Tuesday, May 19, 2009
On a Quiet Afternoon...
after DL returns back to work from lunch and I have no Daisy to come and distract me, I often find that sinking feeling in my heart once more... that inextricable feeling of helplessness that comes to grip me once more.
I find myself lying down, like I want to sleep my time away and forget it all, maybe forget myself , that deep dissatisfaction that rises and falls within me like a rolling wave. I ask myself why I should feel this way and how I have become this state of self indulgence I have been for the longest time...
Sometimes, I thought it has ceased for good. My love from and for DL in this safe little haven in Sad Town I call home is hardy enough to shield me from it all. The usual weekend supper club gang have even planned for a joint couples holiday to Japan next year. I suggested it and everyone was keen and excited and me too since for once, I bother to plan a group holiday and do what contented family type people do, instead of taking off yet again alone once more...
Today, I feel empty yet again. The reverberations of my unsettled mind rattles my composure. Every so often, I feel that hard squeeze when I so allow a mere shadow of a memory disturb me. These days, I am better at controlling my thoughts. I stop fantasizing because I am always afraid where my imagination would lead me in my real life and the consequences thereafter. And then I stop having Hope...
On a quiet afternoon, I am unfocused and depressed once again. In the past, I sought refuge from my laptop, cyberspace and words. But for the past week, I am afraid and resilient to the liberal use of this device and entering the virtual world with my persona, P. Cold comfort, it was.
Now there is none. Busted, I was. My past spilled over to my current life. Being the man I have designated to be the love of my life, he knows or rather, senses me well. Except, it is all happening in my head, little could he empathise with. So one by one, my past caught up with me and so were the identities of the various individuals that has thematically summed up the shady contents of my cyber alleyway. Again, his magnimity from the intensity of his love for me found a good reason for forgiveness. I am spared. I am grateful. I am numb.
*****
I remember a time when I so wanted to end my life.
I was numb too.
Good news is I have no desire to end my life now. A different numbness I feel.
Just immune to bareness. Fully exposed in full view.
What fun is there in hide and seek?
*****
I have always been for the destination growing up. Always wanting to getaway from a moment in time. Always feeling trapped and the need to move on to something else.
Impatient I am.
Always waiting for a reaction or to test a reaction. Or observe the different possible permutations and combinations of outcomes of how an action in Situation A could possibly result in Outcome B, C, D or more.
Curious I am.
I find that for a long time I have used my own life as one big social experimentation. A big part of the events and my experiences have been a result of my insatiable fixation on perfection and so unwittingly I try to search for answers and perhaps questions only meaningful to myself. Except what exactly is it that is meaningful?
“Dysthymia” is a new found word I learnt recently. Somehow I think this is the answer to my quest for it.
****
Recently, in my sad, sad state lying in bed post a major meltdown with DL, I started to experience in my mind technicolour visions of fashion creations.
A week and a half ago.
Now I better take out my visual diary and start sketching.
after DL returns back to work from lunch and I have no Daisy to come and distract me, I often find that sinking feeling in my heart once more... that inextricable feeling of helplessness that comes to grip me once more.
I find myself lying down, like I want to sleep my time away and forget it all, maybe forget myself , that deep dissatisfaction that rises and falls within me like a rolling wave. I ask myself why I should feel this way and how I have become this state of self indulgence I have been for the longest time...
Sometimes, I thought it has ceased for good. My love from and for DL in this safe little haven in Sad Town I call home is hardy enough to shield me from it all. The usual weekend supper club gang have even planned for a joint couples holiday to Japan next year. I suggested it and everyone was keen and excited and me too since for once, I bother to plan a group holiday and do what contented family type people do, instead of taking off yet again alone once more...
Today, I feel empty yet again. The reverberations of my unsettled mind rattles my composure. Every so often, I feel that hard squeeze when I so allow a mere shadow of a memory disturb me. These days, I am better at controlling my thoughts. I stop fantasizing because I am always afraid where my imagination would lead me in my real life and the consequences thereafter. And then I stop having Hope...
On a quiet afternoon, I am unfocused and depressed once again. In the past, I sought refuge from my laptop, cyberspace and words. But for the past week, I am afraid and resilient to the liberal use of this device and entering the virtual world with my persona, P. Cold comfort, it was.
Now there is none. Busted, I was. My past spilled over to my current life. Being the man I have designated to be the love of my life, he knows or rather, senses me well. Except, it is all happening in my head, little could he empathise with. So one by one, my past caught up with me and so were the identities of the various individuals that has thematically summed up the shady contents of my cyber alleyway. Again, his magnimity from the intensity of his love for me found a good reason for forgiveness. I am spared. I am grateful. I am numb.
*****
I remember a time when I so wanted to end my life.
I was numb too.
Good news is I have no desire to end my life now. A different numbness I feel.
Just immune to bareness. Fully exposed in full view.
What fun is there in hide and seek?
*****
I have always been for the destination growing up. Always wanting to getaway from a moment in time. Always feeling trapped and the need to move on to something else.
Impatient I am.
Always waiting for a reaction or to test a reaction. Or observe the different possible permutations and combinations of outcomes of how an action in Situation A could possibly result in Outcome B, C, D or more.
Curious I am.
I find that for a long time I have used my own life as one big social experimentation. A big part of the events and my experiences have been a result of my insatiable fixation on perfection and so unwittingly I try to search for answers and perhaps questions only meaningful to myself. Except what exactly is it that is meaningful?
“Dysthymia” is a new found word I learnt recently. Somehow I think this is the answer to my quest for it.
****
Recently, in my sad, sad state lying in bed post a major meltdown with DL, I started to experience in my mind technicolour visions of fashion creations.
A week and a half ago.
Now I better take out my visual diary and start sketching.
