Friday, August 03, 2012
Girls will always be girls...
and I am one of them.
I think my soul is that of a girl. Not quite a lady. Definitely don't feel like a woman. I never feel that I could ever really grow up although my age is catching up.
" P, the cards are showing that you are like a little girl. And you are not having enough fun," Anton the pagan clairvoyant said when I went to him last year. He alluded to my relationship with DL- mostly pragmatic and tensed and hardly romantic.
Anton is right. It is precisely how I felt in my more than a decade long relationship with DL. I almost feel like I am the mother sometimes- constantly worrying about him and feeling trapped in an antagonistic relationship where our goals are not aligned. DL wants a simple life, lacks tenacity and is mostly laid back (some would say. I call it laziness) whilst I, Miss P want to live larger-than-life and live passionately and fully till the day I die. Therein lies our differences that continue to define the banality and growing resentment of our joint lives.
So each time I am home in Singapore, I feel a rejuvenation of my soul. I wish I never had to return back to Sad Town and all things but ironically, I cannot. My mum seems to think Australia is the place for us to be and sometimes in anger, I feel like dumping her a guilt trip on her frail heart to let her know how short-changed I feel about my life here with DL if only she knows what I have to go through and put up in our bitter-sweet relationhip because I have to survive. I couldn't do it alone now that I have invested all the financial hospitality my parents have bestowed upon me on us. I have limited choice but to make my life in Australia work. I still remain hopeful that DL and I may finally see light at the end of this bleak tunnel because I love him enough to put out all my stakes for him and making myself so vulnerable in oh-so-many levels. But some days, I grow tired of trying to lead and having that one step forward, two steps backwards thing going in the progression of our relationship(The other day, I caught up with Coolios who is a buddy of DL and also a good friend of mine. He agreed that DL needs help and needs to see a psychologist/counsellor). I just have to remain positive.
Truth is, I am never ready to grow up and I just want to run far, faraway and embark on many life adventures. I want to feel like I can fall in love carelessly and carefreely again with a boy who can be my partner-in-crime. We can have an intellectual and philosophically lyrical debate about the mysteries of the universe, laugh at ourselves and feel so much love that we cannot stop making sweet love and loving each other.I want to live again and we may even find a cause we are both passionate about so that we can live and breathe our common interests and help change the world in a grand way.
Now that is the real P. A little idealistic but enough to want to make things happen. I always made things happen for me because I believe in the power of the mind.
A bit of a Lolita. I don't think I can ever grow too old in my mind and soul. So I have no real fixed preference type. An older man or a younger man are both highly capable of allowing me to re-capture my youth.
*****
Shania is a bit of a girl like me. We are both never ready to get married. She wants affection and companionship and likes to hang out with her girlfriends.
Being my only non-married good friend from high school with all the time flexibility in the world as a self-employed person, I spent most of my time in Singapore hanging out with her on most nights. I enjoyed her staying over at my place or me lying in her bed (my dress by now would have ridden up to my waist exposing my panties) to talk about love, infatuations, spirituality, intimacy and all the senseless girl talk.
We both hate wearing bras not because we are trying to look seductive because like two young girls, we don't see the need to.
"Why must people wear bras?" she looked at me weirdly the other day and we laughed.
I concurred since we both don't have big boobs and doesn't require extra support. I was also doing out of pragmatism. As it is, the weather in Singapore is hot and humid enough for me. I wasn't about to unnecessary add an extra layer of clothing, which also meant extra laundry and also unnecessary water resources wasted.
But for the aesthetics of the silohuette's sake, I do don a bra when the outfit requires. ( I am also glad I did the day Gem a.k.a Mr. Tingles kissed me at the beach and the strap of my sphagetti strapped top slided off my left shoulder. That outing night while I was getting dressed to go out, I recalled contemplating whether I should "waste" a clean bra by wearing it since the four of us- Shania, Photo, Gem weren't going anywhere nice and was just hanging out at a bar by the beach. I definitely was NOT expecting any action).
Last Saturday, Shania and I accompanied Photo to lunch at the joint that Shania and I went an hour before. Photo asked why I was dressing so sexily in a thin,white cotton singlet with a black sports bra underneath and torn and tattered denim shorts. Perhaps, he was alluding to whom I was trying to seduce.
"What sexy? Can't you see it is such a hot day and we had to walk all the way to lunch before?!" I retorted.
He pointed to my black sports bra under a white translucent top.
"Aiyah. I cannot find a white coloured bra. Can you imagine if it was white? How see through would that be? Besides I don't like wearing a bra if I can help it!"
