Saturday, February 16, 2008
Our Journey
Instead of catching up on the backlog in my life, I ended up before my laptop and took a trip down memory lane…
(I have extracted excerpts of our correspondences from almost four months into our friendship).
I did say someday I would publish some of our letters didn’t I?
****
what a pleasant surprise
From: Old Boy
Sent: Friday, 8 June 2007 9:14:06 AM
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
hello,
just when i thought my day couldn't get any better, out of the blue, i get a phone call from you! i've been receiving many overseas calls today becos of my indon project and many of the calls did not show their numbers becos they came from overseas. so when your call came in, i thought, damn, it's work again. then i heard your voice, with the still not all too unfamiliar aussie accent. immediately, i got off my desk and started walking away from my desk, all the time with a huge beaming smile on my face. i got to the corridor of my office where i could then speak openly within any prying ears or eyes with my face still beaming from the call and the sound of your voice.
i am sure you could hear the smile in my voice. i don't think i could have hidden that away from you.
i like your description of my tiny little eyes growing even smaller as my puffy cheeks bloated up from the smile...thus further impairing my vision but who cared at the time right? all i could think about was i really needed this phone call and whether she's telepathic to know that i would truly appreciate the call from none other than Ms P. it really couldn't have come at a better time. and it truly a pleasant surprise. must appreciated.
anyway, i'm fine, thanks. yes, the tender did have some obstacles to clear,but i cleared them all. wonderful. i had to sweet talk and charm my way through guys and dolls but at the end of the day, i managed to clear all my obstacles and only have to vet through the pricing to ensure that everything is in order and that call isn't mine to make alone. my MD will be assisting me or perhaps me assisting the MD. which is good as a 2nd pair of eyes is always better than one pair and he's a four eye so that's 3 pairs of eyes looking through the pricing and trying to catch any discrepencies which could ruin us financially.
it's now about 7pm YOUR time. am hoping and praying that your bus driver is in good spirits and not intoxicated by your presence after you've done flirting with him to get you there faster and perhaps smoother, easier on your buttocks as he avoids all the major potholes. ha ha...and hoping that the wet roads does not pose a problem to him as he navigates along the roads to Sad Town. hope you get to DL safe and sound. and if you're reading this, i am sure you have!
really hoping to hear from you. i do miss your writing and now only read about you and your life on the net through your blog. well, at least you're still updating your blog, which is nice. happy birthday to M too. heh heh. what's with it about you and not letting them 'go'? hahhah...perhaps if and when you get to know me 'better?', you might not want to let me go either. or perhaps it's becos i'm kinda sticky and sweaty and you've adhered yourself to my body. ha ha. just kidding lah. wondering if you can actually put your hands around me.
with that, i shall end. take care and have a good weekend with DL.
take care
write me soon yeah?
best
Old Boy
****
From: "P Dilettante"
To: Old Boy
Subject: RE: got chewed
Date: Thu, 02 Aug 2007 13:27:43 +0000
Good to hear all is well on your end...
in other news, Nano arrives in sydney this sunday... he mentioned he's falling sick with a nasty cough... for some reason, I can't seem to "foresee" him coming....
it's like the same feeling I got with the Big Boy... all our anticipation abt when we meet up in singapore but somehow at the back of my mind for some reason I "saw" that our romance/ carnal activity would not go ahead for some reason despite being 2 willing parties.... it's that feeling I get with Nano now... like if he ever did arrive and we catch up, we might have little to say or we won't fancy each other too much...
hyped up persona syndrome yet again... if that makes sense????
P
RE: got chewed
From: Old Boy
Sent:Friday, 3 August 2007 1:34:15 AM
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
funny how i can actually draw similarities between you meeting with BB and then now with you meeting with Nano, and soon, it would be with you meeting with the Old Boy. ha ha...well, like i said before, zero expectations = zero disappointment. i think you'll be alright with nano though...and you've been quite dry right? except for sexpo and then you didn't have sex after your exam...which i am sure is NOT a good thing. ha ha...so you have pent up sexual aggression...unless of course you managed to use the dildo that's in your drawer beside your bed. ha ha....just kidding.
but after reading your letter below...i also tink of whether the two of us would eventually meet up or not. perhaps we would...why? becos we're both not really romantically linked. we are linked through our common thoughts perhaps and friendship but romantically, we are not linked...(can't say for sexually but that's a one way street that i won't go down unless it becomes a two way highway!) so that's where the meeting of us would be different from nano or bb. it's meant to be platonic...just friends meeting up right? so should not have nor share the same tensions that you're feeling with nano and BB.
wonder if that's clear???
anyway, you take care and have a good weekend and do tell me what went on between you and nano ok>? don't leave anything out. i feel like one of your girlfriends, rooting for you...and cannot wait for the juicy details...ha ha...all the best, good luck and don't drink too much...becos i know what drinking can do to you! hope he brings you a pressie!!!!!!
best
P
****
what happened?
