Restructure- on your own terms

Been Thinking...

about the notion of growing up...

So my memory of my childhood spanned back to when I was three... I have one vague memory of myself at Yamaha Kindergarten where the older sibling was studying Kindergarten One and I was there with Mum to pick her up. I was not old enough to attend school.

By four years old, I started my first crush on an unknown boy on my school bus. He was a year older than me and had a bald head (Funny Daisy likes to tease me about my "fetish" with bald headed guys-DL is bald too).

Then I recall primary school and my pre-Monday blues. I developed boy blues since I was 10- I liked this really smart boy in class for two years whom coincidentally was a buddy of Mr. London (another boy I had a crush for 8 years since 17 and subtly shaped my mentality and my self esteem in my young aduult years) in the army.

Then there is DL whom I met when I was 21- I literally had to struggle to grow up and attend to adult, financial responsibilities.

Just had a look through Facebook and spotted Random George on my Friends list. Random George was some guy whom I had a most random one night stand with in Paris when I was high as a kite from a combination of alcohol and weed. He went to school with M in Santiago. Random George and Nano have the same air of aloofness and they both look quite alike- I mean, really alike though I must admit I am partial to Nano. Both hail from old mega wealth traditional backgrounds from the old Colonial Spanish world, one in Chile and the other from Philippines. One's family made their fortunes from investment banking and the other from property development. They both had the same addictive personalities to vices of alcohol and drugs (marijuana for George and nicotine for Nano)and appear quietly uptight with a typical first child and son syndrome, both who are well aware of their responsibilites to come in their adult years as heirs to mega multi-million business empire. They both also displayed avidness in reading of classic literature but as expected, kept abreast of the latest financial news. Random George had even subscribed to the Financial Times whilst living in his rented apartment in Le Marais as an exchange student in Paris.

I notice I have a tendency to attract or be attracted to guys who are the oldest son of sons. Even the Old Boy is the older son of 2 boys who also came from the old wealth variety and could have been handled the silver platter to continue his father's legacy in construction. Alas, he lacked ambition and drive. I gathered it was a result of too much hand holding and love from a good natured mum.

Maybe it's the typical recklessness as a middle child that made me particularly attractive to the typically uptight first child.

But I reckon I get along best with boys who are the youngest in their family. They tend to be less uptight and display a keen-ness to "take care" of the opposite sex and being a middle kid who is used to be both an older and younger sibling, I love having the best of both worlds.

Then there are girlfriends- the most important people enlisted in my circle of trust. Some girlfriends come and go and some stay on and you know you have them as friends for life. Being a girly girl, I treasure my one on one time with my girlfriends be it stayovers, drinks, shopping and merry making. When that happen, the boys can wait. I cherish the girlish pacts we make about being god mums to our future newborns and what not...

So I grew up thinking girlfriends would remember things as lucidly as I do. But then I also learn that I needed to modify that because no matter how close friends could be, they might grow out of some things. Their newly made family may take precedence, they forgot the promises they made in bestowing you with the honour of becoming their children's godmother and that you take that up seriously because you would not treat a thing like this lightly since you would expect your own child to have who you think would be the best god mother. You learn to let go and put aside whatever hurt emotions you feel since you refuse to wallow in self-pity or hurt...

Maybe it's a middle kid of same gender order in me. I always felt alone despite the number of acquaintances and friends I surround myself with in my public social life. I do not feel lonely, just alone. I cherish my quiet time with myself and a big part of me love being left alone to do my "own" things, be it eating, shopping or just chilling out. I never run out of ideas to keep myself and time occupied. Honestly, I am not much of a groupie- I love one on one time with close friends.

When I was 22 or so, I bummed into a family friend's newphew, J who used to have a crush on me when I was 13 and was a year older. We started keeping in touch. By then, he had started working and was doing really well and had worked his way up to become his boss' right hand since he is Malaysian and didn't have to waste time serving the army after he graduated from the polytechnic. He told me he was over $100,000 in debt since his portfolio of stocks took a dive in value.

Being 22 or so and still very much a sheltered child, I was shocked to find out that one could amass so much debt at such a young age. At the same time, I was impressed with his financial independence and worldliness. He was the first person I knew who had taken some form of bank loan.

