Restructure- on your own terms

It had dawned on me that today was the last day of 2012 whilst I was on the bus chatting to V on my mobile Facebook chat.

A sinking feeling gradually filled my being with the realisation.

I recall half a decade to the day rather vividly on how I spent my New Year’s Eve celebrating at Clarke Quay with V, her current German husband and my Norwegian beau and his brother. It seemed only like yesterday V and I were such swinging bachelorettes coming out of our relationships. Hers was breaking away from a relationship that was never going to work and me with DL. Oh, and that afternoon, the Old Boy and I shagged at a Hotel 81 near my house the first time.

So five years on, what have since changed?

Well, V is happily married to the German where we met at Pump Room on that Christmas Eve and they have a chubbilicious baby boy who is already 19 months old. I must have mentioned this for the umpteenth time.

What about yours truly, some of you might ask?

Not much in the grand theme on Miss P’s life.

As many of you would have noticed, my blog have been shut down for a while and for a good reason.

You see, I have been busted by DL about my latest one -off infidelity with a particular guy named Gem (which some of you would have read about).

DL and I have some sort of telepathy, perhaps from being together for so long. He sensed something was wrong since my return from Singapore. I spent a lot of time thereafter in Sad Town jogging and taking long walks up the hill.  And one serendipitous (for him) night, he found the shady alleyway of my blog spent an entire night up reading my blog beginning 2009 (post our reunion) and confirmed his doubts.

The next day, on our eleventh year anniversary, we broke up.

The initial feeling was relief before sadness overcame me. For the first time amongst my long history of infidelity (stemmed from our marred relationship that I shall never want to talk about) which I have been doing good for the most part in the last 3 years by abstaining from any extra-curricular activities and rejecting any advances made my way, I felt the burden of guilt (and perhaps why I was not so good at compartmentalising and hiding my feelings) from withholding something from someone I thought I was resolute to spend the better half of my life with.

So I spent the last four and a half months, the latter half of 2012 being single. 

I lost my share of the business , the second investment property on the private residence island and the company to him.

 DL didn’t move out until last week as he tried doing the right thing by letting me get back on my feet.

We co-existed in a bitter-sweet manner where there were days where tension at home was unbearable and ugly, abusive and resentful words were exchanged (especially on his part) when we had to make a decision on something relating to the business or the soon to be settled property. There were days where I let him verbally abuse me as I did not have the energy to fight him. How is one to reason with an emotionally wounded man, especially since on the outside I seemed completely at fault (which I will not dispute for the above incident)? With my numerous indiscretions and infidelity, there is only so much one could take and I had left DL with no choice but to cut off from someone like me.

I spent the last 5 months cleaning up my own emotional and inevitably financial mess. I stopped dwelling lest I spiral into depression and could only embrace a positive attitude on finding solutions to work through this challenging part of my life.

The circle of my private life thereby concluded and with the aftermath that I had to deal with as a result of my indiscretions, I didn’t have the heart to write again.

                                                                                 ******

2012 came and go so quickly in a blink.

I was spontaneously being seduced and kissed by a boy named Gem in July (which is almost half a year ago) and lost my boyfriend, the business and my second investment property as a result.

I thought I was so close to the finishing line for the years of working hard to achieve the financial stability I craved for with the person I have decided to spend the rest of my life with.

I had to fuck it all up for myself.

Gem was the straw the broke the camel’s back for DL. For me, Gem made me realise how much a part of me wanted to break free, have fun and be Miss P again.  I wanted to feel young again and feel romance and the thrill of the chase and the excitement that comes with passion. He fuelled my imagination that life could be elsewhere and perhaps a relationship shouldn’t be this hard a slog. If two are in sync, they can conquer the world together. I wanted to find my partner-in-crime.

                                                                               ******

When one door closes, another opens.

So I went home to Singapore in July and lost my boyfriend in August.

Whilst I was fretting what I could do with my life, I received a headhunting call the next day for a position back in Singapore.

I toyed with the idea of going home since one part of me could not put the Gem out of my mind and also because I wanted to run away from my adult problems with DL. I wanted to know if my infatuation for that boy who captured my imagination could make me take this great leap of faith of making the life-changing decision of relocating back home. I have always been more pragmatic than romantic in my life and was brought up never to bend backwards over a guy that would put me in a compromising position, especially in my career or my quest for personal excellence. Well, perhaps for the Old Boy, only that I knew our relationship would have gone nowhere and the stop limit to how far off the rails would be decided for me anyway in the form of intervention of social conventions and family expectations from both ends.

