Friday, March 20, 2009
Dug Deeper
It's funny how for a long time I tried to skim past and bury the memories of joint experiences I had with a certain individual. More so out of guilt. Didn't feel deep enough for that person.
The other day, something got over me.
As I was letting go of my past with a certain other individual and beginning to make peace, within myself I found myself assaulted by memories and recollection of the other individual above. For a long time, the former individual was presented to my imagination as a forgotten memory best left untouched lest it undid the Pandora's Box that I have taken care not to exposed myself to. I didn't have room for this person or to care...
The other day, I felt that my conscience have caught up with me.
I recalled sad and vulnerable expressions that I chose to ignore. I remember chucking a mental and being a cold blanket even though the former individual must have been hurt by my words. Still, he hung close until as anyone would do, smarten up eventually. Most importantly from those expressions, I detect what could have been genuine good feelings or was it called affection that this individual was hoping I could feel from him. But I hardened and continued to shut one part of myself from him- that empathetic and compassionate side of me.
I now understand why people make decisions the way they do.
One part of us is tired of giving our hearts cold showers. Up to a point, one has got to smarten up right? Find a harbour, find an anchor point- where one knows will always have a place for one.
No matter what the others say, I did recall the expressions and I did remember my own deeds. One part of that dormant me is now awakening. For that, I do feel sorry. I have the memories to haunt and remind me. Callous, mean me.
But I didn't mean to be.
It's funny how for a long time I tried to skim past and bury the memories of joint experiences I had with a certain individual. More so out of guilt. Didn't feel deep enough for that person.
The other day, something got over me.
As I was letting go of my past with a certain other individual and beginning to make peace, within myself I found myself assaulted by memories and recollection of the other individual above. For a long time, the former individual was presented to my imagination as a forgotten memory best left untouched lest it undid the Pandora's Box that I have taken care not to exposed myself to. I didn't have room for this person or to care...
The other day, I felt that my conscience have caught up with me.
I recalled sad and vulnerable expressions that I chose to ignore. I remember chucking a mental and being a cold blanket even though the former individual must have been hurt by my words. Still, he hung close until as anyone would do, smarten up eventually. Most importantly from those expressions, I detect what could have been genuine good feelings or was it called affection that this individual was hoping I could feel from him. But I hardened and continued to shut one part of myself from him- that empathetic and compassionate side of me.
I now understand why people make decisions the way they do.
One part of us is tired of giving our hearts cold showers. Up to a point, one has got to smarten up right? Find a harbour, find an anchor point- where one knows will always have a place for one.
No matter what the others say, I did recall the expressions and I did remember my own deeds. One part of that dormant me is now awakening. For that, I do feel sorry. I have the memories to haunt and remind me. Callous, mean me.
But I didn't mean to be.
