the pointlessness of forming attachments . His words of enlightenment continues to ring in my soul.
****
Which leads me to the point that for one to attain Andrew's realm of understanding, it takes great will.
On the weekend, my Buddhist philosophical bantering with V and the talk about my Ego had taken me to another realm of understanding. Andrew's words has finally sunk into me somewhat and perhaps enabled me to contain my suffering.
My suitcase of finery no longer look as appealing as when I packed it. I am halfway into my holidays but I have found myself, wearing repeats (P's greatest fear, being caught wearing the same things again and again as her close friends would attest to). I no longer hold much attachments to the outfits (some new and specially bought for this trip) and shoes which I have carefully assembled for the need to impress or stay beautiful. Instead, I go through my days now wearing the most convenient mode of outfit that I could pull out from my topmost level of clothing items.
I feel that shallowness and superficiality fast dissipating and undergoing a well paced detox programme.
However, I still need to learn the path of minimising that pain I felt for my emotional loss of not getting the desired romantic outcome that I have greatly anticipated from this trip for the past six months or so. There is much spiritual practice that I need to meditate on to dispel the "I" of my Ego and my desire to be desired.
I woke up this morning at 6.30am with a strange aching feeling in my heart, wishing I could make this hurt go away and wondering for how long could I be relieved of this suffering?
Again, I am aware of the ardousness of a physical detox, let alone an emotional and spiritual one.
must be one of the hardest thing to do. I have done a 15-day physical de-tox a long time ago that led me to becoming very sick for three weeks just on the third day of the purge. It is akin to practising the path of righteousness and often, temptations and challenges gets thrown in as part of the package to ascertain if one could stand up to the test of will.
The level of discipline to succeed needs to stem from one's will to sever any bonds or desire for the matter. This requires a great amount of practice to attain that level of non-desire or connection.
****
When I was in New York, I met a gay guy who was my next door neighour at the backpackers'. Andrew and I became fast friends.
I stayed at a cubicle-like room amongst 2 rows of similar rooms with wooden partitioned walls, separated by a narrow corridor. The room was no more than 2 metres long and 0.5m wide. At night, I could sometimes hear Andrew bonking away with the other French fashion designer who designed ballet costumes.
You see, although I stayed at a backpackers', I did not behave like one. I learnt the concept a while ago when I was travelling that there is a difference between a tourist and a traveller. I was more a tourist, I suppose. I did not lead an ascetic existence while I was there. My itinerary consisted of doing "must see" places guided by my Lonely Planet bible and the distinctive factor amongst my new found friends in that place we temporarily called home was that I shopped a lot. I bought a variety of designer shoes ranging from the Kate Spades to the Ferragamos and the fast piling boxes has no place in my narrow room, combined with my large obstructive suitcase. When I finally have to pull my shopping bags and shoe boxes from under my wooden plank bed to put them in a big box ready for shipping it back to Ozland, I had to cull everything into the narrow corridor to allow space for packing.
I complained to Andrew that I had too much to carry plus I cannot pack (I am famous for that and seems to always have the good fortune of swindling someone into assisting the packing for me). It was such a headache, I said.
He gave me THE solution.
"Why don't you throw everything away?"
"Are you crazy? I have spent much time and money to acquire these things."
"A cluttered room is a cluttered mind."
So he told me a story that opened up a whole new world of possibilities that I never thought about.
While he was travelling in Germany a year before, something transformed within him.
He had just broke up with his German doctor boyfriend. When he left to return to Pittsburg, he decided to travel light and purge his system. So guess what did he do?
He went to a rubbish dump and chuck out everything he has got, including his mobile phone. He returned back to the States with just his small backpack and some basic necessities. He felt free.
His mindset just underwent a spiritual metamorphosis and till the time, I saw him, he still only had a small backpack in his room.
I was stunned. He explained that there was no point in attaching too much meaning to those material things. It has only as much value as one puts attachment to it.
He also mentioned that he had bumped into someone that he used to hang out together during his travels in Europe in the massive internet cafe in Time Square (that us fellow backpackers would frequent).
"So did you take down his number to stay in touch?" I asked excitedly. I connected that coincidence to fate.
"No. It's all too superficial. There was no point."
On the day I left, I felt a strange level of calmness. We bumped into each other and said our hellos and goodbyes at the corridor very casually like it was any other day. I did not do what I would ever normally do- to ask to stay in touch because funnily, he imparted a spiritual lesson of the pointlessness of forming attachments . His words of enlightenment continues to ring in my soul.
****
Which leads me to the point that for one to attain Andrew's realm of understanding, it takes great will.
On the weekend, my Buddhist philosophical bantering with V and the talk about my Ego had taken me to another realm of understanding. Andrew's words has finally sunk into me somewhat and perhaps enabled me to contain my suffering.
My suitcase of finery no longer look as appealing as when I packed it. I am halfway into my holidays but I have found myself, wearing repeats (P's greatest fear, being caught wearing the same things again and again as her close friends would attest to). I no longer hold much attachments to the outfits (some new and specially bought for this trip) and shoes which I have carefully assembled for the need to impress or stay beautiful. Instead, I go through my days now wearing the most convenient mode of outfit that I could pull out from my topmost level of clothing items.
I feel that shallowness and superficiality fast dissipating and undergoing a well paced detox programme.
However, I still need to learn the path of minimising that pain I felt for my emotional loss of not getting the desired romantic outcome that I have greatly anticipated from this trip for the past six months or so. There is much spiritual practice that I need to meditate on to dispel the "I" of my Ego and my desire to be desired.
I woke up this morning at 6.30am with a strange aching feeling in my heart, wishing I could make this hurt go away and wondering for how long could I be relieved of this suffering?
Again, I am aware of the ardousness of a physical detox, let alone an emotional and spiritual one.
Comments:
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Oh dear. Sounds like you're going through a very challenging, but crucial phase of your life.
Hope all works out well, doll!
Hope all works out well, doll!
# posted by 
: 1:55 pm
: 1:55 pm 
After our 5 hour conference last night to deconstruct this individual, I can safely say that your next post will be on polar opposite to this one, hey? *wink*
And right now, like you, I AM feeling just a tad sorry for the sod. Surprise, surprise, looks like HE and not you failed miserably to live up to Great Expectations.
And right now, like you, I AM feeling just a tad sorry for the sod. Surprise, surprise, looks like HE and not you failed miserably to live up to Great Expectations.
Danya- thanks, I am alright, enjoying my time in Manila with gracious company.:)
Sic6sense- Yes, I like the idea too but my answer is can the other party handle it? In his case, it would have been ask no questions and he'll be told no truth. So as long as he stop being too curious, we'll have a great time together, he can be that lucky man but he just had to open the Pandora's box and who ends up with indigestion? No one but himself. Because he couldn't handle it in the first place;)Guess it might well be a merciful relief.
Viv- well, this episode reminds me of "Laughable Loves" and yes, I do have some ideas to write about "Great Expectations" and class consciousness, esp. now that I am in Manila, I have further observations to add for juxtaposition. :)
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Sic6sense- Yes, I like the idea too but my answer is can the other party handle it? In his case, it would have been ask no questions and he'll be told no truth. So as long as he stop being too curious, we'll have a great time together, he can be that lucky man but he just had to open the Pandora's box and who ends up with indigestion? No one but himself. Because he couldn't handle it in the first place;)Guess it might well be a merciful relief.
Viv- well, this episode reminds me of "Laughable Loves" and yes, I do have some ideas to write about "Great Expectations" and class consciousness, esp. now that I am in Manila, I have further observations to add for juxtaposition. :)
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