Monday, April 14, 2008
Recent Snap Shots
So much happening at the moment.
Am at a big crossroad with my career.
I don’t know where I might be in 3 months- could be back in Asia for good.
Spent most parts of last month travelling.
I was glad I spent last weekend at home alone.
Finally. Must have cleaned out at least 10 kilos of garbage.
The week before, DL, Fluffball and I went into the countryside.
A place famous for vineyards.
We were so wined out tasting one wine after another.
Just like the good old days where we did the family thing.
Took the Fluffball on holidays-this time we sat in a horse carriage to do the wine tour.
Fluffball is a lucky bitch we rescued from the RSPCA.
No one ever guessed since she is so well groomed and lives like the princess.
She has been with us for almost 6 years now.
She has gone on a boat to whale watch, sat on a train, now a horse carriage and countless of road trips, quite the sophisticated traveller she is.
But she is getting old and her hearing is beginning to fail; we need to spend more time.
No DL and I are still not back together.
I found myself tearing out of the blue in the car during our journey into the country.
We slept on the same bed but did nothing.
Strangely we were still comfortable undressing carelessly before each other or leaving the bathroom door slightly open.
We cracked the same familiar jokes as we were wont to as a couple.
We got each other’s nerves like we were together with no need to distance ourselves with politeness given our changes in status.
He still had the same problem with my lethargy and inability to rise early from bed during our holidays together.
I still couldn’t get rid of my old habits of commenting on his scary driving.
Again, he never failed to forget my birthday.
I had earlier asked jokingly if he remembered to get me a present.
He said of course, or he would get into trouble with me.
I was surprised when he presented me with a beautiful Sorwarvski crystal bracelet.
I really didn’t expect anything from him.
I had previously bought him a Style guide on San Francisco- my latest favourite city in the world.
I could see myself live there- guess I could see the 3 of us including Fluffball live there happily ever after.
Why the fuck then am I not building that life together with him?
The Old Boy is constantly on my mind.
I suppressed any temptation to initiate contact with him.
He had brought his mistress to our favourite hangout, the whiskey bar, I found out.
I would not allow myself to be humiliated, especially when we have always been associated as a couple there.
Ironically last month, a fellow regular asked if we were married.
I said no we are not and that guy looked at me questioningly searching for an alternative answer.
I didn’t know what to say and said we were in love.
To which, the Old Boy looked at me half smiling and said, “Are we?”
Almost two weeks ago, my frail nerves nearly crumbled.
I was doing my last minute cramming less than 3 hours to my exams.
The Old Boy came online and chatted.
Then he attempted to pick a fight, accusing me of accusing him of lying.
He said I was trying to keep tabs on him.
I said I just asked him a simple question about his day at the zoo.
If he were to see my expression or hear my tone, I meant no harm.
He said he gets very sensitive to me these days.
I shot back and said unfortunately he is sensitive to me in all the wrong ways.
When I decided to lighten the mood and mentioned my possible transfer back to Singapore, I got no reaction.
I mentioned that I was hoping he would congratulate me.
He said he hoped that I wasn’t doing this for the “wrong” reason.
Then he added, “You know we won’t get back together…”
My heart felt that constriction of pain plus my anxiety for unprepared exam revision, I felt really sick.
Maybe like the aftermath of high levels of intoxication combined with the intake of a number of drugs.
“I would really appreciate if you could do me a favour and stop causing me grief. I have to sit for an exam in less than 3 hours.” I told the Old Boy.
So there we finally logged off.
Since then we must have only spoken online briefly once.
The longest time we have gone without speaking regularly, if not daily like how it used to be for the past year or so.
Last Friday we chatted briefly online.
He mentioned he has missed me.
Shit stirrer.
Counter productive conversation since he has set his mind to ditching me.
I have no time to reciprocate his words no matter how much I feel.
Best to suppress it than to live in any pathetic hope.
I know better. I cannot cope with any more crashed dreams and hopes.
Talk is cheap- his words pressing against my bruised heart.
I am mindful of his impending birthday.
Last week I psyched myself to ignore it at the last minute prior to late night Thursday shopping.
I was determined to cut him off my life.
Yesterday, I found myself wandering into shops looking for his present.
I was looking at shirts and imagining how he would look in them.
Then I turned my attention to his favourite CK boxers.
They had his size and there were a few nice designs that I would fancy seeing him dressed in and that I think he would like.
Inappropriate gift, too intimate, I figured.
Every time I listen to Dianna Krall sing that song that goes, “I’ll string along with you…”, I could so relate to how I feel for Old Boy.
Apologies for the crap post and my mind is again jumping from one thing to another.
Mind is heavy with serious thoughts about my next move.
Lots have happened within a short period of time.
I seriously don’t know where I would physically be in the next few months.
I want to write more about a Danish eye candy and my being asked for two dances by the two elderly gentlemen in an Octogenarian Swing night at the Green Dolphin Street. A jazz club in a city famous for it jazz in the United States.
Recently, I find my writing sounding monotone.
Kind of resembles my real life- if I am not high strung like a lune, I sound dull like a sedated lune…
Still- there is madness and too much clutter.
By the way, I have decided that pending what’s happening in the next few months with my career, I might be taking some time off. Would be spending some time in India to meditate.
Enough of my mental clutter. Enough of me.
Ok, more in a moment.
Tomorrow I have some battles to fight. Hopefully, I could gain more clarity in my life going forward.
