Restructure- on your own terms

Shadows

Busy, busy, busy I have been since my return to Sad Town. I foresee the same busy-ness over the course of the year ahead. As I have earlier said, I feel that P's life of 2008 is long over. I am already working on my 2009 and am swimming against the tide to make good of my new life.

Life has taken a new tempo. I fall sick a lot in Sad Town, what with the hay fever and then more. But my schedule does not permit for cock ups as such and I get pulled in many different directions, fighting fires and being posed with new challenges every half an hour...

*****

My mind still wanders down that memory lane where shadows of my emotional restlessnes and pain still linger. During those ten minutes of fighting to wake up from bed or before bed time, I find my nostalgic self thinking and reminiscing,

Moments of his tenderness I recall fondly and I hear the gentle, lyrical voice of his.

I remember my last Friday in Singapore where he drove to my house like a mad man from town and back, just to say ten minutes' worth of goodbye for the last time where my new life awaited and him back to what he knows best- double, polygamous life.

He had a busy week and intending to be harsh on myself to sever this part of my life, I asked him not to come. I took this as a sign for me to cut it off with him.

“How can I not come and say goodbye?” he said affectionately. He was in a frenzy as he got out of the car.

We spoke a few words, before I noticed how untimely came the arrival of the parking ticket lady. He was parking illegally on the double yellow line.

I hurried him to get back onto his car.

He hugged me. My body was tensed at this stage and I was numbed with resignation to fate.

Ah, this IS the goodbye.

Goodbye Old Boy, goodbye to my old life, goodbye 2008...

*****

I was crying for the entire week, little did he know. In fact, I was still wiping up my tears before I got out of my house to greet him on that Friday. It was so hard, so hard for me to let go. Maybe I have never loved like this in my life but I have a sense of complacency and am prone to take people for granted. In my own childish way, I loved him but I never understood jealousy so I thought that maybe if we just stuck to the script of non-exclusivity, we get away with infidelity. After all, who does infidelity better than us- we hold the bandits' trust- cheaters we have always been.

The human heart is a complex organ, if ever I have learnt anything from 2008. One could say something that precisely meant the opposite. Very often, the mind and the heart act in opposition to each other.

******
On my last week, he took me to a foot spa massage where we sat in a nice private room and chatted. He indicated that if I could stay in Singapore a bit longer, he would take me for a few more foot spa sessions. Right till the very last day as I was about to board the plane, he said to me firmly over the phone, “If things are not working out for you over there, come back immediately.”

There was also the one night the week before where he took me out to dinner and later more drinks and food with his old man friends. He was sweet to me as usual, gave me the good parts of meat, put on a bib around my neck to prevent my pretty pink dress from getting soiled as we dug our fingers into some saucy seafood and fed me at times. Likewise, I did the same for him, fussing around him, wiping up his dirty fingers and mouth as he tried his luck with sucking up the bone marrow juice of a goat. I felt he was pleased.

I have always been wilful towards him during my “hey days”. Perhaps so with the men that I have been for the most part- I always get serviced and pampered. In that sense, I have always been more of a taker than a giver. It was a first for me to be so compliant and virtuous. Sometimes I think DL must have spoilt me rotten all those years.

The Old Boy must have told me during that last dinner, “You know you are hard to love...”

DL recently concurred too that it takes a lot out of the person to stay with me.

******

During my time at the monastery, our teacher mentioned about the concept of regret. When one regrets one's actions, one has attained a certain self-awareness and will then be able to learn from one's mistakes and prevent it from recurring again.

In my headstrong and individualistic self, I never believe in regrets. Live and let live. I now suspect its the root of my errant life and hence my suffering.

The past two months post Nepal, I have done much soul searching. I must admit now that I do begin to understand the cause of my pain.

The shadows of my angst continues to re-surface because I now understand what regrets mean actually in one's heart.

Fuck the mechanical human logic and then there is my pride- the truth is I do regret. I regret about not living up to my supposed promise to the Old Boy when I told him I can't see why I would sleep with the Koran since I wasn't attracted to him there and then. I regret overlooking the intensity of the human heart and used my smart alec logic to rationalise within myself that my actions hold no true consequences to anyone but me and that people will be armour hurt proof from the actions I have wittingly or unwittingly inflicted upon them. The former is true and now I regret taking such a callous attitude with the latter.

I love the Old Boy so much and I regret now because I could have done it better for him (despite what other people would say about us- him a married man and me having no business to get myself emotionally involved).And most importantly, I regret now that I could have sealed the memory of our joint experience so much better if I didn't let my moment of weakness get me.

All my thwarted actions culminated to what, I ask myself repeatedly? Nothing but emptiness.

So now I do understand about regrets because in life, one doesn't always get a second chance. I am lucky with DL but I sure wasn't getting much luck with the Old Boy. I have learnt my lesson the hard way. One cannot always be getting the beginner's luck. Just like my Compulsive Gambler theory, stakes run high only when emotions run high. Now I know the pain of what it means to lose. I sure do now.

So there- the shadows of my bitter-sweet memories continue to haunt me There are nights where I feel the warm misty-ing of my eyes where my tears continue to fall uncontrollably. I bury my face in the pillow as my regrets continue to haunt me, knowing full well that there can be no remedy for me to put it right for him and me in this lifetime...

Maybe next life if karma willing and if you would give me a chance then... I promise then I would be all yours and love you with all my heart...