Thursday, February 07, 2008
Going Home
It slipped my mind earlier in the week that yesterday was the Chinese New Year Eve. It was business as usual Down Under. I haven’t stopped working since Sunday and have been doing eleven to twelve hours at my desk since. Bloody thankless but guess it is what it is in the rat race as I do time and try to work my way up the corporate food chain.
On Tuesday night, I then recalled having been invited by a bunch of old university friends for a Chinese reunion dinner last night. All thanks to Facebook. I nearly couldn’t make it due to work but alas, I made it albeit an hour and a half late.
“Since when did you move to Sydney, P?”
“June 2005.”
“Oh, for that long already?”
“Yes, but after I graduated I went to Paris to study fashion and worked there for a while…”
“No wonder, you have dropped off the radar…”
“Yes…”
I didn’t add that since I left campus and moved out to live with DL, life hadn’t been easy. So I did dropped off from that group way before I finished university. The year is 2002. 2003 was the dawn of the dark years to come…
Strangely, some of them are already married. One couple got married 5 years ago. I always remembered the girl as someone else’s girlfriend-my mind still stuck in 1999-2002. As for the husband, he was always Mr. Nice Guy Virgin Boy(NGVB) whom I used to hang around with my other best girlfriend, Swimmey during the time I was single and NGVB also hung out with DL in another clique before DL and I got hooked up. Onlookers thought it was a case of rebound on the girl’s end when they got married. By the time this couple started dating, DL and I must be together for a good 2 to 3 years.
At the restaurant, we were a group of fifteen. I am hardly a groupie. But I do what I needed to do. I switched seats and sat next to Kitty whom I used to hang out with back in the old days. She first started off as DL’s good friend.
I recalled those crazy days when I dated DL. I hung out with this group who has no observation of time and urgency for academic deadlines. They could be easily rounded up in the middle of a night to have supper and beer at the local pokies club where they also played pool and smoked heaps. My organised life was completely disrupted and I saw my grades sliding. I only used to party from Thursday nights to Saturday nights; the rest of the nights were spent catch up on studies, gossiping with Swimmey or sleep. I was mad at DL and his decadent friends. Coolios and I were the two “smartie pants” in the group. But Coolios was cool and had a laid back attitude, someone who loved his fags and alcohol- not at all a stereotypical A-list student. I was deemed overly domineering with DL, outspoken and self-righteous and was perhaps tolerated for being DL’s gal initially for the most part.
Strangely, Kitty is now the one with the MBA (despite her lousy grades and repeat subjects) and is currently doing more studies. I recall the time where she was so gone from taking Ecstasy, having been ditched by the Pilot and previously attempted to slash her wrist, she turned up at our house at 2am. She couldn’t stop talking and DL kept her company all night. I was pissed my usual way, just wanted to get on with my life as I have planned with the prospect of upcoming exams at the back of my mind and causing my anxiety levels to go up few folds (from having to manage the household financially and Fluffball, DL and myself to be on track for revisions)…
“So have you been to Sad Town since?”
“You know DL and I have broken off right?”
“Yeah. I was back there during Christmas and went to visit him at both your place. He cooked me dinner.”
“Oh, that was nice. Didn’t know you guys spent Christmas together!”
I was heartened that at least DL had friends to celebrate with during the festive season.
“So are you for real? Have you thought about it carefully?”
I nodded my head.
“Guess the problem has always been there, don’t you think?”
She nodded her head.
“So have you got a boyfriend now?”
“No! We’ve only recently broken up…”
“Well, still? It’s not that recent you know…”
What do I say? It’s still a sore point. I haven’t even the courage to write about that day. Too much for what my heart and emotions can handle at this point, really…
****
The last time I was home, it was the first time I had so many people asking me the question, “When are you coming home?”
It sounded like a foreign question because I never thought I was ever coming home. I remembered the day I left. It was B’s 20th birthday. She cried her eyes out. I still feel that moment where I walked into the airport check-in, me suppressing whatever fear or nostalgia I was capable of. I took a deep breath, turned and waved at my entourage of family and friends, gritted my teeth and left. I remember telling myself I will never come back to live here ever again, I will seek that brave new world out there and do good…
Funny when you hit a certain age, you suddenly realise how far you have walked the mile alone and your growing weariness is fast slowing you down to pause and think. It just registered that you have since left much behind. You haven’t realised how brave you have been, simply because you didn’t know any better before.
You now become aware of your parents’ mortality, the dwindling number of single friends you could round out for a night of fun, the number of Chinese New Years you have missed…
Now I must admit I am feeling a tad homesick.
Maybe like how some of my friends said, it’s time for me to come home.
What can I do if I return?
Next month, I will fly home for 2 weekends- thanks to work.
