Monday, March 16, 2009
Envy
I am rarely envious of others. Sometime in my youth, I have learnt or trained myself not to. Maybe it was after Mr. London- my sense of self confidence have leaped heaps and bounds. I stopped feeling I wasn't good enough for a boy. I don't know why-it wasn't bravado on my end but a real sense of self conviction. I don't feel I am too good for someone either- there's no mistaking about it.
I just feel indifferent to that point. So you see, I lack that emotional feeling of jealousy in most relationships. Well, until recently, the Old Boy did something to make me feel emotionally unbalanced and paranoid about other women in his life...
****
Recently, I have been feeling a sense of fuzziness by just learning about my friends' pregnant news or staring at baby pictures of my friends. Friends from high school or just close friends from the past.
Maybe I am really getting old and that innate maternal instincts are catching up.
But no, I don't feel like being a mother just yet, except to my dog.
****
The other day, I felt anger staring at the baby pics of the ex-boyfriend and his wife through her blog site that I found some one and half years ago. I guess I hated her to the core for underhandedly taking away what I thought was mine eons and eons ago. Though I am aware that it takes two hands to clap. It definitely didn't help that she had to purposely sought me out and told me in my face (unbeknownst to me for years post my break up with G) that she was “still” with him. Slap in my face she intended. So I shall remember her purposeful attempt at threading on my toes.
I found myself being bitter and angry that a bitch like her can be happy. She does not deserve it! Lowly fucking bitch.
****
Today, I found myself feeling envious in the most unlikely places.
I found him handsome and charming for once.On a photo. I never before when I had him.
Maybe forbidden fruit taste better. Well, since I have that history.
But I am hardly a bitch. At least, I never had intention to be one. Take someone else's property, that is. Somehow, it always landed at my feet. DL included.
Today, I found myself feeling envious. Envious that he is happy. She looked gorgeous. I could well have been her. Could have, would I have?
Always thought I was well and truly above it all. Me of all people to be envy? Come on, give me a break. P does not do envy or jealousy.
If I ever see him again and he looks like what I have just seen in the picture, I will pay him that courtesy of “You look swell.”
Just like how he did the last time when he told me I was looking good.
I am rarely envious of others. Sometime in my youth, I have learnt or trained myself not to. Maybe it was after Mr. London- my sense of self confidence have leaped heaps and bounds. I stopped feeling I wasn't good enough for a boy. I don't know why-it wasn't bravado on my end but a real sense of self conviction. I don't feel I am too good for someone either- there's no mistaking about it.
I just feel indifferent to that point. So you see, I lack that emotional feeling of jealousy in most relationships. Well, until recently, the Old Boy did something to make me feel emotionally unbalanced and paranoid about other women in his life...
****
Recently, I have been feeling a sense of fuzziness by just learning about my friends' pregnant news or staring at baby pictures of my friends. Friends from high school or just close friends from the past.
Maybe I am really getting old and that innate maternal instincts are catching up.
But no, I don't feel like being a mother just yet, except to my dog.
****
The other day, I felt anger staring at the baby pics of the ex-boyfriend and his wife through her blog site that I found some one and half years ago. I guess I hated her to the core for underhandedly taking away what I thought was mine eons and eons ago. Though I am aware that it takes two hands to clap. It definitely didn't help that she had to purposely sought me out and told me in my face (unbeknownst to me for years post my break up with G) that she was “still” with him. Slap in my face she intended. So I shall remember her purposeful attempt at threading on my toes.
I found myself being bitter and angry that a bitch like her can be happy. She does not deserve it! Lowly fucking bitch.
****
Today, I found myself feeling envious in the most unlikely places.
I found him handsome and charming for once.On a photo. I never before when I had him.
Maybe forbidden fruit taste better. Well, since I have that history.
But I am hardly a bitch. At least, I never had intention to be one. Take someone else's property, that is. Somehow, it always landed at my feet. DL included.
Today, I found myself feeling envious. Envious that he is happy. She looked gorgeous. I could well have been her. Could have, would I have?
Always thought I was well and truly above it all. Me of all people to be envy? Come on, give me a break. P does not do envy or jealousy.
If I ever see him again and he looks like what I have just seen in the picture, I will pay him that courtesy of “You look swell.”
Just like how he did the last time when he told me I was looking good.
