Saturday, February 02, 2008
What you Learn…
It doesn’t get easier with age.
The heart doesn’t become hardy like you would hope.
It just gets heavier with burden.
Then it shows signs of crumbling.
Yet another heart squeeze of pain that resonates the previous and the following…
That perpetuality.
You then wish if you have to choose between pains, you questioned which one would I choose?
You would pick that big grand pain that physically hurt your chest that you experienced when you were thirteen but most prominently fifteen.
You cried your eyes out and you lost your breath.
You even cried yourself to sleep.
But with time you did get over it.
You got over it with no residues, no betraying scars.
But age suppresses that child-like hopefulness you have for the world.
Even when you do, the rest of the world will prove you otherwise.
You “smarten” up but your heart is true to your soul and never lies to you…
Only your mind is capable of tricking you.
You never escape from you.
Inevitably, your herd instincts put you on cope and maintenance mode.
There goes the vicious cycle…
Heart squeeze, pain, heart squeeze, pain…
*****
That Thursday August afternoon before Nano left my house, we got onto our favourite topic- money.
The mood was grim and tensed. He was getting into a foul and anxious mood about his brother.
We were walking up the stairs to my bedroom.
“Yeah, it’s true I get worried when I don’t make enough money…”
“P, but you are doing fine.”
I meant to at least first get one part of my life right.
“Money can take care of many of my worries, Nano. But what I really fear most in life are the things that even if I had made that much, the money still cannot take care of…”
He looked at me quietly and understood what I meant.
*****
In another Life’s lesson, you learn that honesty has a price to pay.
But you exchange it for freedom.
So you did the right thing.
You think, by others and by yourself.
True there is pain but you will cope and perhaps will heal.
How well you don’t know.
The journey is ongoing…
*****
Perhaps I value my freedom more than I am capable of loving.
I must be, I tell myself.
My newfound freedom legalises my polygamy.
*****
Polygamy and love- can they ever be complementary?
Love of what?
Lovers, sex, companionship, life…
Is the heart of a true polygamist capable of devoting to loving one singularly?
Will then the soul of the polygamist be compromised?
*****
In yet another Life’s lessons, I figured polygamy is a true test of one’s Ego.
That need- to- possess- another Ego.
Not exactly free love.
But ah, the twist lies in this:
The true lover’s ability to respect the style of the polygamist.
Dispel that jealousy of wanting exclusivity.
Not even feel that pain of having to share.
To top up the mere idea:
Think of the lovers as a pair of polygamists in themselves.
**
“ When the heart falls in love with somebody, then there is no problem; then your love object is your only love object for you. The moment the heart has fallen in love with a woman, then that is the only woman in the world. Then all other women have disappeared for you. The heart is single in purpose. But if the head had fallen in love- in fact it has not fallen in love, it simply pretends- then it is difficult. Then any woman that passes on street attracts you, provokes you. Then any passing influence distracts you. Love knows single purpose because love is really of the heart. If you are here with me through the heart, then it is a totally different relationship. Then it is going to be eternal. Then I can die, you can die, but the relationship cannot die. But if it is only of the head, if you are simply convinced by what I am saying, not convinced by what I am… if you are only convinced by what I am saying- my logic, my argument- then this relationship is temporary. Tomorrow you will be convinced by somebody else. Tomorrow somebody else can give you a better argument; then it disappears.
… the pure in heart and single in purpose are able to understand the most supreme way.”
-“ In Accord with the Way”, The Buddha Said… meeting the challenge of life’s difficulties, Osho
**
Could polygamists still be capable of love and being in love with each other?
**
I am single.
Technically, I am free.
This free spirit now dabbles in polygamy.
**
I put my Ego to a test.
I put my heart on the line.
We found each other through polygamy.
**
The Old Boy mentioned the fucks.
Shows me texts of mistress and fucks.
(Mini heart squeeze.)
(Pain suppression, sometimes I even managed a smile.)
I continued to stick to my script.
I spotted the discomfort on his expression.
He would ask me about the others.