I grew up thinking it was scary to have a debt. Being young and naive at 21, I remember telling DL that when we grow up and decide to buy a house, we must pay in cash. To which, he baulked at the idea and said even his Dad only managed to pay off their family home when he received a lump sum from his retirement. I soon learnt that we only know what we are exposed to whilst growing up.

My family never had debt as far as I knew when I was a child. We bought our land and built our own home in the 80s when the stock market crashed. We bought in cash. I remember our house hunting when I was seven. There began my love for properties. I never tire of them. We begun house hunting all over Singapore to look for that perfect home but my folks must have found none that they were thoroughly satisfied with. Finally, through a recommendation from a friend, they bought a piece of land and built the house, all up $700,000. Our house must have taken 2 years or so to build and I remember going to check it out at various stage of the construction. It was our dream house back then and my friends never failed to be impressed with the way our bedroom was designed. Today, the land itself must be worth $5m or so.

So because of what I grow up with, I reckon all debt was bad. But I also didn't feel the danger as much for becoming self-employed despite ironically, my parents' desire for me to find decent employment in public service and the like. I remember feeling privately bad in primary school for classmates whose fathers had to work for someone else (although ironically, some of their parents in executive profession might well have done better financially than mine), as well as the mothers who didn't have the luxury to stay at home and had to work for a living. Back in the days, most of our mothers were housewives and I do not remember any of my friends with mothers who were working in executive professions. I associated salaried employment to a lack of life and financial choices, as well as personal freedom. And on the other hand my housewife mother who didnt have a choice due to lack of education but who had the savviness to pick herself a dependable husband had private ambitions for her daughters, we were brought up to think that with education, we had choices and we could choose to be single and happy. We didn't need to build home and heath.

So I grow up ambitious wanting to live up to this ideal notion of being that upwardly mobile young professional with a swinging bachelorette life. I thought I could be young forever and ever and make merry as long as I have my close girlfriends to conquer the world with. Marriage do not have a place for a modern female like me and it is a means for a damsel to have someone to depend on emotionally and financially. I reckon I was not emotionally needy, nor was I financially (although I was ironically) helpless. After all, my folks love me despite any love-hate arguments with them or how psychologically traumatised I was from my domineering and opinionated mum, I know my parents are always there for me. Most importantly, they love me. That, I am clear on. I already have a family, I don't need to start another one.

Then I realise it was just me. Despite whatever emotion or financial independence my friends have, they have different ideas and values. Ultimately, they just want to have their own family. They want the simple things- someone to love and to be loved and children.

Last night, I was chatting to Della online and she is contemplating marrying this nice churchy guy (as her back up) by June. He was an introduction from her mum. Della is rich and attractive and she just wants to get married to keep her folks happy since she is feeling jaded at the moment from all her past of bad brushes with romance. She told me she no longer believes in love and since he appears a good catch and tick all the boxes and both sides of the parents get along, she figured he could make her happy. "Marriage is just so you have someone to cover your back, P", she said. She came from a broken family. So despite all the wealth she is to inherit, she still feels the need to be taken care of. Perhaps someone to fill in that emotional void in her life that money could not buy.

My nostalgic self feel somewhat pensive. Whatever happen to those happy, carefree days? Surely even at age 32, we could still have fun. Is it really necessary to impose a time line for ourselves?

Here I am, almost 32. I can't believe time flies. Just yesterday, V and I were dancing in the Pump Room on X'mas eve heading into the new year, our 29th year on earth. On Xmas eve, she met her current husband- baby is popping in May.

Now I have just expended $400,000 in a short 16 months or so. I didn't know I was capable of spending so much money and failing so badly in business. Read somewhere that "When a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with money parts with experience and the man with experience parts with the money". How very true.

I will be spending more. We need a car real soon. More legal fees and I just bought a house. Not on cash this time unfortunately. I took out a 30-year bank loan just like most Australians.

Growing older and growing wiser? Definitely.

Grown up? Not really.

With the wisdom, I am beginning to feel like I am finally living.

Things are finally coming together and I am beginning to have fun and focus on "me" and "us" time and lead that charmed life I have always envisioned for myself and whoever my life partner is. In this case, it is DL.

Now thinking back with all the trials and tribulations I went through, having existed for 32 years seems like quite a long time on earth. No wonder people get the big 3 "0" blues...

But not me. No siree, I want to live to be ninety-three...;)

I still have a long way to go and plenty of time to grow up!:)