Thursday, May 28, 2009
Non-Committal
How many times can one take a betrayal to get a heartbreak?
Readers out there, perhaps you can proffer me with some answers.
You see, for a long time, I have been living in outer space.
How many more times will you hide things from me and continue with your behaviour to get it that you are hurting me? Do you want me to kill myself before you will stop? Why do you have to come back if you were not ready?
I have never seen a more broken hearted man.
Me, causing a big man to break down and cry.
He has always been a family man for as long as I know him and how he had looked forward to my return. But he sensed I was a different person pre-occupied in my own private and faraway thoughts.
He felt he could never get to me. After almost nine years, he felt he has never quite fathom me.
That is why I could never marry you now.
A distress call and a plea for help in the wee hours of the morning. His emotions stirred from some previous guy talk and enough alcohol for him to reveal his thoughts.
He has been getting sadder and sadder with time, little I realised for he has always been a sensitive man. He keeps his feelings closed to his heart and took whatever he could- allowing me time to heal and seek my own happiness, doing whatever I pleased whilst he keeps two jobs to feed an emotionally unsound, self-indulgent loon like me. I have friends to seek refuge and confide in whilst he has none that he trusted enough to speak to. Fluffball has always been his main source of comfort.
Numb I was. I don't know why.
Why do I have the privilege to be un-feeling when I was the betrayer who got caught out with all my suggestive online sweet nothings?
Third time over. I hurt him. I kept him. I left him. I hurt him. I came back to him. I continue hurting him.
I let him make the decision what he wanted to do next in his life after he made me re-tell my entire life story.
I was calm.
I have everything to lose. No career, not a cent in my bank and most importantly, no alternative roof over my head in Sad Town.
I hate you. Why must I always be the one making the decision? Why don't you ever want to make any decision?
He was crying hard. That expression of plea for me to have a heart and think for him. He wanted me to say yes, I am sorry and yes, I want us together.
He wanted to find another excuse to take me back. One more time.
*****
I have always prided myself to be decisive.
I just realised my problem. I lack commitment. Or more precisely, I like being non committal. I grew up having a fear of responsibility. Middle kid syndrome plus the elder sibling has always been the safe pair of hands.
Then I always grow up with a mum who taught us to keep our options open when we were younger. And true to the letter I did, too much for my own good perhaps and I suspect my mum is also disapproving it for me.
I also have that nasty desire to tempt fate. My curiousity of life. What will action A lead to? Then how about B or C?
I always think I am smart enough to win at a near impossible situation.
But with the heart, I realise one couldn't be too smart about things and focus on winning.
******
During the confrontation, I was numb.
Suddenly, it felt like a part of my brain got connected and I was reminded of a similar situation (with lesser far reaching consequences) that highlighted the recurring theme of my being non-committal in life.
I remember how after my betrayal to the Old Boy for shagging the Koran, the Old Boy did forgive me and was quick to do so.
Again, I thought I could get away with murder. Or rather betrayal, which is just as grievous, Except yours truly never give much thought to the far reaching implications when emotions are involved. In her warped mind, yours truly thinks that to own up to one's actions meant the passport to continue in self-indulgence.
A few times, the Old Boy tried asking leading questions on whether sex was forced on me by the Koran, hoping for an answer yes perhaps to mitigate in part his own emotional barrier for forgiving an audacious and obnoxious person like me who showed little remorse initially. After all, though ironically enough, he was one who never takes chances with a female who has betrayed him. To stir his old heart yet again.
Then came March 2008 when I was due to head back home to Singapore. The Old Boy asked again if I would sleep with anyone. To which, I tried to avoid the question by saying I wasn't seeing anyone in Ozland. He had little choice but to ask directly by bringing up the Koran's name. Still, I could say to him no, I won't.I couldn't verbally affirm my commitment. I saw it as a trap. I didn't want to break a promise, mainly because I didn't know if I could fulfil it. And it was simply because I was faithless. Faithless that by me saying yes, the Old Boy would indeed resume things with me. What if I did and he didn't want to be with me? I felt I would be a fool.
And fool I was for rationalising with my head and not using my heart.
Then it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Old Boy says:
and you get upset when i lie to you...but you did the biggest lie of all
P says:
I told u the truth when u asked- I wd have told u too when u come back from dubai
P says:
it wasnt a lie
Old Boy says:
nope...you lied about the promise
Old Boy says:
that's a truly sacred thing to me
............
Old Boy says:
ok....just thinking that i could change the story so that we could have sex again...just giving you an avenue out...sun tze art of war...
P says:
xiao (I.e. Crazy)
Old Boy says:
if you said he forced or coerced a little....i would have given in
P says:
not force that way
Old Boy says:
and taken you back...becos i miss the great sex we had! : P
Old Boy says:
(and thinking about it now...i am fcuking getting a hard on)
Old Boy says:
(thinking of you sticking your little dildo up my ass...was definitely a major fcuking turnon darling)\
P says:
I won't incriminate him that way but its not particularly like I was damn on
.........................
Old Boy says:
everytime i try to forgive you....
P says:
u are making me cry again
Old Boy says:
i just can't
.........................
Old Boy says:
i am really trying hard to forgive you and to take you back so that we can relive those great times in bed
Old Boy says:
the 360 experience
*******
Quarantine is what I have done to myself stop my imagination and curiosity to get the better of me. Stop thinking, stop fantasizing, stop acting and stop hurting others...
These days, if I am not committed to working on business plans, I spend my day napping away the afternoon committing to slumber and temporary mental respite.
