Thursday, March 12, 2009
Confession
“I think I need to see my psychologist again,” I confessed to DL suddenly. I was in the shower and he was seated on the toilet bowl taking a dump.
“OK, why don't you give him a call and make a trip down to Sydney? Or perhaps, we could look up a new one for you in Sad Town,” he replied.
That was as far as I could bring myself to let him into my thoughts.
*****
I have been feeling emotionally unbalanced of late.
My mind likes to wander and conjure up images that I haven't yet witnessed first hand but know they realistically exist. I become greatly disturbed.
I get really down without being able to speak to anyone about it. Just me and my thoughts. Big domino effect.
**
The Old Boy used to say I could be so ridiculous and imagined things that weren't there.I think too much and am paranoid.
Once in July when I first got back to Singapore, I went to the whisky bar with a friend. From the corner of my eye, I saw what I thought was him in a distance. Same coloured blue shirt, same shortness (and there aren't many men this short) and I was sure I heard his voice.
My friend paused for a bit and told me that the voice indeed sounded like the Old Boy's but in a distance and trying to be discreet, he wasn't sure if that man was my Old Boy. But I insisted it was.
The next day, I confronted the Old Boy online and he insisted it wasn't him and became mad with anger for my accusations for his ignoring me.
**
The other time, on one of our last meetings leading up to my return to Sad Town in October, again I pre-empted that our merging of dinner date with his friend, Uncle G was his way of not having to spend one to one time with me. We had planned the dinner the week before and on the day itself, he sprung a surprise that we will be joining Uncle G for dinner that night.
I was fuming and I figured he timed our dinner date such that it would be the day Uncle G arrived back from his holidays and that Uncle would have rang his best buddy up anyway to tell him all about it. In my detective, pre-emptive and ability to put two and two together mood, I was becoming really mad. So mad that I wanted to cancel my dinner with him and cut him out of my life for good since it might as well be then as I was about to head back to Australia. I told him if he missed Uncle G so much, he might as well have dinner with him.
The Old Boy saved the day eventually and asked if I wanted to have dinner still. He said he really didn't plan it and promised we would have our own dinner instead before we caught up with Uncle G. Later in the night during our lighter moods over a nice wholesome Peranakan dinner (as usual, I didn't break his bank account), the Old Boy said endearingly that I always imagined too much and become ridiculous. I think it was that night he said to me that you know you are hard to love and as we strolled along old Peranakan shophouses, he asked if it was true that I was going back with DL upon my return to Australia. As we walked into a short, dark alleyway as a thoroughfare, I wanted to hold him tightly and kissed the life out of him. But of course, I held myself back.
I realised that I have become a paranoid loon since I met the Old Boy.
*****
My sex life is virtually non-existent.
Concerned and (mainly) curious people have asked how my sex life have been.
One, two, three, four...
Four times since my return from Singapore.
I mentioned to DL my concern regarding our lack of carnal play.
He mentioned perhaps I could take more initiative sometimes, instead of him doing all the work.
He is right. I have always been a pro-active lover. Now my libido is close to zero.
In fact, its been slightly more than a year since I sucked a dick. The last was the Old Boy's in March.
My thoughts are the impediment to my actions or at least attempted actions to move forward.
*****
So how could I move on? I asked V the other day.
I could limit contact.
But I cannot cut out the voice or images in my head. Yes, maybe I could distract myself to other things when such moments arrived mentally.
But emotionally, how do I stop myself from feeling?
With time, V replied. It will heal everything.
It's no good telling yourself repeatedly that you love him.
******
Soci saw a psychologist for a number of years.
He told me one thing he learnt was that you got to forgive yourself.
Soci suggested I do the same for myself, then I could get a move on.
******
DL once told me that people with real depression sometimes do destructive things to themselves and feel that way without knowing why. But I do. So maybe it's not real depression after all.
He is right. I know the root of my so called depression.
(Sometimes I see DL as a wise sage-he sees through me but he lets me be. He can only be there to support me. Maybe this is what true love is all about.)
I am also reminded of Little C at work who is fast turning eighteen in two weeks. She told me she doesn't want to live her eighteenth year because she is sad. She has been put in a very financially compromising situation since she arrived in Australia and she has to work really hard to make ends meet. Then her family and friends have let her down too- life feels meaningless for her...
Her suicide convictions are very real because I understand her very well. Like me, she is an Aries with a very passionately angry temper. I see her mimicking my youth. I am trying to keep her alive as the clock ticks by.
No, I don't harbour anymore suicide thoughts. That's for starters.
I just need help to let go so that I could embrace fully my wonderful new life ahead.