The Koran (that I kissed), DL (yes, we still keep in touch every so often), the Norwegian and the ex-fucks.
That slight self-interested discomfort he betrayed when he inquired about the size of the white dicks that I have fucked.
Ensuing, he suggested contemptuously that perhaps Koran, him and me should do a threesome.
He gave a little laugh to mask that jealousy.
I pouted, looking and feeling a little hurt.
He wanted to share me.
(But I reminded myself that I am a polygamist and so is he.)
“Oh baby, how could you say that? You don’t respect me do you?”
“Well, I am saying if you want to sleep with Koran just tell me ok? You can go and sleep with him.”
He was sulking.
(Noted)
(My heart lightened up a little.)
I had to remind myself that I am a polygamist and so is he- we are non-exclusive.
(But my heart was yielding.)
“No, I won’t Baby.”
I hugged him.
He was appeased and so was I.
I intended to stay exclusive for him.
**
“What’s in for you P? The Old Boy is married!”
I didn’t add that he has a mistress and many numerous fucks on his end.
I wasn’t with him to keep scores.
Those 360 now-and-here moments were what I treasured.
I am still sticking to my script.
“Nothing. He is good to me. Enjoy the present.”
At least for once in my life, I had a certainty.
That is, knowing that there is no future together.
The inspiration of Hope arising from a joint experience can be the most destructive thing.
The Old Boy’s maxim- “Zero Expectations = zero disappointments”.
I stuck to his words.
I was loyal to my heart.
I dispelled my Ego.
*****
The biggest Life lesson I have learnt is that there is no such thing as fair play.
Universal truth.
“In every market, there are winners and losers.”
I was taught in my first Economics lecture at school.
No wonder, Economics never has been my forte. In fact, I got someone to sit for my exam at university just to pass.
That “pass” grade always stuck out like a sore thumb amidst my academic transcript of “distinctions” and “high distinctions”.
I should have taken it upon myself to learn that lesson well.
**
“I have relinquish my hold over you.”
“Why?”
“You have done the dirty with Koran.”
“No!”
“I’m sorry. I can’t take you back.”
“I have always been your gal.”
“Nope. You are Koran’s.”
“You know I gave you my heart and soul.”
“I did too. But I gave your heart back to you when I learnt that you slept with him.”
“Please baby.”
“No. You promised me you won’t. You broke my heart-lunged a knife in there and pulled it out.”
“I never thought you cared for me…”
“If I didn’t, why would I keep asking about Koran and you?”
“I thought it was your Ego-you just wanted to be possessive over me and I let you even though you crammed my style cos I have feelings for you...”
“You promised me. You hurt me.”
“I am sorry. I truly am Old Boy.”
“This is the first time your apologies registered in my mind. But it’s too late.”
“Look. You have others on your side and we are never meant to be exclusive. And I have to share you with some, which I consider as low lives.”
“You could have told me if you wanted to sleep with him.”
“I did not harbour intention. I did intend to stay exclusive for you.”
“But you did sleep with him. Now you can sleep with him as much as you like.”
“Don’t do this to me.”
“You didn’t give a rat’s ass about me.”
“I did. I did.”
“But you went ahead to sleep with him.”
“You sleep with other women too and I never hold it against you.”
“You could’ve told me if you wanted to sleep with him and I would be mentally prepared…”
“So do you have wished that I lied to you and said I didn’t sleep with Koran?”
“Yes! In this instance, I wish you lied so you wouldn’t hurt me and now both of us wouldn’t have to suffer. At least you would still have me.”
“I had no intention but you do with the rest. Please me fair.”
“I’m sorry dear, I’m not taking you back.”
“I’m asking you to be fair to me. Is that too much to ask?”
**
He doesn’t love me. He is very sure.
He told me last night.
So how could I break your heart if you never gave it to me?
I served him back the question he earlier asked me.
To which, I had confessed I did.
He laughed. To which he replied it was his Pride.
*****
I did try to give my best shot at attempting to be a polygamist, didn’t I?
All encompassing in my approach-like I took a subverted Middle Way.
