Sunday, August 12, 2007
Deadline
I never seemed to overcome my ego.
I am beginning to be really, really sick and tired of myself.
For the past few days, I have felt the same feeling of discomfort, pain and congestion in my heart that I have experienced at the start of the year when things went under the table between the Big Boy and myself.
I am getting panicky again.
I cannot handle it. I cannot handle my life this way. I almost feel that I want out.
****
The other day, someone asked if I was misbehaving.
I said no- if he was asking if I got penetrated by Nano.
Yes, Nano is here. He stayed at my place for a night. It was supposed to be two but he cut it short at the last minute. Trouble brewing at home with his brother who lives here- he had to leave to attend to it immediately. That was the reason why he was sent here to make sure things didn’t screw up. So the dinner I booked for two on Thursday night got cancelled.
I happened to have called in sick on Thursday since I must have had one too a many to drink on Wednesday night when we were out with my friends for dinner and suffering from an irritable bowel. So we had the day to spend together. He spent most of the morning lazing in bed, alternating between cuddling me, kissing me and pleasuring me and drifting in and out of sleep. Between intervals, I went downstairs to my living room to be on the computer and chatted with my best friend who called and interrupted our moments of intimacy.
When we got home on Wednesday night, we spent many a moment on the couch drinking wine and slimming tea and laughing, talking about books, his life and mine and we must’ve have kissed there and then. He loved his Lao Fu Zi comic and I whipped out a copy that Big Tim bought me when I was in Hong Kong earlier this year. I thought it was funny that a white boy like him like his Chinese comics. He grew up attending a wealthy Chinese school, learning Chinese for a good thirteen years, reading traditional Chinese characters. Later, I noticed that it was 2.30a.m and decided it was time to head for the bed since I don’t do overly late nights too well on a school day and would be worried about work.
We talked and kissed in bed. For some reason, I recalled pinning him down and he was too weak to free himself from my tight embrace. He started laughing and told me about what his nan once said when she visited him. She looked at him and shook her head and then told him that he has grown too fat to get laid by girls. Even his father who is religious on his treadmill said so.
When we entered my bedroom laughing, he said,“Hey P, I know you are all about power right?” He was amused.
“Yeah,” He must have caught that on during the dinner conversation. My friends must have been on the topic of ambitions and one of them mentioned that I would probably build up my mini empire one day.
“Do you like me Nano?”
“Yes…”
“Why?”
“Because you are so funny and smart. And you remind me of myself.”
“Like how?”
“You are into money, money, money…”
“Hey P, if we ever end up together, you can go work and I’ll stay at home to look after the kids and walk the dog everyday. What say you?” He teased me.
“Crazy! No!”
“By the way, P… when I leave on Friday when you go to work, let’s wave at each other at the platform in the opposite directions…”
“Like why?”
“Because that’s how they always do it in the movies. It’s cool.”
“Silly boy.”
“Yes, I am a silly boy and I happen to like a smart girl like you.”
I pined him down at some stage and he exclaimed that I was too strong and he was too fat as he got strait-jacketed by my tight embrace. I growled at him and sunk my teeth into his chest.
He was thrilled.
****
Enough about Nano for the moment. My thoughts are jumbled. I cannot think straight.
The other week,Coolios who came to visit shared his experience with me about his ex-girlfriend.
He said we have similar symptoms. He thinks I am clinically depressed. He thinks DL and I need to see a relationship counsellor or I should go on medication.
He thinks we have an unhealthy relationship. He had a talk with DL, Coolios hinted of our undercurrent and DL’s private thoughts (which Coolios subtly alluded that he didn’t agree; we should really go for counsel, he urged).
We are good and bad for each other, Coolios conceded. Coolios is our long time friend. He knew about the Pandora’s box that thwarted our relationship.
“Imperfect perfect relationship, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I guess that’s the best to describe your relationship. You guys bring the best and worst out of each other.”
I don’t know anymore.
****
Ironically, Nano thought I was a free spirit.
We had some heartfelt conversation. But leave it for another day.
Anyway, he’ll never bend backwards for me.
I am a fine girl, he said. Smart, fun to be with, well-mannered and polite. Strange combination, I thought. He said I am very special to him.
When it was about time for him to go, I was sitting on top of him and we spent more time kissing. He looked at me intently and I looked at him. A few times, he seemed like he was going to open his mouth to say something to me, except at the last minute, he said nothing. Instead, he said the above words.
Then he asked if I have a digital camera. I said yes and then remember the memory was full and the camera mainly belongs to DL so I said no. He said forget it then. He was hoping to take a picture of the both of us for memory's sake.
