Saturday, July 19, 2008
Girlfriends
Listen, you all! I don't enjoy heart palpitations or squeezes!
In fact, I have been spending some time trying to get my health and well being on track. My Chinese physician has mentioned that I have a weak heart. Physically, not emotionally, mind you!
I am getting really quite sick of feeling down and sick of myself.
I really can't go on like this. I am stuck in January 2008.
Now I feel like going for an intense jog and run hard for my life. Dispel that perpetual shadow that clings on strongly to the fibres of my emotions, which echoes continously, “ But I love him... I can't help it... I love him... I so very much love him... I don't know what to do... shit, what the fuck is wrong with me...Someone Up there please help me... I love him... I can't help it...”
I even detect his bare faced lies before me.
You must know that P's mind moves faster than a bullet hitting its target. Sharp and swift as a throat slitting knife. She hasn't yet lost her marbles, much as she wished she did at times.
I did not interrogate him as a fiesty P is wont to do.
I managed a weak smile- even after having been taken a fool. On me knowingly.
Condoner, I am.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
What the fucking fuck?
*****
I am grateful that I have best girlfriends like V and B.
I really do.
So there I was getting myself into a senseless emotional fix. Again, self-inflicted.
V came to my rescue.
I was out of my mind to forget that I have promised to spend the entire Friday evening with V, including dinner. Instead, I let the Old Boy take me out for dinner.
What was I thinking? I actually dissed my best friend.
Still, V was cool. She bought me drinks for the night. Then she proceeded to ask what was wrong with me and what was it that I have done when I forewarned her to refrain from scolding me prior to confession. I cannot keep anything from my best friends.
For the first time in my life, I committed the obvious mistake and even took care to avoid self- confession to my best friend until I have done the deed. It was beginning to spell a bad sign.
Thank goodness, I still experienced guilt, which means to say I haven't lost my self-awareness.
V took the story calmly and asked me sensible and logical questions to assist me in facing up to myself and reality. Still, my heart was getting the better of part of me where my pragmatic and cynical faculties have ceased to connect.
Why am I so stupid? I must have asked her a dozen times for the night both rhetorically and searching for an answer. This would be punctuated with my venting “urrghhhs” in out-of -the-blue mid-sentences, similar to the level of frustration and shame I experienced that typically led to my typical pillow bashing sessions at home.
Intervention, V proposed. V would make my decisions for me from now on, especially social ones suggested beyond 6pm since I am incapable of restraint or sound decision making. She continously drummed the two Chinese idioms in my head that somewhat translates literally into the following- “To chop the grass, you need to get rid of the root.” and “a good horse never returns to eat the grass it has previously passed.”
I was still useless all night.
But you know what?
Your best friends never give up on being there for you.
So thank you V for being there for me!
Listen, you all! I don't enjoy heart palpitations or squeezes!
In fact, I have been spending some time trying to get my health and well being on track. My Chinese physician has mentioned that I have a weak heart. Physically, not emotionally, mind you!
I am getting really quite sick of feeling down and sick of myself.
I really can't go on like this. I am stuck in January 2008.
Now I feel like going for an intense jog and run hard for my life. Dispel that perpetual shadow that clings on strongly to the fibres of my emotions, which echoes continously, “ But I love him... I can't help it... I love him... I so very much love him... I don't know what to do... shit, what the fuck is wrong with me...Someone Up there please help me... I love him... I can't help it...”
I even detect his bare faced lies before me.
You must know that P's mind moves faster than a bullet hitting its target. Sharp and swift as a throat slitting knife. She hasn't yet lost her marbles, much as she wished she did at times.
I did not interrogate him as a fiesty P is wont to do.
I managed a weak smile- even after having been taken a fool. On me knowingly.
Condoner, I am.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
What the fucking fuck?
*****
I am grateful that I have best girlfriends like V and B.
I really do.
So there I was getting myself into a senseless emotional fix. Again, self-inflicted.
V came to my rescue.
I was out of my mind to forget that I have promised to spend the entire Friday evening with V, including dinner. Instead, I let the Old Boy take me out for dinner.
What was I thinking? I actually dissed my best friend.
Still, V was cool. She bought me drinks for the night. Then she proceeded to ask what was wrong with me and what was it that I have done when I forewarned her to refrain from scolding me prior to confession. I cannot keep anything from my best friends.
For the first time in my life, I committed the obvious mistake and even took care to avoid self- confession to my best friend until I have done the deed. It was beginning to spell a bad sign.
Thank goodness, I still experienced guilt, which means to say I haven't lost my self-awareness.
V took the story calmly and asked me sensible and logical questions to assist me in facing up to myself and reality. Still, my heart was getting the better of part of me where my pragmatic and cynical faculties have ceased to connect.
Why am I so stupid? I must have asked her a dozen times for the night both rhetorically and searching for an answer. This would be punctuated with my venting “urrghhhs” in out-of -the-blue mid-sentences, similar to the level of frustration and shame I experienced that typically led to my typical pillow bashing sessions at home.
Intervention, V proposed. V would make my decisions for me from now on, especially social ones suggested beyond 6pm since I am incapable of restraint or sound decision making. She continously drummed the two Chinese idioms in my head that somewhat translates literally into the following- “To chop the grass, you need to get rid of the root.” and “a good horse never returns to eat the grass it has previously passed.”
I was still useless all night.
But you know what?
Your best friends never give up on being there for you.
So thank you V for being there for me!
