Saturday, August 04, 2012
The theme of my life & thoughts about intimacy...
It's now 2.46am AEST Friday easing into Saturday morning and still I am not in bed. So what's new?
Midnight and the wee hours of the morning are my favourite time of the day. I enjoy the quietness of the household where DL and Rusty are fast asleep and I am surrounded with the solitude of my thoughts. I get to feel the least guilty writing, savouring the words I have arranged to form meaningful sentences of my narration. I am also at my most alert. It would be a shame to waste time sleeping and let the golden moments of my creativity or mindfulness slip me by.
Looking through the archives of my blog site is my way of walking down memory lane.
My friends like Shania, B and Della often commented that I never forget anything and if they were to tell me a secret, it would always remain in my mind even if they regret revealing it to me much later on for whatever reason (mainly out of embarrassment or the need to obliterate and deny their existences completely). That, is true. B used me as a memory bank to help her re-call her own romantic adventures as she has a dimmed memory of her own life, including how she first got hooked up with her husband. She relies upon me to re-call any incidences happening in her life right down to exactly how many men she had gone to bed with. Like a computerised database, I haven't disappointed my friends to date when it came to information extraction.
Except I do forget. Reading my old entries made me realise they are snippets of memories that have long escaped my mind. I forget how poignant and intense some of my joint romantic experiences have been with certain people who had crossed paths in my life.
****
So just before, I decided to have a look through my 2006 posts and there I found gold. This entry encapsulated what it was all about in my quest or rather inclination towards taking a lover. Old Boy previously got me there mind, body and soul. But if I were to re-call further, it was M who embodied the very essence. He truly got me and my soul. He understood my story, "The Respectful Murderer" and the profundity of it. He understood what Jodie meant to Richard in my story and his perverted love for her, which in actual fact, is a beautiful story of love, obsession and respect. M understood Jodie was me and why it mattered why Richard had to kill Jodie and left her to die with her naked body covered up that way...
M understood that I had certain issues about trust and intimacy on certain levels. On one hand, I give so much of myself to lovers betraying my erotic appetite and the other, I gave nothing of myself. Few men has been privy to certain parts of me. I have spent most of affairs fucking instead of making love or even making affection. Meaningful relationships and affairs are what I do crave for. I don't often seek it actively as I am a believer of fate where boys and men will eventually find me (even when I try to dodge or repress any initiative) and then I let the course of events overcome anddictate where this encounter may lead me. I generally have a disinterest in men and not till they have decided to make the first move which will inevitably catch my attention, I would catch their cues and reciprocate accordingly. And once I am interested, I would almost definitely become more forward, perhaps due to my curiosity to understand some of their soul and hasten the union of a meaningful affair since time is never my friend. Before too long, I will need to hop on yet another plane and bus, get moving and I will be gone. Alas, most affairs are short-lived and may have ended before it has begun, be it due to my over forwardness or a case of waning interest from them finding new play. Either way, it was a good indicator that I had found fools' gold and I should move and thank my lucky stars (of not getting into yet another hapless affair) and dispel any ego bruise I have since it is all temporary and I will have a good laugh at myself when I am over it.
Most often, even when a friendship was formed during or post the affair, I still could not bring myself to trust them with the mental burden of self-consciousness of my own body. As you all know, my critical mind has a certain discomfort for physical imperfections.
M got me. The first guy who tried to asphyxiate me. It was a strange sensation when he seized my throat. I swear I was losing my breath and any further tightening of the grip would knock my breath out. Like Richard, he loved Jodie. It was his way of telling me. I have never had anyone so intensely connecting with me at that very moment. A tale not wasted on a very deserving lover because he got me and what intimacy, trust and love were all about and which thematically summed up my sensuality.
Re-reading through the entry made sense to me about M now and why he seems to be always hanging around my life sporadically. Always sincere and keen to find out how my life have been and keeping a slight distance but he is always somewhere around. He still isn't too keen to get married. He has been with the same China girl for at least a good five years now. Every so often, he too asked when I was going to get married.
When we met up in Sydney in June last year, I have let my memory slide. I stop wanting to remember us in Paris (another one of those Friday progressing into Saturday morning ecounter), the pain of his betrayal and the last intense parting shot at the Changi Airport a year later where he sought me out. We had many missed opportunities like a bad drama script that I choose to believe it is Divine Intervention that our relationship were not to be. I am in a different place and mind now (what with having to deal with my emotional scars of the Old Boy and trying to do good and make peace with my relationship with DL) five and a half years on.
Reading the above old entry made sense to me today. Perhaps the sentimental him was hanging on to the intensity of that feeling on that sad New Year's Day of 2006 in the very guest room of my family home. After all, we did have a very special connection, like Richard and Jodie.