Finally, he got out of bed and stood up first. I hugged him at his legs as I was still sitting on the bed. He pulled me to stand up and we hugged again.
Nano looked away, like something was pricking his eye. He began rubbing at it. I thought I recognised that look. He was trying to hold back what might possibly be tears.
So I walked him to the station, the train came, we kissed and he was gone.
He texted later to say he was sorry that our plans got skewed.
****
We have exchanged some smses since. At one stage, he wanted to smuggle me into his nan’s foreboding house where the ever loyal and vigilant housekeeper who have been at the family’s service for the past forty years kept watch. He texted me at Saturday morning at 2.30a.m saying that he wished I was here with him but he must have not found a way (or maybe he wasn’t committed in his endeavour enough) and we both fell asleep separately.
I think I missed him more than he misses me despite anything and everything.
I like to think so.
I haven’t heard from him. Yesterday, I called him and he didn’t seem too keen to talk.
It’s Sunday night today. He’ll be here for another six days. We might not meet. His baby brother comes first. He told me that we’re lucky that this last minute trip came up but it’s mainly to sort out his baby brother so it was good enough that we even got to spend time. He promised to be better company when I next visit Manila under a less stressful situation for him.
He is typical first kid, existing with the responsibility of old wealth. He is entrusted to undertake great things in life and he should never let his parents have any reason to worry for him and his competence. So he stays practical for the most part and is good at prioritisation. Affairs of the heart could possibly wait or take second place.
****
Tomorrow is a new week. I have set myself a deadline.
I will get over him by 12 mid-night tonight. I will not harbour any expectations for us to meet again in the coming days.
I am getting sick of my frail heart.
I should know better. If I couldn’t handle it, don’t fucking get started.
The next day, the Old Boy had to add salt to the wound that he thinks all the men in my life likes making use of me.
A good tight slap for me. He then apologised for being cutting.
I said, no that was what I needed. Besides, I have allowed it, I told him. No point blaming anyone and please no more sexual innuendos today, I continued. I just couldn't handle it.
When would I ever stop my errant ways?
I need to hang up my sails lest my depression overcomes me one day.
I fear the day where I stop loving and caring for myself, and where I will end up being like that man in my dream, being ever so resolute to end my life by adhering to the laws of gravity.
I never seemed to overcome my ego.
I am beginning to be really, really sick and tired of myself.
For the past few days, I have felt the same feeling of discomfort, pain and congestion in my heart that I have experienced at the start of the year when things went under the table between the Big Boy and myself.
I am getting panicky again.
I cannot handle it. I cannot handle my life this way. I almost feel that I want out.
****
The other day, someone asked if I was misbehaving.
I said no- if he was asking if I got penetrated by Nano.
Yes, Nano is here. He stayed at my place for a night. It was supposed to be two but he cut it short at the last minute. Trouble brewing at home with his brother who lives here- he had to leave to attend to it immediately. That was the reason why he was sent here to make sure things didn’t screw up. So the dinner I booked for two on Thursday night got cancelled.
I happened to have called in sick on Thursday since I must have had one too a many to drink on Wednesday night when we were out with my friends for dinner and suffering from an irritable bowel. So we had the day to spend together. He spent most of the morning lazing in bed, alternating between cuddling me, kissing me and pleasuring me and drifting in and out of sleep. Between intervals, I went downstairs to my living room to be on the computer and chatted with my best friend who called and interrupted our moments of intimacy.
When we got home on Wednesday night, we spent many a moment on the couch drinking wine and slimming tea and laughing, talking about books, his life and mine and we must’ve have kissed there and then. He loved his Lao Fu Zi comic and I whipped out a copy that Big Tim bought me when I was in Hong Kong earlier this year. I thought it was funny that a white boy like him like his Chinese comics. He grew up attending a wealthy Chinese school, learning Chinese for a good thirteen years, reading traditional Chinese characters. Later, I noticed that it was 2.30a.m and decided it was time to head for the bed since I don’t do overly late nights too well on a school day and would be worried about work.
We talked and kissed in bed. For some reason, I recalled pinning him down and he was too weak to free himself from my tight embrace. He started laughing and told me about what his nan once said when she visited him. She looked at him and shook her head and then told him that he has grown too fat to get laid by girls. Even his father who is religious on his treadmill said so.
When we entered my bedroom laughing, he said,“Hey P, I know you are all about power right?” He was amused.
“Yeah,” He must have caught that on during the dinner conversation. My friends must have been on the topic of ambitions and one of them mentioned that I would probably build up my mini empire one day.
