Thursday, August 23, 2007
Walking on Tight Rope
Now I am getting paranoid.
My heart was doing fine for the past three days. It was just beginning to calm down.
But today it has resumed its irregular beating and again my chest get tightened every so often at the thought of some person and imaginary going ons. I swear if I take my blood pressure now, it must read awfully high.
I was telling the Old Boy today that I really think I need professional help.
Then he cautioned me that he knew of some psychologists who might take advantage of my vulnerable stage, especially if I am “so sexy” and if I bare my life story and situation to the psychologist.
So you mean there is no one that I can trust and seek independent opinion from?
Yup.
But they are professionals! So who can I go to?
No one but your older sibling.
Hence, I am getting hesitant although I am aware that I might experience yet another break down like last week and I am going to be in my frail state for a long time until I finally seek some form of solace and do a major overhaul to my emotional state. I can really sense that my own dormant volcano is steadily being stoked to awake ness and is all ready to erupt uncontrollably
The past two weeks, the character of Esther in Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar kept replaying itself in my mind. I truly understand how depression can thwart a person’s entire being and disposition and drive a person to commit self-destructive acts.
After all, you can never reason with a lunatic as with a drunk. A depressive maniac is trapped in his or her own dukka and there is no extracting the person out of his or her own misery. Only the Self can seek to heal itself. The first step to healing, I suppose is to be aware.
I have awareness but I lack clarity and I suspect my Ego is the cause of my depression. I desperately need to get to the next step to help myself heal. I don’t think I have it in me to do it alone.
Professional help, I keep telling myself is the way to go.
But Old Boy has played the Devil’s Advocate and now I am getting paranoid. I don’t need this now and it has led me to be truly hesitant to proceed with counseling after his words.
I am shaking and my skin is breaking out in goose bumps at the thought of my visit to the psychologist and the consequences of being in the care of an unprofessional and unethical individual.
Now I am wondering if there might be any hope and healing remedy for me?
Now I am getting paranoid.
My heart was doing fine for the past three days. It was just beginning to calm down.
But today it has resumed its irregular beating and again my chest get tightened every so often at the thought of some person and imaginary going ons. I swear if I take my blood pressure now, it must read awfully high.
I was telling the Old Boy today that I really think I need professional help.
Then he cautioned me that he knew of some psychologists who might take advantage of my vulnerable stage, especially if I am “so sexy” and if I bare my life story and situation to the psychologist.
So you mean there is no one that I can trust and seek independent opinion from?
Yup.
But they are professionals! So who can I go to?
No one but your older sibling.
Hence, I am getting hesitant although I am aware that I might experience yet another break down like last week and I am going to be in my frail state for a long time until I finally seek some form of solace and do a major overhaul to my emotional state. I can really sense that my own dormant volcano is steadily being stoked to awake ness and is all ready to erupt uncontrollably
The past two weeks, the character of Esther in Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar kept replaying itself in my mind. I truly understand how depression can thwart a person’s entire being and disposition and drive a person to commit self-destructive acts.
After all, you can never reason with a lunatic as with a drunk. A depressive maniac is trapped in his or her own dukka and there is no extracting the person out of his or her own misery. Only the Self can seek to heal itself. The first step to healing, I suppose is to be aware.
I have awareness but I lack clarity and I suspect my Ego is the cause of my depression. I desperately need to get to the next step to help myself heal. I don’t think I have it in me to do it alone.
Professional help, I keep telling myself is the way to go.
But Old Boy has played the Devil’s Advocate and now I am getting paranoid. I don’t need this now and it has led me to be truly hesitant to proceed with counseling after his words.
I am shaking and my skin is breaking out in goose bumps at the thought of my visit to the psychologist and the consequences of being in the care of an unprofessional and unethical individual.
Now I am wondering if there might be any hope and healing remedy for me?