He laughed and mumbled something along the lines that I was like Shania and that we both don't like wearing bras. (So he has been taking note of her, I privately chuckled in my mind).
I put my hands underneath my breasts and supported them in a comical way.
"See my boobs are small so there is no need!" I laughed.
Now Photo blushed and looked a little embarrassed at my audacity or shamelessness.
He also mentioned that my tummy was sticking out.
I replied nonchalantly that I really need to do something about it but who cares since I wasn't trying to seduce anyone.
I guess Photo is a friend and somehow when a male friend is not someone that I have a romantic attraction to, I forget that they are male and I just see them as I see myself: big kids at heart. They are a-sexual, genderless in my mind. Nothing sexualised , nothing that I can feel overly embarrassed to talk about.
I attributed that to my girls' school education and growing up with straight, male friends like Dancer whom I was accustomed to him looking at my body in tight leotards and tights during dance class.
*****
In 1998, I was given a partial scholarship to go to an all girls college in Pennsylvania for having a good score with my SATs. Alas, my father didn't deem it a "reputable" enough school to send me there.
I would have welcomed that as I went to a good girls' school during high school and wished that my education years would never go co-ed. I know what an all girls' school has done to my healthy self esteem in my pubescent year due to the non-existence of self-consciousness (although I had constant issues of not being thin enough when I was slim, it bore from wanting to seek the "perfect" silohuette for my dance and outfits, not so much for boys) from unnecessary male distraction, my relatively healthy competitive streak and the instillation of focus and discipline in me as a blossoming young lady. But most importantly, I experienced the camaraderie of girly friendships and empowerment of girl power within our classroom setting and the fun we had as girls. And what's even better, we still managed to know boys from neighbouring schools and we always look more fabulous than most girls within a co-ed school.
The sentimental me would love to turn back clock so I will have more girlfriends to hang out with where we indulge in sometimes philosophical discussions (like V and me) but often girly banters about boys and our Alicia Silverstone-esque shopping ( miss the days too where I was given generous pocket money), drinking Jolly Shandy (0.2% alcohol content so don't mess around with us!;p) at the bus stop and thinking that we are so worldly with our designer or branded school bags.
Oh if only there is a time machine to get me back to the mid 1990s, I will be so ready to fly.
Gimme my girlfriends anytime. And then I can say "Heck the boys!";)
I think my soul is that of a girl. Not quite a lady. Definitely don't feel like a woman. I never feel that I could ever really grow up although my age is catching up.
" P, the cards are showing that you are like a little girl. And you are not having enough fun," Anton the pagan clairvoyant said when I went to him last year. He alluded to my relationship with DL- mostly pragmatic and tensed and hardly romantic.
Anton is right. It is precisely how I felt in my more than a decade long relationship with DL. I almost feel like I am the mother sometimes- constantly worrying about him and feeling trapped in an antagonistic relationship where our goals are not aligned. DL wants a simple life, lacks tenacity and is mostly laid back (some would say. I call it laziness) whilst I, Miss P want to live larger-than-life and live passionately and fully till the day I die. Therein lies our differences that continue to define the banality and growing resentment of our joint lives.
So each time I am home in Singapore, I feel a rejuvenation of my soul. I wish I never had to return back to Sad Town and all things but ironically, I cannot. My mum seems to think Australia is the place for us to be and sometimes in anger, I feel like dumping her a guilt trip on her frail heart to let her know how short-changed I feel about my life here with DL if only she knows what I have to go through and put up in our bitter-sweet relationhip because I have to survive. I couldn't do it alone now that I have invested all the financial hospitality my parents have bestowed upon me on us. I have limited choice but to make my life in Australia work. I still remain hopeful that DL and I may finally see light at the end of this bleak tunnel because I love him enough to put out all my stakes for him and making myself so vulnerable in oh-so-many levels. But some days, I grow tired of trying to lead and having that one step forward, two steps backwards thing going in the progression of our relationship(The other day, I caught up with Coolios who is a buddy of DL and also a good friend of mine. He agreed that DL needs help and needs to see a psychologist/counsellor). I just have to remain positive.
Truth is, I am never ready to grow up and I just want to run far, faraway and embark on many life adventures. I want to feel like I can fall in love carelessly and carefreely again with a boy who can be my partner-in-crime. We can have an intellectual and philosophically lyrical debate about the mysteries of the universe, laugh at ourselves and feel so much love that we cannot stop making sweet love and loving each other.I want to live again and we may even find a cause we are both passionate about so that we can live and breathe our common interests and help change the world in a grand way.
