Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sex Drive
"I don't think you have very high sex drive," Intense commented.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"I get the sense that you always get sought out by the guys first."
"But I do need to take accountability, don't I for the act to happen?"
"But you don't initiate it right?"
"Sometimes I do. But you are right. I don't have very high sex drive, I think.
When did you begin to suspect- after you met me or even when you are reading my blog?"
"Both but after I met you, it further confirms it..."
"You know I had a peep at your red painted toes when we first met. And when I unzip your dress to put that heat pack rub for you, I was getting so turned on!"
"Were you? If I noted a hard on, I would have been so embarrassed or I would just take flight!"
"Would you? Well, don't worry I could control myself better!"
"Oh good!"
"I do feel bad now thinking of you that way now that you are my friend. But you do turn me on!"
"But I have done nothing, have I?"
"Nope. It's just me and I know whey guys are turned on by you."
"Why?"
"It's just the way you are."
"But can you tell me if I have behaved in anyway to encourage it?"
"Not really, but I just want you."
"Crazy! But I don't want you."
"And you would never want me right?"
"No, I am just not sexually attracted to you. Or for most people, really."
"I am just not your type right?"
"Nope. Look you have your fetish for toes, I have mine. They happen to be older men or fat white men with power."
"What about OB (old boy)?"
"He was my friend."
"I am your friend too."
"Yup but he is my best friend. He knows my deep dark secrets."
"Like what?"
"They are my secrets. I am not telling you."
"That's why I enjoy being with him. I love him."
"OK. But I still want you. But I know not a chance."
"Yup, too right. Maybe in your fantasy, Intense!;)"
*****
Intense is right. I don't have much of a sex drive. I notice that so especially when I am emotionally stable, like now. In my manic state, I drown in sex and even then mostly, it was passion-less and lustless. I was like playing actress to my audience, which is the said partner I was copulating with.
In my mind, sex is sex. Fuck and chuck. Pump and dump. The Old Boy mentioned in one of our very first rendezvous that he got the feeling like I wanted to do it with him for the sake of sex, not because I had feelings for him. Maybe that was why he felt somewhat insecure and lacking in confidence, feeling the need to please me constantly. But with time, I did love him and more accepting of our carnal rhythm and we became more in sync.
But I do recall a time where I was so curious and excited about sex- mainly with DL in my youth- and what sex meant for me as a rite of passage to being grown up and all the naive, rosy ideas you have of being an adult and being your own woman.
Hopefully, I could find that again in my life because right now I feel like a whithering flower.
I am barely thirty.
"I don't think you have very high sex drive," Intense commented.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"I get the sense that you always get sought out by the guys first."
"But I do need to take accountability, don't I for the act to happen?"
"But you don't initiate it right?"
"Sometimes I do. But you are right. I don't have very high sex drive, I think.
When did you begin to suspect- after you met me or even when you are reading my blog?"
"Both but after I met you, it further confirms it..."
"You know I had a peep at your red painted toes when we first met. And when I unzip your dress to put that heat pack rub for you, I was getting so turned on!"
"Were you? If I noted a hard on, I would have been so embarrassed or I would just take flight!"
"Would you? Well, don't worry I could control myself better!"
"Oh good!"
"I do feel bad now thinking of you that way now that you are my friend. But you do turn me on!"
"But I have done nothing, have I?"
"Nope. It's just me and I know whey guys are turned on by you."
"Why?"
"It's just the way you are."
"But can you tell me if I have behaved in anyway to encourage it?"
"Not really, but I just want you."
"Crazy! But I don't want you."
"And you would never want me right?"
"No, I am just not sexually attracted to you. Or for most people, really."
"I am just not your type right?"
"Nope. Look you have your fetish for toes, I have mine. They happen to be older men or fat white men with power."
"What about OB (old boy)?"
"He was my friend."
"I am your friend too."
"Yup but he is my best friend. He knows my deep dark secrets."
"Like what?"
"They are my secrets. I am not telling you."
"That's why I enjoy being with him. I love him."
"OK. But I still want you. But I know not a chance."
"Yup, too right. Maybe in your fantasy, Intense!;)"
*****
Intense is right. I don't have much of a sex drive. I notice that so especially when I am emotionally stable, like now. In my manic state, I drown in sex and even then mostly, it was passion-less and lustless. I was like playing actress to my audience, which is the said partner I was copulating with.
In my mind, sex is sex. Fuck and chuck. Pump and dump. The Old Boy mentioned in one of our very first rendezvous that he got the feeling like I wanted to do it with him for the sake of sex, not because I had feelings for him. Maybe that was why he felt somewhat insecure and lacking in confidence, feeling the need to please me constantly. But with time, I did love him and more accepting of our carnal rhythm and we became more in sync.
But I do recall a time where I was so curious and excited about sex- mainly with DL in my youth- and what sex meant for me as a rite of passage to being grown up and all the naive, rosy ideas you have of being an adult and being your own woman.
Hopefully, I could find that again in my life because right now I feel like a whithering flower.
I am barely thirty.