“Do you like me Nano?”
“Yes…”
“Why?”
“Because you are so funny and smart. And you remind me of myself.”
“Like how?”
“You are into money, money, money…”
“Hey P, if we ever end up together, you can go work and I’ll stay at home to look after the kids and walk the dog everyday. What say you?” He teased me.
“Crazy! No!”
“By the way, P… when I leave on Friday when you go to work, let’s wave at each other at the platform in the opposite directions…”
“Like why?”
“Because that’s how they always do it in the movies. It’s cool.”
“Silly boy.”
“Yes, I am a silly boy and I happen to like a smart girl like you.”
I pined him down at some stage and he exclaimed that I was too strong and he was too fat as he got strait-jacketed by my tight embrace. I growled at him and sunk my teeth into his chest.
He was thrilled.
****
Enough about Nano for the moment. My thoughts are jumbled. I cannot think straight.
The other week,Coolios who came to visit shared his experience with me about his ex-girlfriend.
He said we have similar symptoms. He thinks I am clinically depressed. He thinks DL and I need to see a relationship counsellor or I should go on medication.
He thinks we have an unhealthy relationship. He had a talk with DL, Coolios hinted of our undercurrent and DL’s private thoughts (which Coolios subtly alluded that he didn’t agree; we should really go for counsel, he urged).
We are good and bad for each other, Coolios conceded. Coolios is our long time friend. He knew about the Pandora’s box that thwarted our relationship.
“Imperfect perfect relationship, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I guess that’s the best to describe your relationship. You guys bring the best and worst out of each other.”
I don’t know anymore.
****
Ironically, Nano thought I was a free spirit.
We had some heartfelt conversation. But leave it for another day.
Anyway, he’ll never bend backwards for me.
I am a fine girl, he said. Smart, fun to be with, well-mannered and polite. Strange combination, I thought. He said I am very special to him.
When it was about time for him to go, I was sitting on top of him and we spent more time kissing. He looked at me intently and I looked at him. A few times, he seemed like he was going to open his mouth to say something to me, except at the last minute, he said nothing. Instead, he said the above words.
Then he asked if I have a digital camera. I said yes and then remember the memory was full and the camera mainly belongs to DL so I said no. He said forget it then. He was hoping to take a picture of the both of us for memory's sake.
Finally, he got out of bed and stood up first. I hugged him at his legs as I was still sitting on the bed. He pulled me to stand up and we hugged again.
Nano looked away, like something was pricking his eye. He began rubbing at it. I thought I recognised that look. He was trying to hold back what might possibly be tears.
So I walked him to the station, the train came, we kissed and he was gone.
He texted later to say he was sorry that our plans got skewed.
****
We have exchanged some smses since. At one stage, he wanted to smuggle me into his nan’s foreboding house where the ever loyal and vigilant housekeeper who have been at the family’s service for the past forty years kept watch. He texted me at Saturday morning at 2.30a.m saying that he wished I was here with him but he must have not found a way (or maybe he wasn’t committed in his endeavour enough) and we both fell asleep separately.
I think I missed him more than he misses me despite anything and everything.
I like to think so.
I haven’t heard from him. Yesterday, I called him and he didn’t seem too keen to talk.
It’s Sunday night today. He’ll be here for another six days. We might not meet. His baby brother comes first. He told me that we’re lucky that this last minute trip came up but it’s mainly to sort out his baby brother so it was good enough that we even got to spend time. He promised to be better company when I next visit Manila under a less stressful situation for him.
He is typical first kid, existing with the responsibility of old wealth. He is entrusted to undertake great things in life and he should never let his parents have any reason to worry for him and his competence. So he stays practical for the most part and is good at prioritisation. Affairs of the heart could possibly wait or take second place.
****
Tomorrow is a new week. I have set myself a deadline.
I will get over him by 12 mid-night tonight. I will not harbour any expectations for us to meet again in the coming days.
I am getting sick of my frail heart.
I should know better. If I couldn’t handle it, don’t fucking get started.
The next day, the Old Boy had to add salt to the wound that he thinks all the men in my life likes making use of me.
A good tight slap for me. He then apologised for being cutting.
I said, no that was what I needed. Besides, I have allowed it, I told him. No point blaming anyone and please no more sexual innuendos today, I continued. I just couldn't handle it.
When would I ever stop my errant ways?
I need to hang up my sails lest my depression overcomes me one day.
I fear the day where I stop loving and caring for myself, and where I will end up being like that man in my dream, being ever so resolute to end my life by adhering to the laws of gravity.