Time to book into the psychologist yet again.
“I think I need to see my psychologist again,” I confessed to DL suddenly. I was in the shower and he was seated on the toilet bowl taking a dump.
“OK, why don't you give him a call and make a trip down to Sydney? Or perhaps, we could look up a new one for you in Sad Town,” he replied.
That was as far as I could bring myself to let him into my thoughts.
*****
I have been feeling emotionally unbalanced of late.
My mind likes to wander and conjure up images that I haven't yet witnessed first hand but know they realistically exist. I become greatly disturbed.
I get really down without being able to speak to anyone about it. Just me and my thoughts. Big domino effect.
**
The Old Boy used to say I could be so ridiculous and imagined things that weren't there.I think too much and am paranoid.
Once in July when I first got back to Singapore, I went to the whisky bar with a friend. From the corner of my eye, I saw what I thought was him in a distance. Same coloured blue shirt, same shortness (and there aren't many men this short) and I was sure I heard his voice.
My friend paused for a bit and told me that the voice indeed sounded like the Old Boy's but in a distance and trying to be discreet, he wasn't sure if that man was my Old Boy. But I insisted it was.
The next day, I confronted the Old Boy online and he insisted it wasn't him and became mad with anger for my accusations for his ignoring me.
**
The other time, on one of our last meetings leading up to my return to Sad Town in October, again I pre-empted that our merging of dinner date with his friend, Uncle G was his way of not having to spend one to one time with me. We had planned the dinner the week before and on the day itself, he sprung a surprise that we will be joining Uncle G for dinner that night.
I was fuming and I figured he timed our dinner date such that it would be the day Uncle G arrived back from his holidays and that Uncle would have rang his best buddy up anyway to tell him all about it. In my detective, pre-emptive and ability to put two and two together mood, I was becoming really mad. So mad that I wanted to cancel my dinner with him and cut him out of my life for good since it might as well be then as I was about to head back to Australia. I told him if he missed Uncle G so much, he might as well have dinner with him.
The Old Boy saved the day eventually and asked if I wanted to have dinner still. He said he really didn't plan it and promised we would have our own dinner instead before we caught up with Uncle G. Later in the night during our lighter moods over a nice wholesome Peranakan dinner (as usual, I didn't break his bank account), the Old Boy said endearingly that I always imagined too much and become ridiculous. I think it was that night he said to me that you know you are hard to love and as we strolled along old Peranakan shophouses, he asked if it was true that I was going back with DL upon my return to Australia. As we walked into a short, dark alleyway as a thoroughfare, I wanted to hold him tightly and kissed the life out of him. But of course, I held myself back.
I realised that I have become a paranoid loon since I met the Old Boy.
*****
My sex life is virtually non-existent.
Concerned and (mainly) curious people have asked how my sex life have been.
One, two, three, four...
Four times since my return from Singapore.
I mentioned to DL my concern regarding our lack of carnal play.
He mentioned perhaps I could take more initiative sometimes, instead of him doing all the work.
He is right. I have always been a pro-active lover. Now my libido is close to zero.
In fact, its been slightly more than a year since I sucked a dick. The last was the Old Boy's in March.
My thoughts are the impediment to my actions or at least attempted actions to move forward.
*****
So how could I move on? I asked V the other day.
I could limit contact.
But I cannot cut out the voice or images in my head. Yes, maybe I could distract myself to other things when such moments arrived mentally.
But emotionally, how do I stop myself from feeling?
With time, V replied. It will heal everything.
It's no good telling yourself repeatedly that you love him.
******
Soci saw a psychologist for a number of years.
He told me one thing he learnt was that you got to forgive yourself.
Soci suggested I do the same for myself, then I could get a move on.
******
DL once told me that people with real depression sometimes do destructive things to themselves and feel that way without knowing why. But I do. So maybe it's not real depression after all.
He is right. I know the root of my so called depression.
(Sometimes I see DL as a wise sage-he sees through me but he lets me be. He can only be there to support me. Maybe this is what true love is all about.)
I am also reminded of Little C at work who is fast turning eighteen in two weeks. She told me she doesn't want to live her eighteenth year because she is sad. She has been put in a very financially compromising situation since she arrived in Australia and she has to work really hard to make ends meet. Then her family and friends have let her down too- life feels meaningless for her...
Her suicide convictions are very real because I understand her very well. Like me, she is an Aries with a very passionately angry temper. I see her mimicking my youth. I am trying to keep her alive as the clock ticks by.
No, I don't harbour anymore suicide thoughts. That's for starters.
I just need help to let go so that I could embrace fully my wonderful new life ahead.
Time to book into the psychologist yet again.
