Monday, May 26, 2008
Freedom
My new found freedom is something I need getting used to.
I have so many things to do I don't know where to start. Well, at least I have the luxury of time for once.
I spent my first day being a couch potato and a pig. I have months of laundry awaiting and all I did was dumped my undergarments in the washing machine that came up to half a basket full. You probably know by now that I am untidy and tardy as well. When I run out of normal panties to wear and need to turn to my g-strings and thongs which I seldom don since I never quite got over having a wedgie on a normal day, I know its a wake up call I do something about washing my underwear! You must know I have lots of it given that I have traditionally replaced my domestic laziness with retail therapy!
Again, old habits die hard. I had a late start and work up past ten o'clock. My day began with me turning on my laptop. Then I waited for V and the Old Boy to come online. So any plans to go to the gym, grocery shopping, clean up the house and properly plan my trip was temporarily shelved. I surfed the Internet mindlessly, added friends and ex-colleagues onto Facebook and basically whiled my entire day chatting with the Old Boy and sporadically with V between periods where she was home.
My mind wandered to the notion of habits. I haven't really any bad vices of sorts like smoking, habitual alcohol consumption or drugs but was beginning to gain an insight to the fact that humans are indeed habitual creatures for the most part. I found myself doing what I am wont to do without fail at home, even previously when I return from a tired day's work, I never missed switching on my laptop to go onto the Internet even if I had spent a good part of my day in the office surfing the net and chatting with my friends. I noted the weakness of my past resolutions- how I had all these grand plans of heading to the beaches, go to the gym, tidy up the house, read all the books I never had time to and all my planning prior to homecoming- they have simply gone down the drain today! No wonder people with addictions have quitting problems.
In between periods of no communication with my online companions as the Old Boy went for his first ciggie break and V was nowhere in sight, I sat on my couch and stared blankly into the sunny sky. It was a beautiful day on a late morning-the possibilities outdoor would have been infinite. Instead of carpe diem, I stared forlornly into the sky, a tsunami of thoughts assaulting my mind (as the cluttering of my mind has portentously programmed for it to happen) and the uncertain journey that lies ahead my life. I became aware that tears were streaming down my eyes.
I wiped my tears as quickly as they streamed down my cheeks. I quietly assured myself that things would change for the better. It was only the first day and I could slowly grow to be at peace, not always needing to keep myself busy and unclutter-the meditation in August would help. I just needed getting used to the notion of my new found freedom-of course, the mental struggle of clinging on to my past, my habits would naturally be so convenient. No, there is a better way to live- I would get there, just need so time to unclutter , loosen my grip and let go of some tightly held habits along the way... Mind over matter.
It has been a strange past one week for me. It has just dawned on me, like a form of enlightenment that life could be elsewhere- I could live without fear, anxiety and pain. In fact, it isn't normal for one to live like this. I always knew I haven't been well but I thought many people have a similar problem too. Maybe I did lose the plot somewhere along the way in my quest for victory in my life. I got myself really down and have surrounded myself with people who failed to inspire or add value to my well-being, especially in my work environment.
They still didn't get it-thinking I left because I have a passion for fashion and not because there was fundamentally wrong about my environment with them, my team. A close colleague and friend from another team mentioned that she never saw me smiled so hard at the farewell party. It was a part of me she has never saw. She didn't think I was so capable of looking this happy.
It made me think-yes, that shouldn't be the case.
Then there is my heart. I need to get out of my rut.
Today, I said to the Old Boy I couldn't be any happier not having to work and I have no more excuse to be unhappy. So I flagged at him to please do my a favour by not upsetting me with any of his words and I should be rocking.
To end our day, he did upset me, as usual. An innocent remark or question to re-focus our now “platonic friendship” and talk about happy, harmless plans would always be twisted to dig up and remind me of some past. I should never trust myself to be in contact with him.
I have grown sick and tired of myself to allow me to get affected and have given up confiding in anyone since I think by now V has tire from hearing about my self-inflicted masochistic stupidity and I would know the harsh prescription of her remedy. She is so right. I am just plain stupid.
Yeah, so I am still working on my emotional state of achieving peace, waiting for that emotional circuit breaker. I pray that the meditation will eventually help. I need to live life again and look for that “alpha” I do believe I will find to bring that spark to my being once more.