How many times can one take a betrayal to get a heartbreak?
Readers out there, perhaps you can proffer me with some answers.
You see, for a long time, I have been living in outer space.
How many more times will you hide things from me and continue with your behaviour to get it that you are hurting me? Do you want me to kill myself before you will stop? Why do you have to come back if you were not ready?
I have never seen a more broken hearted man.
Me, causing a big man to break down and cry.
He has always been a family man for as long as I know him and how he had looked forward to my return. But he sensed I was a different person pre-occupied in my own private and faraway thoughts.
He felt he could never get to me. After almost nine years, he felt he has never quite fathom me.
That is why I could never marry you now.
A distress call and a plea for help in the wee hours of the morning. His emotions stirred from some previous guy talk and enough alcohol for him to reveal his thoughts.
He has been getting sadder and sadder with time, little I realised for he has always been a sensitive man. He keeps his feelings closed to his heart and took whatever he could- allowing me time to heal and seek my own happiness, doing whatever I pleased whilst he keeps two jobs to feed an emotionally unsound, self-indulgent loon like me. I have friends to seek refuge and confide in whilst he has none that he trusted enough to speak to. Fluffball has always been his main source of comfort.
Numb I was. I don't know why.
Why do I have the privilege to be un-feeling when I was the betrayer who got caught out with all my suggestive online sweet nothings?
Third time over. I hurt him. I kept him. I left him. I hurt him. I came back to him. I continue hurting him.
I let him make the decision what he wanted to do next in his life after he made me re-tell my entire life story.
I was calm.
I have everything to lose. No career, not a cent in my bank and most importantly, no alternative roof over my head in Sad Town.
I hate you. Why must I always be the one making the decision? Why don't you ever want to make any decision?
He was crying hard. That expression of plea for me to have a heart and think for him. He wanted me to say yes, I am sorry and yes, I want us together.
He wanted to find another excuse to take me back. One more time.
*****
I have always prided myself to be decisive.
I just realised my problem. I lack commitment. Or more precisely, I like being non committal. I grew up having a fear of responsibility. Middle kid syndrome plus the elder sibling has always been the safe pair of hands.
Then I always grow up with a mum who taught us to keep our options open when we were younger. And true to the letter I did, too much for my own good perhaps and I suspect my mum is also disapproving it for me.
I also have that nasty desire to tempt fate. My curiousity of life. What will action A lead to? Then how about B or C?
I always think I am smart enough to win at a near impossible situation.
But with the heart, I realise one couldn't be too smart about things and focus on winning.
******
During the confrontation, I was numb.
Suddenly, it felt like a part of my brain got connected and I was reminded of a similar situation (with lesser far reaching consequences) that highlighted the recurring theme of my being non-committal in life.
I remember how after my betrayal to the Old Boy for shagging the Koran, the Old Boy did forgive me and was quick to do so.
Again, I thought I could get away with murder. Or rather betrayal, which is just as grievous, Except yours truly never give much thought to the far reaching implications when emotions are involved. In her warped mind, yours truly thinks that to own up to one's actions meant the passport to continue in self-indulgence.
A few times, the Old Boy tried asking leading questions on whether sex was forced on me by the Koran, hoping for an answer yes perhaps to mitigate in part his own emotional barrier for forgiving an audacious and obnoxious person like me who showed little remorse initially. After all, though ironically enough, he was one who never takes chances with a female who has betrayed him. To stir his old heart yet again.
Then came March 2008 when I was due to head back home to Singapore. The Old Boy asked again if I would sleep with anyone. To which, I tried to avoid the question by saying I wasn't seeing anyone in Ozland. He had little choice but to ask directly by bringing up the Koran's name. Still, I could say to him no, I won't.I couldn't verbally affirm my commitment. I saw it as a trap. I didn't want to break a promise, mainly because I didn't know if I could fulfil it. And it was simply because I was faithless. Faithless that by me saying yes, the Old Boy would indeed resume things with me. What if I did and he didn't want to be with me? I felt I would be a fool.
And fool I was for rationalising with my head and not using my heart.
Then it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Old Boy says:
and you get upset when i lie to you...but you did the biggest lie of all
P says:
I told u the truth when u asked- I wd have told u too when u come back from dubai
P says:
it wasnt a lie
Old Boy says:
nope...you lied about the promise
Old Boy says:
that's a truly sacred thing to me
............
Old Boy says:
ok....just thinking that i could change the story so that we could have sex again...just giving you an avenue out...sun tze art of war...
P says:
xiao (I.e. Crazy)
Old Boy says:
if you said he forced or coerced a little....i would have given in
P says:
not force that way
Old Boy says:
and taken you back...becos i miss the great sex we had! : P
Old Boy says:
(and thinking about it now...i am fcuking getting a hard on)
Old Boy says:
(thinking of you sticking your little dildo up my ass...was definitely a major fcuking turnon darling)\
P says:
I won't incriminate him that way but its not particularly like I was damn on
.........................
Old Boy says:
everytime i try to forgive you....
P says:
u are making me cry again
Old Boy says:
i just can't
.........................
Old Boy says:
i am really trying hard to forgive you and to take you back so that we can relive those great times in bed
Old Boy says:
the 360 experience
*******
Quarantine is what I have done to myself stop my imagination and curiosity to get the better of me. Stop thinking, stop fantasizing, stop acting and stop hurting others...
These days, if I am not committed to working on business plans, I spend my day napping away the afternoon committing to slumber and temporary mental respite.