I gave him my heart, dispel my Ego on exclusivity, told him the truth about my “infidelity” (a ringing irony to the word) for the freedom of my soul and didn’t fully compromise the free spirited approach to my soul- well in action, at least.
However, my heart did give in and ruled my behaviour. Certainly, it triggered that emotional and mental torment I felt whilst I was committing the “dirty” with Koran. My heart didn’t quite reconcile too well with my supposedly “free-spirited” soul.
*****
As for you watching keenly out there, for my Ego’s sake (and with well meaning intentions that P here doesn’t get emotionally “short- changed”), I am sure you must be thinking, thank goodness you didn’t stay exclusive in action, P! It would have been so “unfair” for you!
Yes, my heart didn’t give in to reason when perhaps it should have.
It would have been more merciful that way.
Maybe I wouldn’t be experiencing the latest heart-wrenching squeezes.
It seems like my mind still hasn’t quite successfully outsmarted my heart.
I allowed this errantly silly child-like heart to be broken merely by someone’s Ego.
How laughable is my love for the Old Boy?
**
Something’s gotta give somewhere, eh?
That mocking moon of my alter Ego. I hear it taunting me now:
You didn’t stand the true spirit of a polygamist!
You let someone’s lousy Ego break your cheap, pathetic heart!
So tell me Miss Smarty Pants who always appears like you know-it-all, what have you gain?
**
That first Friday night where I was at the Whiskey Bar in the company of the Old Boy, V and another gentle guy, we were having a great laugh.
Next to us, the female Journalist seated in the next table and who already had an axe to grind earlier in the night with me, shot her mouth in our directon and interjected our conversation, aiming at me, “So tell me what’s your market value?”
I was basically left to fend for myself there. Tables at both ends were astounded by the unexpected open fire.
*
Now I can only hear myself smiling and muttering, “Cheap, cheap, cheap…”
**
Yes, please go on! Tell me how stupid, pathetic and loserly I am!
I know, I know.
The laugh is on me.
See, at least I could still pull off a joke- I must be doing A-ok.
It doesn’t get easier with age.
The heart doesn’t become hardy like you would hope.
It just gets heavier with burden.
Then it shows signs of crumbling.
Yet another heart squeeze of pain that resonates the previous and the following…
That perpetuality.
You then wish if you have to choose between pains, you questioned which one would I choose?
You would pick that big grand pain that physically hurt your chest that you experienced when you were thirteen but most prominently fifteen.
You cried your eyes out and you lost your breath.
You even cried yourself to sleep.
But with time you did get over it.
You got over it with no residues, no betraying scars.
But age suppresses that child-like hopefulness you have for the world.
Even when you do, the rest of the world will prove you otherwise.
You “smarten” up but your heart is true to your soul and never lies to you…
Only your mind is capable of tricking you.
You never escape from you.
Inevitably, your herd instincts put you on cope and maintenance mode.
There goes the vicious cycle…
Heart squeeze, pain, heart squeeze, pain…
*****
That Thursday August afternoon before Nano left my house, we got onto our favourite topic- money.
The mood was grim and tensed. He was getting into a foul and anxious mood about his brother.
We were walking up the stairs to my bedroom.
“Yeah, it’s true I get worried when I don’t make enough money…”
“P, but you are doing fine.”
I meant to at least first get one part of my life right.
“Money can take care of many of my worries, Nano. But what I really fear most in life are the things that even if I had made that much, the money still cannot take care of…”
He looked at me quietly and understood what I meant.
*****
In another Life’s lesson, you learn that honesty has a price to pay.
But you exchange it for freedom.
So you did the right thing.
You think, by others and by yourself.
True there is pain but you will cope and perhaps will heal.
How well you don’t know.
The journey is ongoing…
*****
Perhaps I value my freedom more than I am capable of loving.
I must be, I tell myself.
My newfound freedom legalises my polygamy.
*****
Polygamy and love- can they ever be complementary?
Love of what?
Lovers, sex, companionship, life…
Is the heart of a true polygamist capable of devoting to loving one singularly?
