Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Down
I am feeling really down at the moment. Again, I have fallen sick for the nth time this year. I am real sick from a cold virus and throat infection. I nearly fainted this morning from a pounding headache. My entire being is weak.
DL’s infected too. He’s now lying in bed, has turned in since 7pm. Fluffball is asleep next to him. The entire household is a dead silence.
I have slept the entire day away.
Yet another delay in my schedule.
I was supposed to be back in Sydney a week ago or was it two weeks ago- one day of nostalgia turned procrastination after another and then I fell sick last week so Sad Town I have remained here since.
******
I notice most lucidly at the moment that physical sickness has a way of getting my spirits down.
I mean suicidal down.
It’s scary.
My hormones feel like all over the place and I get emotional. My stuffy nose and sleepless nights has a way of stuffing up my brain too.
The past few nights I wonder how I would be able to make my pilgrimage in 2 months. What I propose to do is going to be arduous post my meditation retreat. Trekking more than 5000m in altitude is no joke. I have neither the stamina nor the lung power. I need to train up fast.
My poor health is not doing me any good and I have no control over my schedule. I am panicking.
******
Poor health equals weak mental resolutions.
In my state of unrest compounded by my pounding headache, he is in my head, like a persistent ghost.
I need to snap out of this. I cannot go on like this…
I love him, I love him, I love him…
But lost cause it is, lost cause. He never loved you.
Move on will you?
Maybe after the pilgrimage..
My soul desperately cries out in plea.
My body feels powerless and useless in fighting this perpetual struggle.
My heart finds every reason to falter and love him.
******
We’re not talking, I said.
Why? Josie asked.
We argued over a washing machine, I said.
That’s silly and childish, Josie said.
Yeah, I think so too. So old and still so childish. He said if I don’t apologise he won’t speak to me ever again.
He’s just an old kid.
I don’t think I am at fault. So I don’t want to make the first move.
Aiyoh.
But I miss him.
Then talk to him first. Life is too short to get into such petty arguments.
I guess so. Don’t know why Josie but I do love him very much. So maybe it’s for the best.
Huh? Do you mean “strong like”? “Love” is too strong a word.
Yes, I know. I use “love” very sparingly so I know what I say.
I thought you were just fooling around. He’s too laid back for you.
Well, he is laid back. But I still loved him. Anyways, he will have others to love him…
Huh? Many others? How many will fall for him?
It’s true but maybe not like me. Never mind.
I am feeling really down at the moment. Again, I have fallen sick for the nth time this year. I am real sick from a cold virus and throat infection. I nearly fainted this morning from a pounding headache. My entire being is weak.
DL’s infected too. He’s now lying in bed, has turned in since 7pm. Fluffball is asleep next to him. The entire household is a dead silence.
I have slept the entire day away.
Yet another delay in my schedule.
I was supposed to be back in Sydney a week ago or was it two weeks ago- one day of nostalgia turned procrastination after another and then I fell sick last week so Sad Town I have remained here since.
******
I notice most lucidly at the moment that physical sickness has a way of getting my spirits down.
I mean suicidal down.
It’s scary.
My hormones feel like all over the place and I get emotional. My stuffy nose and sleepless nights has a way of stuffing up my brain too.
The past few nights I wonder how I would be able to make my pilgrimage in 2 months. What I propose to do is going to be arduous post my meditation retreat. Trekking more than 5000m in altitude is no joke. I have neither the stamina nor the lung power. I need to train up fast.
My poor health is not doing me any good and I have no control over my schedule. I am panicking.
******
Poor health equals weak mental resolutions.
In my state of unrest compounded by my pounding headache, he is in my head, like a persistent ghost.
I need to snap out of this. I cannot go on like this…
I love him, I love him, I love him…
But lost cause it is, lost cause. He never loved you.
Move on will you?
Maybe after the pilgrimage..
My soul desperately cries out in plea.
My body feels powerless and useless in fighting this perpetual struggle.
My heart finds every reason to falter and love him.
******
We’re not talking, I said.
Why? Josie asked.
We argued over a washing machine, I said.
That’s silly and childish, Josie said.
Yeah, I think so too. So old and still so childish. He said if I don’t apologise he won’t speak to me ever again.
He’s just an old kid.
I don’t think I am at fault. So I don’t want to make the first move.
Aiyoh.
But I miss him.
Then talk to him first. Life is too short to get into such petty arguments.
I guess so. Don’t know why Josie but I do love him very much. So maybe it’s for the best.
Huh? Do you mean “strong like”? “Love” is too strong a word.
Yes, I know. I use “love” very sparingly so I know what I say.
I thought you were just fooling around. He’s too laid back for you.
Well, he is laid back. But I still loved him. Anyways, he will have others to love him…
Huh? Many others? How many will fall for him?
It’s true but maybe not like me. Never mind.
