Restructure- on your own terms

Missing the Boat

How often does one get a second chance when one misses the boat?

I say almost never.

How often would one get it the third time if one have missed the cue twice before?

I say never again. After all, things tend to come in threes- good or bad.

****

The past two weeks came and went.

I met Nano once. Yes, only once.

He didn’t even text me to say goodbye. He just left and I didn’t ask what time his plane departed either.

Then I was also suffering from my frail nerves.

****

Last week, my frail nerves nearly took me to my emotional limit. I thought I was going to cut DL off for good.

Nano was still in the same city as I.

He knew I didn’t go to work last Wednesday. But he didn’t bother to ask why.

Nano could have played the Knight in Shining Armour.

Any chance that we might catch up before you leave?

It was last Thursday evening and he was due to leave on Saturday. It was my seven-year anniversary with DL. Neither DL nor I called or texted each other. Our cold war ensued.

Not sure…

Never mind then. I meant to tell you something important.

No reply.

Just as well, another de-tox.

****

Last night, I was in good enough spirits. DL and I had a hearty Korean dinner and we drank enough soju to keep me sufficiently tipsy and light-hearted. We laughed a lot, mainly by overhearing the familiarity of Singaporean accents from the next table from us. One of the guys talking in typical “Ah Beng” slang and using colloquial words of expression unique to our little island. I almost forgot some of these terms and DL reminded me how they could be used and we had hell of a great time. I almost felt at home again.

Much later, whilst we got home, I received a text.

What was it that you want to tell me?

Now don’t worry about it.

Sorry mate, too late. Third time.

*****
First Miss

First time in Manila on a Friday evening, he missed my cue about hanging out at the Embassy on Saturday night. He wanted to go to the beach with his friends instead. When he came back on a Sunday and decided to hang out and have dinner, Ted and I had it going the night before already. Hence, my time with Nano was curtailed as my entourage consisting of Ted and his sidekicks came to extract me from my dinner.

That first night, I was attracted to his aura. It was that air of aloofness about him that caught my attention. Perhaps since he was the only full blooded white boy in the party that made him all the more prominent. I deliberately got rid of the gigantic floral arrangement that separated our faces across the table so that I could further engage him in our interaction. Later, I noticed that he was silently watching me through the smoky cloud of his lighted cigarette and that was when I knew I got him attracted! I then created opportunities for him to fetch me a drink and asked charmingly if he could be kind enough to be a gentleman. Instead, he told me, he barely knew me. The friend in his group who was waiting for every opportunity to jump in did so and on top of that, Nano got this friend to also fetch him another bottle while the friend was at his service for me! I thought he was either too “wet” or too chauvinistic for my liking…

“I was attracted to you that night we met.”

“Didn’t I try giving you a chance to get to know me?

Remember I got you to get me a drink and you said you barely knew me. It wasn’t as if you needed to buy me one since it was for free and anyway, it wasn’t my style to ask someone to buy me a drink in the first place…”

“I am sorry P. I was being stupid…”

“Then I also kept asking you if you wanted to join me at Embassy the following night…”

“But you must know that I don’t like to hang out at those type of places. I would have invited you to my house for drinks instead if I didn’t go to the beach. I am so stupid. Anyway now I feel I shouldn’t have go to Tagaytay the next day…”




*****
Second Miss

When I was in a lethal combo crisis, having been assaulted emotionally on both the professional and personal fronts, someone happened to be in a great mood.

He decided he would like to get on with playing with his Xbox II. He hoped that I would feel better later.

Again, I think I tried giving a second chance.

Much later after a period of no communication post the above incident, there was an exchange of texts during one of my bold moments from tipsiness.

I nearly left him and I could have made you that lucky man as earlier promised.

I have been busy lately.


I have a good mind to say- The world don’t just wait for you, you know.

I often hear that line run through my head, especially when my thoughts used to turn to M frequently.

*****

I have experienced many a parting shot of tenderness, affection, angst with one too a many guys. Whatever emotions that the guy goes through must be for that moment. Yes, I would like to think so because they never telly up with one’s attitude or behaviour post the affair.

He is not that into me.

I will always repeat that to myself after each experience and I would brace myself with each chant of that phrase in my head with my usual smile.

B has warned me too many times to never crystalise any of those parting memories in my mind. She is the Queen of Selective Memory. She holds little regard for most people and things and remembers dimly or very little of ex-flings or grey arrangements because she has taught me that the most important thing is the Self. She genuinely mastered the art of forgetfulness and sometimes my super memory of her history fazed her. But her way to cope is in conflict with my Buddhist philosophy towards life, which is about practicing to free oneself from one’s Ego.

At least, I am not dwelling so much in memory. Live and let live. That must at least be a positive step.

*****

He sure knows how to wipe his mouth after he eats.

Old Boy made the above comment yesterday.

*****

Times like this I wonder, did he really miss my boat?

Or is he playing dumb and turns out to be the sly guy who got away?