Will then the soul of the polygamist be compromised?
*****
In yet another Life’s lessons, I figured polygamy is a true test of one’s Ego.
That need- to- possess- another Ego.
Not exactly free love.
But ah, the twist lies in this:
The true lover’s ability to respect the style of the polygamist.
Dispel that jealousy of wanting exclusivity.
Not even feel that pain of having to share.
To top up the mere idea:
Think of the lovers as a pair of polygamists in themselves.
**
“ When the heart falls in love with somebody, then there is no problem; then your love object is your only love object for you. The moment the heart has fallen in love with a woman, then that is the only woman in the world. Then all other women have disappeared for you. The heart is single in purpose. But if the head had fallen in love- in fact it has not fallen in love, it simply pretends- then it is difficult. Then any woman that passes on street attracts you, provokes you. Then any passing influence distracts you. Love knows single purpose because love is really of the heart. If you are here with me through the heart, then it is a totally different relationship. Then it is going to be eternal. Then I can die, you can die, but the relationship cannot die. But if it is only of the head, if you are simply convinced by what I am saying, not convinced by what I am… if you are only convinced by what I am saying- my logic, my argument- then this relationship is temporary. Tomorrow you will be convinced by somebody else. Tomorrow somebody else can give you a better argument; then it disappears.
… the pure in heart and single in purpose are able to understand the most supreme way.”
-“ In Accord with the Way”, The Buddha Said… meeting the challenge of life’s difficulties, Osho
**
Could polygamists still be capable of love and being in love with each other?
**
I am single.
Technically, I am free.
This free spirit now dabbles in polygamy.
**
I put my Ego to a test.
I put my heart on the line.
We found each other through polygamy.
**
The Old Boy mentioned the fucks.
Shows me texts of mistress and fucks.
(Mini heart squeeze.)
(Pain suppression, sometimes I even managed a smile.)
I continued to stick to my script.
I spotted the discomfort on his expression.
He would ask me about the others.
The Koran (that I kissed), DL (yes, we still keep in touch every so often), the Norwegian and the ex-fucks.
That slight self-interested discomfort he betrayed when he inquired about the size of the white dicks that I have fucked.
Ensuing, he suggested contemptuously that perhaps Koran, him and me should do a threesome.
He gave a little laugh to mask that jealousy.
I pouted, looking and feeling a little hurt.
He wanted to share me.
(But I reminded myself that I am a polygamist and so is he.)
“Oh baby, how could you say that? You don’t respect me do you?”
“Well, I am saying if you want to sleep with Koran just tell me ok? You can go and sleep with him.”
He was sulking.
(Noted)
(My heart lightened up a little.)
I had to remind myself that I am a polygamist and so is he- we are non-exclusive.
(But my heart was yielding.)
“No, I won’t Baby.”
I hugged him.
He was appeased and so was I.
I intended to stay exclusive for him.
**
“What’s in for you P? The Old Boy is married!”
I didn’t add that he has a mistress and many numerous fucks on his end.
I wasn’t with him to keep scores.
Those 360 now-and-here moments were what I treasured.
I am still sticking to my script.
“Nothing. He is good to me. Enjoy the present.”
At least for once in my life, I had a certainty.
That is, knowing that there is no future together.
The inspiration of Hope arising from a joint experience can be the most destructive thing.
The Old Boy’s maxim- “Zero Expectations = zero disappointments”.
I stuck to his words.
I was loyal to my heart.
I dispelled my Ego.
*****
The biggest Life lesson I have learnt is that there is no such thing as fair play.
Universal truth.
“In every market, there are winners and losers.”
I was taught in my first Economics lecture at school.
No wonder, Economics never has been my forte. In fact, I got someone to sit for my exam at university just to pass.
That “pass” grade always stuck out like a sore thumb amidst my academic transcript of “distinctions” and “high distinctions”.
I should have taken it upon myself to learn that lesson well.
**
“I have relinquish my hold over you.”
“Why?”
“You have done the dirty with Koran.”
“No!”