So yes, I will be coming home. But not for too long.
It slipped my mind earlier in the week that yesterday was the Chinese New Year Eve. It was business as usual Down Under. I haven’t stopped working since Sunday and have been doing eleven to twelve hours at my desk since. Bloody thankless but guess it is what it is in the rat race as I do time and try to work my way up the corporate food chain.
On Tuesday night, I then recalled having been invited by a bunch of old university friends for a Chinese reunion dinner last night. All thanks to Facebook. I nearly couldn’t make it due to work but alas, I made it albeit an hour and a half late.
“Since when did you move to Sydney, P?”
“June 2005.”
“Oh, for that long already?”
“Yes, but after I graduated I went to Paris to study fashion and worked there for a while…”
“No wonder, you have dropped off the radar…”
“Yes…”
I didn’t add that since I left campus and moved out to live with DL, life hadn’t been easy. So I did dropped off from that group way before I finished university. The year is 2002. 2003 was the dawn of the dark years to come…
Strangely, some of them are already married. One couple got married 5 years ago. I always remembered the girl as someone else’s girlfriend-my mind still stuck in 1999-2002. As for the husband, he was always Mr. Nice Guy Virgin Boy(NGVB) whom I used to hang around with my other best girlfriend, Swimmey during the time I was single and NGVB also hung out with DL in another clique before DL and I got hooked up. Onlookers thought it was a case of rebound on the girl’s end when they got married. By the time this couple started dating, DL and I must be together for a good 2 to 3 years.
At the restaurant, we were a group of fifteen. I am hardly a groupie. But I do what I needed to do. I switched seats and sat next to Kitty whom I used to hang out with back in the old days. She first started off as DL’s good friend.
I recalled those crazy days when I dated DL. I hung out with this group who has no observation of time and urgency for academic deadlines. They could be easily rounded up in the middle of a night to have supper and beer at the local pokies club where they also played pool and smoked heaps. My organised life was completely disrupted and I saw my grades sliding. I only used to party from Thursday nights to Saturday nights; the rest of the nights were spent catch up on studies, gossiping with Swimmey or sleep. I was mad at DL and his decadent friends. Coolios and I were the two “smartie pants” in the group. But Coolios was cool and had a laid back attitude, someone who loved his fags and alcohol- not at all a stereotypical A-list student. I was deemed overly domineering with DL, outspoken and self-righteous and was perhaps tolerated for being DL’s gal initially for the most part.
Strangely, Kitty is now the one with the MBA (despite her lousy grades and repeat subjects) and is currently doing more studies. I recall the time where she was so gone from taking Ecstasy, having been ditched by the Pilot and previously attempted to slash her wrist, she turned up at our house at 2am. She couldn’t stop talking and DL kept her company all night. I was pissed my usual way, just wanted to get on with my life as I have planned with the prospect of upcoming exams at the back of my mind and causing my anxiety levels to go up few folds (from having to manage the household financially and Fluffball, DL and myself to be on track for revisions)…
“So have you been to Sad Town since?”
“You know DL and I have broken off right?”
“Yeah. I was back there during Christmas and went to visit him at both your place. He cooked me dinner.”
“Oh, that was nice. Didn’t know you guys spent Christmas together!”
I was heartened that at least DL had friends to celebrate with during the festive season.
“So are you for real? Have you thought about it carefully?”
I nodded my head.
“Guess the problem has always been there, don’t you think?”
She nodded her head.
“So have you got a boyfriend now?”
“No! We’ve only recently broken up…”
“Well, still? It’s not that recent you know…”
What do I say? It’s still a sore point. I haven’t even the courage to write about that day. Too much for what my heart and emotions can handle at this point, really…
****
The last time I was home, it was the first time I had so many people asking me the question, “When are you coming home?”
It sounded like a foreign question because I never thought I was ever coming home. I remembered the day I left. It was B’s 20th birthday. She cried her eyes out. I still feel that moment where I walked into the airport check-in, me suppressing whatever fear or nostalgia I was capable of. I took a deep breath, turned and waved at my entourage of family and friends, gritted my teeth and left. I remember telling myself I will never come back to live here ever again, I will seek that brave new world out there and do good…
Funny when you hit a certain age, you suddenly realise how far you have walked the mile alone and your growing weariness is fast slowing you down to pause and think. It just registered that you have since left much behind. You haven’t realised how brave you have been, simply because you didn’t know any better before.
You now become aware of your parents’ mortality, the dwindling number of single friends you could round out for a night of fun, the number of Chinese New Years you have missed…
Now I must admit I am feeling a tad homesick.
Maybe like how some of my friends said, it’s time for me to come home.
What can I do if I return?
Next month, I will fly home for 2 weekends- thanks to work.
So yes, I will be coming home. But not for too long.