My new found freedom is something I need getting used to.
I have so many things to do I don't know where to start. Well, at least I have the luxury of time for once.
I spent my first day being a couch potato and a pig. I have months of laundry awaiting and all I did was dumped my undergarments in the washing machine that came up to half a basket full. You probably know by now that I am untidy and tardy as well. When I run out of normal panties to wear and need to turn to my g-strings and thongs which I seldom don since I never quite got over having a wedgie on a normal day, I know its a wake up call I do something about washing my underwear! You must know I have lots of it given that I have traditionally replaced my domestic laziness with retail therapy!
Again, old habits die hard. I had a late start and work up past ten o'clock. My day began with me turning on my laptop. Then I waited for V and the Old Boy to come online. So any plans to go to the gym, grocery shopping, clean up the house and properly plan my trip was temporarily shelved. I surfed the Internet mindlessly, added friends and ex-colleagues onto Facebook and basically whiled my entire day chatting with the Old Boy and sporadically with V between periods where she was home.
My mind wandered to the notion of habits. I haven't really any bad vices of sorts like smoking, habitual alcohol consumption or drugs but was beginning to gain an insight to the fact that humans are indeed habitual creatures for the most part. I found myself doing what I am wont to do without fail at home, even previously when I return from a tired day's work, I never missed switching on my laptop to go onto the Internet even if I had spent a good part of my day in the office surfing the net and chatting with my friends. I noted the weakness of my past resolutions- how I had all these grand plans of heading to the beaches, go to the gym, tidy up the house, read all the books I never had time to and all my planning prior to homecoming- they have simply gone down the drain today! No wonder people with addictions have quitting problems.
In between periods of no communication with my online companions as the Old Boy went for his first ciggie break and V was nowhere in sight, I sat on my couch and stared blankly into the sunny sky. It was a beautiful day on a late morning-the possibilities outdoor would have been infinite. Instead of carpe diem, I stared forlornly into the sky, a tsunami of thoughts assaulting my mind (as the cluttering of my mind has portentously programmed for it to happen) and the uncertain journey that lies ahead my life. I became aware that tears were streaming down my eyes.
I wiped my tears as quickly as they streamed down my cheeks. I quietly assured myself that things would change for the better. It was only the first day and I could slowly grow to be at peace, not always needing to keep myself busy and unclutter-the meditation in August would help. I just needed getting used to the notion of my new found freedom-of course, the mental struggle of clinging on to my past, my habits would naturally be so convenient. No, there is a better way to live- I would get there, just need so time to unclutter , loosen my grip and let go of some tightly held habits along the way... Mind over matter.
It has been a strange past one week for me. It has just dawned on me, like a form of enlightenment that life could be elsewhere- I could live without fear, anxiety and pain. In fact, it isn't normal for one to live like this. I always knew I haven't been well but I thought many people have a similar problem too. Maybe I did lose the plot somewhere along the way in my quest for victory in my life. I got myself really down and have surrounded myself with people who failed to inspire or add value to my well-being, especially in my work environment.
They still didn't get it-thinking I left because I have a passion for fashion and not because there was fundamentally wrong about my environment with them, my team. A close colleague and friend from another team mentioned that she never saw me smiled so hard at the farewell party. It was a part of me she has never saw. She didn't think I was so capable of looking this happy.
It made me think-yes, that shouldn't be the case.
Then there is my heart. I need to get out of my rut.
Today, I said to the Old Boy I couldn't be any happier not having to work and I have no more excuse to be unhappy. So I flagged at him to please do my a favour by not upsetting me with any of his words and I should be rocking.
To end our day, he did upset me, as usual. An innocent remark or question to re-focus our now “platonic friendship” and talk about happy, harmless plans would always be twisted to dig up and remind me of some past. I should never trust myself to be in contact with him.
I have grown sick and tired of myself to allow me to get affected and have given up confiding in anyone since I think by now V has tire from hearing about my self-inflicted masochistic stupidity and I would know the harsh prescription of her remedy. She is so right. I am just plain stupid.
Yeah, so I am still working on my emotional state of achieving peace, waiting for that emotional circuit breaker. I pray that the meditation will eventually help. I need to live life again and look for that “alpha” I do believe I will find to bring that spark to my being once more.