From: Old Boy
Sent: Friday, 10 August 2007 8:16:27 AM
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
all of a sudden you disappeared.
so i will try to cut and paste what i said in case you didn't receive it.
P says:
why is it always back abt u and me when I am talking abt me and another
guy????
P says:
not sex, sex though... just intimacy...
Ol Boy says:
yeah whatever
Old Boy says:
becos the more guys you sleep around with (or be intimate) the better my
chances....duh...or have you already made up your mind about me eh? and you
haven't told me?
Old Boy says:
intimacy...right! ha ha....big f**king difference
Old Boy says:
he probably didn't penetrate you becos he off loaded into your mouth.
Old Boy says:
i would have been happy (or i WILL BE HAPPY) if i could off load into your
mouth too...!!!
Old Boy says:
anyway, about why it is always about you and me, especially when its you and
another guy is becos i wish i had the hope...if you do one fat guy...you
might do me...another fat guy...
Old Boy says:
so it gives me hope dear...whatever little there is...but it gives me hope.
think of the poor ppl and that sort of situation...where can only look
through the window to see all the food on the table.
Old Boy says:
feeling self pity etc. well, it gives me hope. that's all.
Old Boy says:
i'm not saying that i would get lucky or anything like that.
Old Boy says:
i don't even know if i'm your type and vice versa...but i am assuming that
we might be compatible but guess need to judge whether i have a hope in hell
or not. guess what would really make my day is that you would say that i
have a hope in hell. ok? hope that clarifies matters
****
twiddling my thumbs
From: Old Boy
Sent: Monday, 13 August 2007 4:16:13 AM
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
hi there,
hope you are feeling better from this morning.
i think i have more or less decided to take up the offer, and now just
twiddling my thumbs. need to see the offer letter first before tendering here. i think that is a wiser thing to do just in case things don't pan out well at the other company or their offer isn't that attractive. ….. …..but also after having chatted with the founder of the company, i've found him very easy going and easy to work with and he's so very keen to engage me. i think it is going to be a good move.
but the money is going to be good...i'm sure of it. well, even if it only meets 50% of my expectation, it is still a very very substantial increase and by my calculations, would wipe out all the money lost working at this current place in one full year! so after two and a half years of struggling to keep my head above water, and looking at a deficit every month and every year for the past two years or so, i am going to look forward to increased savings and perhaps some pocket money. i am so pleased with this opportunity. really looking forward to it...and the new company has a pool
table in the office! how cool is that right? oh, i think i must have told you about that already. heh heh.
anyway, thot i might cheer you up with a little good news about myself and my direction. sorry if it is all about me...but it is trying to cheer you up since you lack any really good news in your life recently. just to let you know that i am still looking forward to our dinner this december. we've been communicating blindly for the past many months and it would be fun to put a face to all the fucks or intimate times...eh? heheheh...yeah right. can't believe that you still stand by the fact that you didn't have sex...sigh...trying to fool one's self...ok...sorry...i can't talk...i am not on a morally high horse either. perhaps we're in the same boat
together.
speaking of boats...i wasn't quite sure if i should tell you, becos i know you'd 'scold or chide' me but the First Love wrote me an sms to say hello which eventually led to her wanting something from singapore...a wrist band or something like that from nike. she said none available in KL. hmm...first thing that popped into my mind was YOU! yeah, i know...crazy right? but remembered your warning and so i delayed and dallied and said i'd call her today (monday) to confirm the model etc and to see if there was any available here. later in the day, she finally messaged me to say that she had found it already. whew...i know that you would have been cross with me if i had gone and gotten the thing for her. whew...wouldn't want to suffer the wrath of P. she still knows how to tug my heart but i'm very glad that i have you, and your words and warnings and wisdom to turn to. you have made a difference to my life...yup...you have. in your little ways...you have. don't say that i haven't been listening to you...i might not look like i have...but i have!
another thing, is that Paid Fuck also wrote to me via sms to ask for 'help'. hmm...told her i was bz and that i might call her or sms her on tues or wed. again, remembered you...see, you have made a difference. perhaps the money saved should go into the P dinner fund...ha ha...then oosh would definitely be on me!
anyway, you take care. just a couple of testimonies to let you know that you have been making a difference to someone's life.
best
Old Boy
****
RE: twiddling my thumbs
From: Old Boy
Sent: Tuesday, 14 August 2007 12:13:50 AM
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
good morning, hope you are feeling better today.