Now that is the real P. A little idealistic but enough to want to make things happen. I always made things happen for me because I believe in the power of the mind.
A bit of a Lolita. I don't think I can ever grow too old in my mind and soul. So I have no real fixed preference type. An older man or a younger man are both highly capable of allowing me to re-capture my youth.
*****
Shania is a bit of a girl like me. We are both never ready to get married. She wants affection and companionship and likes to hang out with her girlfriends.
Being my only non-married good friend from high school with all the time flexibility in the world as a self-employed person, I spent most of my time in Singapore hanging out with her on most nights. I enjoyed her staying over at my place or me lying in her bed (my dress by now would have ridden up to my waist exposing my panties) to talk about love, infatuations, spirituality, intimacy and all the senseless girl talk.
We both hate wearing bras not because we are trying to look seductive because like two young girls, we don't see the need to.
"Why must people wear bras?" she looked at me weirdly the other day and we laughed.
I concurred since we both don't have big boobs and doesn't require extra support. I was also doing out of pragmatism. As it is, the weather in Singapore is hot and humid enough for me. I wasn't about to unnecessary add an extra layer of clothing, which also meant extra laundry and also unnecessary water resources wasted.
But for the aesthetics of the silohuette's sake, I do don a bra when the outfit requires. ( I am also glad I did the day Gem a.k.a Mr. Tingles kissed me at the beach and the strap of my sphagetti strapped top slided off my left shoulder. That outing night while I was getting dressed to go out, I recalled contemplating whether I should "waste" a clean bra by wearing it since the four of us- Shania, Photo, Gem weren't going anywhere nice and was just hanging out at a bar by the beach. I definitely was NOT expecting any action).
Last Saturday, Shania and I accompanied Photo to lunch at the joint that Shania and I went an hour before. Photo asked why I was dressing so sexily in a thin,white cotton singlet with a black sports bra underneath and torn and tattered denim shorts. Perhaps, he was alluding to whom I was trying to seduce.
"What sexy? Can't you see it is such a hot day and we had to walk all the way to lunch before?!" I retorted.
He pointed to my black sports bra under a white translucent top.
"Aiyah. I cannot find a white coloured bra. Can you imagine if it was white? How see through would that be? Besides I don't like wearing a bra if I can help it!"
He laughed and mumbled something along the lines that I was like Shania and that we both don't like wearing bras. (So he has been taking note of her, I privately chuckled in my mind).
I put my hands underneath my breasts and supported them in a comical way.
"See my boobs are small so there is no need!" I laughed.
Now Photo blushed and looked a little embarrassed at my audacity or shamelessness.
He also mentioned that my tummy was sticking out.
I replied nonchalantly that I really need to do something about it but who cares since I wasn't trying to seduce anyone.
I guess Photo is a friend and somehow when a male friend is not someone that I have a romantic attraction to, I forget that they are male and I just see them as I see myself: big kids at heart. They are a-sexual, genderless in my mind. Nothing sexualised , nothing that I can feel overly embarrassed to talk about.
I attributed that to my girls' school education and growing up with straight, male friends like Dancer whom I was accustomed to him looking at my body in tight leotards and tights during dance class.
*****
In 1998, I was given a partial scholarship to go to an all girls college in Pennsylvania for having a good score with my SATs. Alas, my father didn't deem it a "reputable" enough school to send me there.
I would have welcomed that as I went to a good girls' school during high school and wished that my education years would never go co-ed. I know what an all girls' school has done to my healthy self esteem in my pubescent year due to the non-existence of self-consciousness (although I had constant issues of not being thin enough when I was slim, it bore from wanting to seek the "perfect" silohuette for my dance and outfits, not so much for boys) from unnecessary male distraction, my relatively healthy competitive streak and the instillation of focus and discipline in me as a blossoming young lady. But most importantly, I experienced the camaraderie of girly friendships and empowerment of girl power within our classroom setting and the fun we had as girls. And what's even better, we still managed to know boys from neighbouring schools and we always look more fabulous than most girls within a co-ed school.
The sentimental me would love to turn back clock so I will have more girlfriends to hang out with where we indulge in sometimes philosophical discussions (like V and me) but often girly banters about boys and our Alicia Silverstone-esque shopping ( miss the days too where I was given generous pocket money), drinking Jolly Shandy (0.2% alcohol content so don't mess around with us!;p) at the bus stop and thinking that we are so worldly with our designer or branded school bags.
Oh if only there is a time machine to get me back to the mid 1990s, I will be so ready to fly.
Gimme my girlfriends anytime. And then I can say "Heck the boys!";)