“I’m sorry. I can’t take you back.”
“I have always been your gal.”
“Nope. You are Koran’s.”
“You know I gave you my heart and soul.”
“I did too. But I gave your heart back to you when I learnt that you slept with him.”
“Please baby.”
“No. You promised me you won’t. You broke my heart-lunged a knife in there and pulled it out.”
“I never thought you cared for me…”
“If I didn’t, why would I keep asking about Koran and you?”
“I thought it was your Ego-you just wanted to be possessive over me and I let you even though you crammed my style cos I have feelings for you...”
“You promised me. You hurt me.”
“I am sorry. I truly am Old Boy.”
“This is the first time your apologies registered in my mind. But it’s too late.”
“Look. You have others on your side and we are never meant to be exclusive. And I have to share you with some, which I consider as low lives.”
“You could have told me if you wanted to sleep with him.”
“I did not harbour intention. I did intend to stay exclusive for you.”
“But you did sleep with him. Now you can sleep with him as much as you like.”
“Don’t do this to me.”
“You didn’t give a rat’s ass about me.”
“I did. I did.”
“But you went ahead to sleep with him.”
“You sleep with other women too and I never hold it against you.”
“You could’ve told me if you wanted to sleep with him and I would be mentally prepared…”
“So do you have wished that I lied to you and said I didn’t sleep with Koran?”
“Yes! In this instance, I wish you lied so you wouldn’t hurt me and now both of us wouldn’t have to suffer. At least you would still have me.”
“I had no intention but you do with the rest. Please me fair.”
“I’m sorry dear, I’m not taking you back.”
“I’m asking you to be fair to me. Is that too much to ask?”
**
He doesn’t love me. He is very sure.
He told me last night.
So how could I break your heart if you never gave it to me?
I served him back the question he earlier asked me.
To which, I had confessed I did.
He laughed. To which he replied it was his Pride.
*****
I did try to give my best shot at attempting to be a polygamist, didn’t I?
All encompassing in my approach-like I took a subverted Middle Way.
I gave him my heart, dispel my Ego on exclusivity, told him the truth about my “infidelity” (a ringing irony to the word) for the freedom of my soul and didn’t fully compromise the free spirited approach to my soul- well in action, at least.
However, my heart did give in and ruled my behaviour. Certainly, it triggered that emotional and mental torment I felt whilst I was committing the “dirty” with Koran. My heart didn’t quite reconcile too well with my supposedly “free-spirited” soul.
*****
As for you watching keenly out there, for my Ego’s sake (and with well meaning intentions that P here doesn’t get emotionally “short- changed”), I am sure you must be thinking, thank goodness you didn’t stay exclusive in action, P! It would have been so “unfair” for you!
Yes, my heart didn’t give in to reason when perhaps it should have.
It would have been more merciful that way.
Maybe I wouldn’t be experiencing the latest heart-wrenching squeezes.
It seems like my mind still hasn’t quite successfully outsmarted my heart.
I allowed this errantly silly child-like heart to be broken merely by someone’s Ego.
How laughable is my love for the Old Boy?
**
Something’s gotta give somewhere, eh?
That mocking moon of my alter Ego. I hear it taunting me now:
You didn’t stand the true spirit of a polygamist!
You let someone’s lousy Ego break your cheap, pathetic heart!
So tell me Miss Smarty Pants who always appears like you know-it-all, what have you gain?
**
That first Friday night where I was at the Whiskey Bar in the company of the Old Boy, V and another gentle guy, we were having a great laugh.
Next to us, the female Journalist seated in the next table and who already had an axe to grind earlier in the night with me, shot her mouth in our directon and interjected our conversation, aiming at me, “So tell me what’s your market value?”
I was basically left to fend for myself there. Tables at both ends were astounded by the unexpected open fire.
*
Now I can only hear myself smiling and muttering, “Cheap, cheap, cheap…”
**
Yes, please go on! Tell me how stupid, pathetic and loserly I am!
I know, I know.
The laugh is on me.
See, at least I could still pull off a joke- I must be doing A-ok.