i'm a little bz and will have to run around town today to get endorsements and such for tender in indonesia, as usual.
but i thank you for your messages yesterday via sms and truly hope that you are feeling better.
you should know better than to worry yourself silly about relationships. sigh..you are so young...you have the whole world ahead of you.
anyway, perhaps you're trying too hard. planning too much. and not being carefree and free spirited anymore. perhaps you're just trying too hard.
whatever the case, i don't think i can help much except by being a listening ear to you and your troubles.
take care and be good.
best
Old Boy
i just read your blog update and am logging on now. i will be there for you in a minute.
take care and glad to hear that you have decided to go see a counsellor.hope things work out well for you dear.
and don't think too much about me k? i'm the furthest thing you need at the
moment.
but you know that i won't let you fall...i'll be there for you in spirit while you chat with the counsellor.
best
Old Boy
From: Old Boy
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
Subject: WHY FRIENDS ARE NECESSARY
Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2007 02:22:10 +0000
dearest p,
enclosed please find a cartoon that really says what i would like to do in my life.
i may not have all the answers and i may not have the strength and expertise to help you and to pull you up, but i will NOT let you fall. this is certainly on my heart. that i would NOT let you fall.
but sometimes, the things that i say or do might hurt you...like in the cartoon, with the stone on the face. i may not have the strength or the right words to help you get up from your depression or your state of emotional disillusion or work troubles, but i certainly won't let you fall.
thus my words and actions might hurt you...and for that i am truly sorry.
but i hope that this cartoon would allow you to understand more about how i feel and thus how you might feel when i say something nasty or cutting or hurt you.
that's all i have to say
best
P
From: "P Dilettante"
To: Old Boy
Subject: RE: WHY FRIENDS ARE NECESSARY
Date: Wed, 15 Aug 2007 01:30:55 +0000
Old Boy,
I wish u are online today, just when I need u... am not at work... am still depressed and I cannot allow myself to be like that... going to see a doc later for a recommendation for a counsellor....I think b4 it affects my wk and pp see through me....
my heart is congested....
P
****
From: Old Boy
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
Subject: have a good weekend
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2007 10:05:47 +0000
sorry, was out for a while and when i got back, you were gone. anyway, just to wish you a good friday and a good weekend.
hope things are working better with you and DL. i guess it is a roller coaster of a ride for you these past few eeks. i guess i am privy to the entire picture...the whole picture.
thanks for letting me into your life.anyway, am really hoping that you pull your life together really soon dear.
take care of yourself...both emotionally and especially physically...i.e. your health and well being.
will catch up with you on tuesday when i come back to the office.
Best
Old Boy
From: P Dilettante
To: Old Boy
Subject: RE: have a good weekend
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:31:03 +0000
Thanks Old Boy. You have a good time in Hong Kong with your wife and children. Try creating some romance! ;) My heart is beating fast again as I write.
I don't know what is wrong with me Old Boy. Also, I cannot seem to get bloody Nano out of my mind at the moment (and I am REALLY ashamed of myself And would not tell B lest I get another scolding)... sigh...
Anyways, you have fun and hopefully I might be in better spirits when you return Old Boy.
Best,
P
*****
From: P Dilettante
To: Old Boy
Subject: RE: have a good weekend
Date: Sun, 2 Sep 2007 14:07:06 +0000
Hi Old Boy,
How have you been? It seems like ages since we last spoke online or written. Are you still at your old job or on gardening leave?
It's Sunday night and I hope you have had a good weekend. I was in the office from 9.30am to 4.30pm today but I am glad I got work done.
I don't know why I am writing except that my heart is still frail and Nano is still on my mind and he has gotten rationalised and there is little I could do to better the situation for myself apart from trying to get over it and get over myself...
I don't know my heart was never made for stomaching flings and affairs and god knows why I often get myself into knots... the last time was Dr J&H, which suddenly didn't seem too long ago, considering the fact that then I just met your acquaintance on email and it was during that time that I made a trip home for the wkend to see him. But guess it was easy to not get myself too sentimental over that one post the "fat" incident...
Old Boy, I don't know why I am telling you this except that I have no one to deposit my discomfort and being such a pain to myself cos I am too embarrassed and seriously, I would be so with the psychologist I am sure. Hope you wouldn't be tempted to take advantage of my situation to mentally screw me up at the moment (that's the self conscious paranoid me talking but then who wd say yes, P I would screw u up mentally if they want to do that to me in my vulnerable stage right? Yes, paranoid me pre-empting
again!!!)... I hear myself laughing slightly re-reading the paragraph I have just written...
