Wednesday, March 31, 2010
It's been awhile...
since yours truly have the notion of dying...
or even feeling that unbearable anxiety in me rising, the heart palpitations and the tormenting heart squeezes that sent me to thoughts of suicide.
I must say, it's been a while.
But today (I think it is today or maybe yesterday or maybe the day before yesterday on my birthday- I can't remember cos my days are getting longer), I felt the slow rising of my anxiety...
It started off dully, lurking at the back of my mind. Then I felt it slowly rising in my chest.
Today, I felt like I have enough of my business. Most importantly, my cash flow problems.
I mean I am so fucking over it!
I felt that unbearable feeling coming over me in the car. I glanced sideways at DL as he drove on. We were on the way to my sales presentation.
Then it dawned on me that this must be how he has been feeling for the past 6 months or so.
I held my breath for a split second and slowly exhale, careful not to dwell too much on my at-that-moment feeling for if I did, both DL and I would go down. His morale has been low enough lately. We don't need to fan each other's misery up.
My phone has been ringing with automatic messages from the bank to pay despite having done so. My debts seemed to follow me like a curse... then there's more to come. DL went to thue letterbox and received 2 credit card bills- he informed me that the 2 cards are busted.
What's new, I thought.
Then there is the other part of me that is bubbling with excitment within me. I have got news that Sad Town is setting up a shop for independent designers to sell their handmade creations and they could lease a space as little as $20/week. I can hardly sleep thinking about it.
I told DL, Daisy and anyone who cared to hear about it.
I mean, I am truly excited!
Each time I sit at my studio, I get this sense of excitment I never experienced in my life except when I was in Paris.
I wonder what I have done to DL and me?
We could have used the $300,000 we invested in this business for a restaurant and then for my fashion creations and still have leftover.
It shits me but I am shutting my mouth up.
No point lamenting because it is going to get DL down- he has been very angry lately and I have been trying to be positive whenever he mentioned about the restaurant that we should have set up, not this lousy business that is taking a toil on us physically, mentally and emotionally. And DL is hardly the type of person who talks in the "could have, should have, would have" tenses. It sounds more like me. All I could do is to focus on the future or what we would like to make it out to be.
Or we could have paid up a fair bit of a mortgage for that one bedroom house in the dress circle location of Sad Town that was going for cheap. And I could still have taken up a humble retail job and life could still have been great.
The choices we make- now there is no way but to keep peservering on, only we are running out if cash and steam and for once, I am feeling what DL has been feeling- it's time to get out...
since yours truly have the notion of dying...
or even feeling that unbearable anxiety in me rising, the heart palpitations and the tormenting heart squeezes that sent me to thoughts of suicide.
I must say, it's been a while.
But today (I think it is today or maybe yesterday or maybe the day before yesterday on my birthday- I can't remember cos my days are getting longer), I felt the slow rising of my anxiety...
It started off dully, lurking at the back of my mind. Then I felt it slowly rising in my chest.
Today, I felt like I have enough of my business. Most importantly, my cash flow problems.
I mean I am so fucking over it!
I felt that unbearable feeling coming over me in the car. I glanced sideways at DL as he drove on. We were on the way to my sales presentation.
Then it dawned on me that this must be how he has been feeling for the past 6 months or so.
I held my breath for a split second and slowly exhale, careful not to dwell too much on my at-that-moment feeling for if I did, both DL and I would go down. His morale has been low enough lately. We don't need to fan each other's misery up.
My phone has been ringing with automatic messages from the bank to pay despite having done so. My debts seemed to follow me like a curse... then there's more to come. DL went to thue letterbox and received 2 credit card bills- he informed me that the 2 cards are busted.
What's new, I thought.
Then there is the other part of me that is bubbling with excitment within me. I have got news that Sad Town is setting up a shop for independent designers to sell their handmade creations and they could lease a space as little as $20/week. I can hardly sleep thinking about it.
I told DL, Daisy and anyone who cared to hear about it.
I mean, I am truly excited!
Each time I sit at my studio, I get this sense of excitment I never experienced in my life except when I was in Paris.
I wonder what I have done to DL and me?
We could have used the $300,000 we invested in this business for a restaurant and then for my fashion creations and still have leftover.
It shits me but I am shutting my mouth up.
No point lamenting because it is going to get DL down- he has been very angry lately and I have been trying to be positive whenever he mentioned about the restaurant that we should have set up, not this lousy business that is taking a toil on us physically, mentally and emotionally. And DL is hardly the type of person who talks in the "could have, should have, would have" tenses. It sounds more like me. All I could do is to focus on the future or what we would like to make it out to be.
Or we could have paid up a fair bit of a mortgage for that one bedroom house in the dress circle location of Sad Town that was going for cheap. And I could still have taken up a humble retail job and life could still have been great.
The choices we make- now there is no way but to keep peservering on, only we are running out if cash and steam and for once, I am feeling what DL has been feeling- it's time to get out...