Midnight and the wee hours of the morning are my favourite time of the day. I enjoy the quietness of the household where DL and Rusty are fast asleep and I am surrounded with the solitude of my thoughts. I get to feel the least guilty writing, savouring the words I have arranged to form meaningful sentences of my narration. I am also at my most alert. It would be a shame to waste time sleeping and let the golden moments of my creativity or mindfulness slip me by.
Looking through the archives of my blog site is my way of walking down memory lane.
My friends like Shania, B and Della often commented that I never forget anything and if they were to tell me a secret, it would always remain in my mind even if they regret revealing it to me much later on for whatever reason (mainly out of embarrassment or the need to obliterate and deny their existences completely). That, is true. B used me as a memory bank to help her re-call her own romantic adventures as she has a dimmed memory of her own life, including how she first got hooked up with her husband. She relies upon me to re-call any incidences happening in her life right down to exactly how many men she had gone to bed with. Like a computerised database, I haven't disappointed my friends to date when it came to information extraction.
Except I do forget. Reading my old entries made me realise they are snippets of memories that have long escaped my mind. I forget how poignant and intense some of my joint romantic experiences have been with certain people who had crossed paths in my life.
****
So just before, I decided to have a look through my 2006 posts and there I found gold. This entry encapsulated what it was all about in my quest or rather inclination towards taking a lover. Old Boy previously got me there mind, body and soul. But if I were to re-call further, it was M who embodied the very essence. He truly got me and my soul. He understood my story, "The Respectful Murderer" and the profundity of it. He understood what Jodie meant to Richard in my story and his perverted love for her, which in actual fact, is a beautiful story of love, obsession and respect. M understood Jodie was me and why it mattered why Richard had to kill Jodie and left her to die with her naked body covered up that way...
M understood that I had certain issues about trust and intimacy on certain levels. On one hand, I give so much of myself to lovers betraying my erotic appetite and the other, I gave nothing of myself. Few men has been privy to certain parts of me. I have spent most of affairs fucking instead of making love or even making affection. Meaningful relationships and affairs are what I do crave for. I don't often seek it actively as I am a believer of fate where boys and men will eventually find me (even when I try to dodge or repress any initiative) and then I let the course of events overcome anddictate where this encounter may lead me. I generally have a disinterest in men and not till they have decided to make the first move which will inevitably catch my attention, I would catch their cues and reciprocate accordingly. And once I am interested, I would almost definitely become more forward, perhaps due to my curiosity to understand some of their soul and hasten the union of a meaningful affair since time is never my friend. Before too long, I will need to hop on yet another plane and bus, get moving and I will be gone. Alas, most affairs are short-lived and may have ended before it has begun, be it due to my over forwardness or a case of waning interest from them finding new play. Either way, it was a good indicator that I had found fools' gold and I should move and thank my lucky stars (of not getting into yet another hapless affair) and dispel any ego bruise I have since it is all temporary and I will have a good laugh at myself when I am over it.
Most often, even when a friendship was formed during or post the affair, I still could not bring myself to trust them with the mental burden of self-consciousness of my own body. As you all know, my critical mind has a certain discomfort for physical imperfections.
M got me. The first guy who tried to asphyxiate me. It was a strange sensation when he seized my throat. I swear I was losing my breath and any further tightening of the grip would knock my breath out. Like Richard, he loved Jodie. It was his way of telling me. I have never had anyone so intensely connecting with me at that very moment. A tale not wasted on a very deserving lover because he got me and what intimacy, trust and love were all about and which thematically summed up my sensuality.
Re-reading through the entry made sense to me about M now and why he seems to be always hanging around my life sporadically. Always sincere and keen to find out how my life have been and keeping a slight distance but he is always somewhere around. He still isn't too keen to get married. He has been with the same China girl for at least a good five years now. Every so often, he too asked when I was going to get married.
When we met up in Sydney in June last year, I have let my memory slide. I stop wanting to remember us in Paris (another one of those Friday progressing into Saturday morning ecounter), the pain of his betrayal and the last intense parting shot at the Changi Airport a year later where he sought me out. We had many missed opportunities like a bad drama script that I choose to believe it is Divine Intervention that our relationship were not to be. I am in a different place and mind now (what with having to deal with my emotional scars of the Old Boy and trying to do good and make peace with my relationship with DL) five and a half years on.
Reading the above old entry made sense to me today. Perhaps the sentimental him was hanging on to the intensity of that feeling on that sad New Year's Day of 2006 in the very guest room of my family home. After all, we did have a very special connection, like Richard and Jodie.
