Monday, August 13, 2007
SOS
I swear today I could have slashed my own wrists.
My heart has been congested since last night and is racing a thousand miles an hour.
I found myself taking many deep breaths at work today.
Today, the worst that could happen just happened.
First off, the passive bully colleague struck me again. She went round exclaiming I was pregnant. Just because I have been feeling nauseous and sick in the stomach of late.
Not funny. In fact, I was on the verge of tears. I thought she was highly unprofessional and she is my superior.
She fucking didn’t get my cue. Then she subtly dropped sarcasm about my competence in using the database.
Then at the meeting, the big boss looked at me and indicating that I haven’t been too on the ball with a job. That is to say, I am incompetent. I spent the rest of the day trying to fix things up and then I stared at more than 7000 names and tried to sieve out the ones that might be of interest to the boss.
Nano was cold on the phone too. Last night, after my blog entry, he went online and complained about his brother and then took off.
Nano is the least of my concerns at the moment.
At lunch, I rang DL to check on his day and his new interview. More discussion there about whether he should be accepting his only job offer that somehow led to an argument as I told him that he should better prioritise his life. He got mad that I must always organise everything for him and hung up on me. That was a first from him.
I felt I was getting short of breath as my heart started closing in on me. I was on the verge of tears and tore my headset off my ear, took a deep breath and headed for the ladies. I must have sat on the toilet seat for a good five minutes taking deep breaths, my eyes brimmed with tears and I stared at the floor.
The entire day, the team avoided communication with me like a plague and I kept to myself and my work. No one ever gives me any loving but when it’s each of them feeling lousy, everyone starts to shower one another with tender, loving and care. I have always been somewhat left out and somehow I know they seemed to take care to avoid me.
I think it might well be over with DL and me. I don’t know. I came home and broke down so hard in front of the older sibling.
She advised that I should really be seeing a counsellor. I have been a wreck for too long.
I swear today I feel I do need help. I am tired of my secret life, my crazy roller coaster emotional state of mind.
Today, my soul feels so claustrophobic that it just wants to get out of this earthly body.
SOS.
The image of slashed wrists kept flashing in my mind.
I almost feel my soul has transcended from my earthly body and is giving me a good shake me up to hold me together lest I really do something so silly.
No, I am still rationalising so maybe I might be safe for awhile…
But I fear the day where I reach my breaking point and my frail nerves will snap…
Someone, please take me to an asylum where I could get away from me…
I swear today I could have slashed my own wrists.
My heart has been congested since last night and is racing a thousand miles an hour.
I found myself taking many deep breaths at work today.
Today, the worst that could happen just happened.
First off, the passive bully colleague struck me again. She went round exclaiming I was pregnant. Just because I have been feeling nauseous and sick in the stomach of late.
Not funny. In fact, I was on the verge of tears. I thought she was highly unprofessional and she is my superior.
She fucking didn’t get my cue. Then she subtly dropped sarcasm about my competence in using the database.
Then at the meeting, the big boss looked at me and indicating that I haven’t been too on the ball with a job. That is to say, I am incompetent. I spent the rest of the day trying to fix things up and then I stared at more than 7000 names and tried to sieve out the ones that might be of interest to the boss.
Nano was cold on the phone too. Last night, after my blog entry, he went online and complained about his brother and then took off.
Nano is the least of my concerns at the moment.
At lunch, I rang DL to check on his day and his new interview. More discussion there about whether he should be accepting his only job offer that somehow led to an argument as I told him that he should better prioritise his life. He got mad that I must always organise everything for him and hung up on me. That was a first from him.
I felt I was getting short of breath as my heart started closing in on me. I was on the verge of tears and tore my headset off my ear, took a deep breath and headed for the ladies. I must have sat on the toilet seat for a good five minutes taking deep breaths, my eyes brimmed with tears and I stared at the floor.
The entire day, the team avoided communication with me like a plague and I kept to myself and my work. No one ever gives me any loving but when it’s each of them feeling lousy, everyone starts to shower one another with tender, loving and care. I have always been somewhat left out and somehow I know they seemed to take care to avoid me.
I think it might well be over with DL and me. I don’t know. I came home and broke down so hard in front of the older sibling.
She advised that I should really be seeing a counsellor. I have been a wreck for too long.
I swear today I feel I do need help. I am tired of my secret life, my crazy roller coaster emotional state of mind.
Today, my soul feels so claustrophobic that it just wants to get out of this earthly body.
SOS.
The image of slashed wrists kept flashing in my mind.
I almost feel my soul has transcended from my earthly body and is giving me a good shake me up to hold me together lest I really do something so silly.
No, I am still rationalising so maybe I might be safe for awhile…
But I fear the day where I reach my breaking point and my frail nerves will snap…
Someone, please take me to an asylum where I could get away from me…