Old Boy, the other nite on Friday I went out for drinks with colleagues and met a guy. I reckon he is your age and we had some quality conversation...
I swear to god I looked not the least bit attractive that night. I was in my black work suit, no make up, hair in a mess in pony tail and in white loafers (since I leave all my heels at work) and was drifting in my own thoughts thinking of Nano... I think all of us must have interacted prior within the group (comprising my colleagues and I, guy and girls and him,
and 2 other military guys and a girl- basically it was sporadic chatting and 4 diff groups ended up on the same long table)...
Then he sat beside me and said, "P, can I say you look really pretty?" I wasn't in charm mode that night either and had my legs up on the bottom of the table as we sat on high stools but he was a great guy to speak with, a fountain of knowledge, a sales and marketing guy in a high position working for TUB (Toll rds, big biz here and he later did asked if I would be interested to join the org as an Analyst cos he notice I asked a lot of quality and intelligent questions about his work and about himself and maybe the way I like to analyse things and give my usual two cents' worth as you would know it and which I have irritated you to no end with food for thought;))...
And then we began talking about lots of stuff- work and maybe some philosophy, our observations of human behaviour in the corporate world and mindsets of people and things in general... then he said that I was funny (like how Nano would say about me) and I often wonder what that means cos my friends say that about me too... I told this guy that I am quite a serious person and please can he enlighten me in what way was I funny... he
said it was my view of things, somewhat quirky and I am naturally funny the way I put things across without trying to be and that is something quite appealing... and my intelligence and knowledge and me sounding so educated (DL's boss at the winery said that about me- old man who is an ex-lawyer)... and then I said but I am a charlatan and a schmoozer if he hasn't noticed (as a sales and marketing person) and he said, "Oh P, I can't believe you said that about yourself but yes, you are a schmoozer, yes..." and he began to laugh bemusedly (and later to prove his earlier pt about how I cd take the joke on myself that made me appealing...)We were talking about education, doing MBAs and what have you and he said that I probably didn't need to do a masters cos I am probably
street smart enough to do well in life...
That night he mentioned that there is something "French" about my mannerism (did I also tell u when I was in sec sch someone said that about me too???? They didn't think I was Chinese for some reason. I don't know why but I suspect it must be linked to the notion of aristocracy because that's what V used to say about me when we first met when I was 15 that I had sthg aristocratic about me...). Maybe I do have a gift Mew and it lies with being around people and maybe I just don't get enough of it to enable me to lead larger than life and its causing me to be depressed....
I don't know why I am telling you this and I know its "I,I , I" and I have been like that for the longest time you know me now... I am sorry... I was thinking just last night and recalled that yes, it's been a long while since I turned that charm mode on you with titillating vocabulary and wordplay as we were wont to do in our earlier communications... I am so grateful that you haven't abandon our communications altogether because if you do, there might be no way that I could later reach you (or not, not underestimating my own mapping and detective skills heh!).
that nite was a gd nite Old Boy and I stayed out till 2am and it was down to us 4- all 4 of us came from sporadic diff groups, 4 complete strangers and we had MacDonalds and then I cabbed it home...and these days, by 10pm I tend to be watching my clock and want to go home. That night, by the time I looked at the watch, it was past 1am...
>
also, earlier in that nite, a colleague of mine (my senior one level above me and a rising star to become boss's next right hand woman) said sthg to me that makes me feel that perhaps there is hope that I could do good in my career... you know how I have had all these self doubts about me for the longest time...
She said I am so driven in my job (and I was surprised cos I always think that pp in my team must think/ know that I have been slacking off) and she was telling everyone how she thinks I write really well. I mean she is THE grammar Nazi in the team and she is someone you would go to and trust (by everyone and bosses) to read through our written assessments with a fine tooth comb and make corrections/ re-phrasing in red ink... so that has been something that quite perked me up...
I was talking to DL today and we're both looking forward to our hols on next Friday to following Wed... whenever, we talk, I feel happy and not want to leave him... but my infidelity and me wanting Nano drives me crazy and I feel that I cannot lead a double life like that no longer... I keep qning if I could ever settle down and I certainly don't want to live in emotional limbo all my life... it is an impediment to my longer term plans >that will spillover to other parts of my life, esp professionally... I don't know anymore, Old Boy...btw, I am going on hols on Nano's bd- irony eh? And I told N when he asked if I was still going to Manila next mth, I said no cos I am bz and cannot get away from wk... I guess pragmatic me still knows where my priorities lie, esp when I cannot feel that he is that into me...
