Restructure- on your own terms

The name that evokes a lot of memories. Sadly, I am slowly forgetting my passion and impulsive excitement of my night in Havana. Rather, it has reminded me a time in my life before Julio. My life with DL- we were your typical university sweethearts, rather passionately in love in an innocently monogamous manner. My brushing with the half Cuban Chinese historian, Julio opened up a can of worms of what I was or capable of being. During that brief week, something ticked. I morphed easily into what I knew since I was a child what my soul was meant to be- that bohemic artist who believed in free love and being bold and wanting to have a taste of life in the form of passion and pain. I found me. It was to forever alter my dynamics with DL and in domino fashion, I was no longer the disciplined and tunnel vision young adult with a one track mind. My imagination fired up with infinite possibilities and hope for my life as one big romantic adventure- I wanted to run away with a poor scholar or elope to an exotic land amongst other things. My innocent infidelity (no sex or even French kissing) with Julio has subsequently left DL and I with irreparable consequences that we still bear till today in our joint and repressed lives. So after close to a decade long of emotional angst and pain, I no longer long for passion or excitement. For the most part, I want peace- externally and internally. I often feel disengaged from any real emotion, especially during an impassioned argument (typically one sided) with DL. I sit there feeling numb and empty, wondering if this is where my “romantic” relationship is heading to (ie dumps). Just a couple of nights ago after a late enough night back from work and my mind pre-occupied with a challenging business situation, our business discussion turned agitated, DL had a major meltdown about the business and about my alleged "selfish" treatment and lack of acknowledgement of his efforts. He decided to thrash the house to prove a point. Shattered glass everywhere and a broken window at 1am in the morning. I bidded my time for him to re-treat to the bedroom so I can clean up the mess. All this while, I was thinking how I could go about cleaning up the mess and effacing any traces of this imperfection in my house and my property. I was fast calculating if any serious damage that could affect my future rental returns of this property. I went about scrubbing and cleaning the house till 4am. The next morning, DL was still on strike and refused to go to work. The show must go on and I set about doing the damage control and ringing up the affected clients, as well as sorting out the window situation, which was fortunately covered by the complex's body corporate. Times like this I wonder if I could ever get out of this relationship black hole and trust to feel that lyrical excitement in my heart and mind (for this person who is supposedly the person I am to spend the rest of my life with) once more? Or have we done all the damage we could to each other that we are growing numb but reliant to co-exist in our often antagonistic but ironically dutiful lives for as long as we live? We have shown each other our darkest sides so surely something's got to give. Question is when? Julio has long been gone in my life. But the impact he has left DL and I continues to haunt us and have triggered certain actions of ours that do not look too great in the annals of our own histories. Oh Julio, we are slowly forgetting you- were you ever real or just a figment of our own dark imagination?