Do wish me luck.
So much happening at the moment.
Am at a big crossroad with my career.
I don’t know where I might be in 3 months- could be back in Asia for good.
Spent most parts of last month travelling.
I was glad I spent last weekend at home alone.
Finally. Must have cleaned out at least 10 kilos of garbage.
The week before, DL, Fluffball and I went into the countryside.
A place famous for vineyards.
We were so wined out tasting one wine after another.
Just like the good old days where we did the family thing.
Took the Fluffball on holidays-this time we sat in a horse carriage to do the wine tour.
Fluffball is a lucky bitch we rescued from the RSPCA.
No one ever guessed since she is so well groomed and lives like the princess.
She has been with us for almost 6 years now.
She has gone on a boat to whale watch, sat on a train, now a horse carriage and countless of road trips, quite the sophisticated traveller she is.
But she is getting old and her hearing is beginning to fail; we need to spend more time.
No DL and I are still not back together.
I found myself tearing out of the blue in the car during our journey into the country.
We slept on the same bed but did nothing.
Strangely we were still comfortable undressing carelessly before each other or leaving the bathroom door slightly open.
We cracked the same familiar jokes as we were wont to as a couple.
We got each other’s nerves like we were together with no need to distance ourselves with politeness given our changes in status.
He still had the same problem with my lethargy and inability to rise early from bed during our holidays together.
I still couldn’t get rid of my old habits of commenting on his scary driving.
Again, he never failed to forget my birthday.
I had earlier asked jokingly if he remembered to get me a present.
He said of course, or he would get into trouble with me.
I was surprised when he presented me with a beautiful Sorwarvski crystal bracelet.
I really didn’t expect anything from him.
I had previously bought him a Style guide on San Francisco- my latest favourite city in the world.
I could see myself live there- guess I could see the 3 of us including Fluffball live there happily ever after.
Why the fuck then am I not building that life together with him?
The Old Boy is constantly on my mind.
I suppressed any temptation to initiate contact with him.
He had brought his mistress to our favourite hangout, the whiskey bar, I found out.
I would not allow myself to be humiliated, especially when we have always been associated as a couple there.
Ironically last month, a fellow regular asked if we were married.
I said no we are not and that guy looked at me questioningly searching for an alternative answer.
I didn’t know what to say and said we were in love.
To which, the Old Boy looked at me half smiling and said, “Are we?”
Almost two weeks ago, my frail nerves nearly crumbled.
I was doing my last minute cramming less than 3 hours to my exams.
The Old Boy came online and chatted.
Then he attempted to pick a fight, accusing me of accusing him of lying.
He said I was trying to keep tabs on him.
I said I just asked him a simple question about his day at the zoo.
If he were to see my expression or hear my tone, I meant no harm.
He said he gets very sensitive to me these days.
I shot back and said unfortunately he is sensitive to me in all the wrong ways.
When I decided to lighten the mood and mentioned my possible transfer back to Singapore, I got no reaction.
I mentioned that I was hoping he would congratulate me.
He said he hoped that I wasn’t doing this for the “wrong” reason.
Then he added, “You know we won’t get back together…”
My heart felt that constriction of pain plus my anxiety for unprepared exam revision, I felt really sick.
Maybe like the aftermath of high levels of intoxication combined with the intake of a number of drugs.
“I would really appreciate if you could do me a favour and stop causing me grief. I have to sit for an exam in less than 3 hours.” I told the Old Boy.
So there we finally logged off.
Since then we must have only spoken online briefly once.
The longest time we have gone without speaking regularly, if not daily like how it used to be for the past year or so.
Last Friday we chatted briefly online.
He mentioned he has missed me.
Shit stirrer.
Counter productive conversation since he has set his mind to ditching me.
I have no time to reciprocate his words no matter how much I feel.
Best to suppress it than to live in any pathetic hope.
I know better. I cannot cope with any more crashed dreams and hopes.
Talk is cheap- his words pressing against my bruised heart.
I am mindful of his impending birthday.
Last week I psyched myself to ignore it at the last minute prior to late night Thursday shopping.
I was determined to cut him off my life.
Yesterday, I found myself wandering into shops looking for his present.
I was looking at shirts and imagining how he would look in them.
Then I turned my attention to his favourite CK boxers.
They had his size and there were a few nice designs that I would fancy seeing him dressed in and that I think he would like.
Inappropriate gift, too intimate, I figured.
Every time I listen to Dianna Krall sing that song that goes, “I’ll string along with you…”, I could so relate to how I feel for Old Boy.
Apologies for the crap post and my mind is again jumping from one thing to another.
Mind is heavy with serious thoughts about my next move.
Lots have happened within a short period of time.
I seriously don’t know where I would physically be in the next few months.
I want to write more about a Danish eye candy and my being asked for two dances by the two elderly gentlemen in an Octogenarian Swing night at the Green Dolphin Street. A jazz club in a city famous for it jazz in the United States.
Recently, I find my writing sounding monotone.
Kind of resembles my real life- if I am not high strung like a lune, I sound dull like a sedated lune…
Still- there is madness and too much clutter.
By the way, I have decided that pending what’s happening in the next few months with my career, I might be taking some time off. Would be spending some time in India to meditate.
Enough of my mental clutter. Enough of me.
Ok, more in a moment.
Tomorrow I have some battles to fight. Hopefully, I could gain more clarity in my life going forward.
Do wish me luck.