Hopefully, by the time we finally meet up, I am back to my old self again- that will make for more delightful company for us at Oosh! Heh!:)
Ok, gotta go get my beauty sleep. Talk soon. I know it's a long email to go through but I reckon you must think its a pleasant surprise...
Write me a long one to update the going ons on your end, will you Old Boy?;)
After writing this email, I am already feeling better...:)
Cheers,
P
P.S Newsflash!!! My ex-bf's wife is pregnant with a 2nd one!!!! Can you
imagine????
RE: have a good weekend
From: Old Boy
Sent: Monday, 3 September 2007 1:52:25 AM
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
thanks for the long email and i have been having a few good days these past week or so. hk was great...even with the little one with us. then we just drove up to desaru for the thur, fri and sat and that was really great too. haven't had such a wonderful time with the wifey for the longest time and desaru really proved to be a great hit although the place was really run down and my elder boy didn't like the beach at all...nor the sand between
his toes...just like his daddy. ha ha. i really don't like sand between my toes when i wear sandals...heh heh.
nevertheless, it was a great week...and i think relationships strengthened...although i am not abandoning my old ways but its good to spend this quality time with wifey and family.
you just came online...while i was reading the letter....so i guess i will cut this short to see how you're getting along. don't worry, i won't mess with you mind lah...but i do miss the old days of nottie little emails and messages...ha ha. guess we are good friends....not incapable of sleeping with each other (my personal observation), and it would probably be becos we want to be intimate...but anyway, let's drop this one. don't want to mess
with you mentally.
it's ok to write to me...to pen down what you want to say or what you have in your heart and in your mind. i'm always here to listen to you. i see you evolving...since the first day...i see your ups and your downs...and i know how you feel these days.
take care...and just to let you know, i am still at my old job...not moving to the new company until the 1st october. so it's a while to go yet. i am sure that we'll still be able to keep in touch when i shift offices.
and another thing...i guess some other guys would have totally dropped you in the sense that you don't provide any more titillating sensual emails and the such. i won't. heaven knows that i keep telling myself that i am getting myself further and deeper into P's world and it isn't that healthy...but i keep telling myself that we're friends first and foremost. that's the top of the list. if we ever did or do anything intimate together...(not going to promise that nothing is going to happen...so not going to kid ourselves) but if anything were to happen, let me tell you now, first and foremost, that it is our friendship that i treasure the most. not sure if intimacy would make us better off or worst off...but i will never look back...i will always treasure our friendship first and foremost and hope that even if anything happened between us, that we would still keep in mind that we're friends first.
best
P
****
RE: On our last online conversation.
From: Old Boy
Sent: Sunday, 10 February 2008 12:11:38 AM
To: P Dilettante (dilettantep@hotmail.com)
i only asked you to stay true to me from one person...and you couldn't even do that.
that's my disappointment.
and PS...you asked me to stay true to you while you were in town. and i did...i didn't sleep with The Mistress dear...i lied to hurt you. i was at my parents house...looking after the kids...i was actually true to you...but i lied to hurt you.
From: dilettantep@hotmail.com
To: Old Boy
Subject: RE: On our last online conversation.
Date: Sun, 10 Feb 2008 12:35:46 +0000
Like I said, I did flagged no sex. I had no premeditated intention. If ever, my intention was no sex.
zero expectations brings zero disappointment.
No, I never asked you to stay true to me cos I didn't dare hope. This was not to say I didn't wish you would do that for me. You brought up the issue of exclusivity first when you mentioned about Ex-Fuck coming back to look you up. You said, "You know we are not exclusive right?" to which I replied, "How could we?" And then you said it yourself that you won't look her up while I was in town.
I always thought about you first- I mean it will be naive of me to think that you would stay exclusive for anyone for that matter, let alone me given the proximity. Although on my end, it is a non-problem cos I'll never have that extensive "social" life that you have and in my real immediate world, I have better things to focus my time on.
And I did have every intention to be exclusive for you on my part and it'll most likely to be so even when I am in Australia cos that's how my life works. And I would have done so in good faith/feelings although I know I get nothing out of it at the end of the day and knowing full well that you have so many extracurricular activities. If ever there is any request on my end when I was still sleeping with you, my concern is more focused on sexual hygiene/ responsibility.
thanks for staying true to me those 3 weeks- its more than a pleasant surprise to know. I wish certain things could be undone but guess I cannot turn back clock.
Yeah and please don't lie to hurt me cos it would only further complicate matters-its that ego of yours talking but it will not make you feel any better for one even if you meant all out to get me hurt. Plus if it backfired like before, it can only fuel me to more anger and you will be in shambles emotionally if we stop talking altogether- at the end of the day, we care too much about each other as friends to warrant such a malicious spite.