At an all time broke and needing to get out of Sad Town from that unbearable feeling of unease living with DL and needing to find out if the Gem was just a figment of my infatuated imagination, I booked a flight in October to fly home to Singapore. To justify for my expenses courtesy of my mother’s financial hospitality YET again, I had found that fine excuse since I was headhunted and arranged for my job interview to take place and a few follow-up business meetings relating to my side business that I had since June. But deep inside, I needed to go home once and for all to confirm what I feel for Gem and get to know him better.

V’s all time wisdom of words from the days of our teens that “the best laid plans always fail” could not be truer. I only met Gem briefly once in my two and the half weeks home at the tail end of my trip. That about gave me the answer that I needed to know, which is- he is not that into me.  I texted him once the day after I touched down in Singapore and received no reply from him, which might as well be THE answer anyway. I facebook chatted him once to invite him to the country club with my friends but I reckon the only reason why he bothered replying was because he couldn’t make it anyway. So I stopped trying lest I looked like a stupid fool.

 I occupied my mind in the first half of my trip by jogging to the beach from my house every morning. On the first day of my jog, I chanced upon what I thought was the tree that Gem had led me to and kissed me under it in the dark wee hours of that breezy July Saturday morning. I took a picture on my phone of that supposed tree for memory’s sake.

Gem was the last boy I kissed in 2012.

                                                                           *****

The Dope and I are still friends after all these years.

As some of you long time readers will remember, Dope was that university crush that I had way before DL came into my life.  He was that aloof and mysterious Eurasian boy from the Law and Commerce faculty who excelled in his studies and who was liked by a number of Asian girls.

I always felt a strong connection with the Dope despite being mere acquaintances and knew I would get him one day, except I didn’t know how and why. Later on, we would only nod by way of acknowledgement whenever we bummed into each other at the shopping mall, him with his girlfriend (my classmate) and me with DL.

When we graduated from university (he graduated the year before I did), I heard he moved to Sydney when I bummed into a mutual friend. And coincidentally, I bummed into him the following week on the same bus back from Sydney to Sad Town. The rest was history and we had a one year plus relationship in the form of a grey arrangement from 2005 to 2006.

As always a workaholic, the Dope and I were on Whatapp today on a hot late afternoon whilst he continues slogging away at work. We communicated on a sporadic basis, mainly to ensure that the other person is still alive and kicking.

Since I have stopped being a wanton P and becoming a rather sexless person over the past couple of years, Dope has stopped trying to play the Devil’s Advocate (ironically, that was my role when we had the grey arrangement) to stoke my fire so to speak.  Besides, he now has a girlfriend whom he has dated for at least five years now. 

Today for some reason unknown to myself, I asked him if when was the last time he had sex with his  girlfriend since he always works so late. A couple of weeks ago, came his reply. 

We moved onto another topic about my new business idea and with the sweltering heat making me sluggish, I decided to let him get back to his work whilst I try taking a nap on the couch. After what must be 20 minutes, I got up and continued our conversation.

Since you were on the topic of sex...he said.

Yeah.

I had a nostalgic wank this morning...

Nostalgic wank?  Heheheh. What about?

About us before...

Hehehheh. That was so long ago. You actually remember?;)

Yup.

Why didn’t you tell me you were single then Dope?

Because I didn’t know how and it was grey...
 You know I could have ‘un-grey’ it right if I had known?

Things would have changed and Dope wouldn’t have to spend all these years wanking to lascivious thoughts of P and her sweet tricks. We would have made a great team in our corporate careers, charming the smart set on Martin Place. Perhaps I would be the girl living on his expensive Lumiere apartment on George Street managing his investments and money whilst he does what he does best now in the mining industry and in stock picking...

For a long time, I like to think that the men in my life were so capable of hurting me wittingly and unwittingly. But in recent times, I started doing some soul searching and realise I did hurt some along the way.    

Were you hurt by me?   

I was referring to my polygamous ways.

A little. But please don’t feel apologetic. You were young and being true to yourself.

You know what Dope? So many of you made it so easy for me to have my cake and eat it, including DL. Time and again, he took me back despite my infidelity, only to be disappointed. And the truth is, I wasn’t happy about leading a double life. I wish too, then you would have dished an ultimatum for me where I was forced to make a decision. Maybe I wouldn’t end up where I am today...

As I typed the above, I was reminded of the others I have hurt, including the Old Boy (who begged me to lie to him that my infidelity with the Koran was involuntary), the Koran (who was so sweet to me despite my infidelity and rudeness to him; strangely after that conversation he had with me, he got married hastily 2 months after) and M (“stop hurting me,” he said as we spent 2006 New Year’s Day where he flew to Singapore to visit me whilst I was back for summer).

Coincidentally, whilst I was whatsapping away with Dope, I received a Facebook message from M wishing me a Happy New Year to let him know when I might be going back to Singapore. It would be nice to catch up as he now lives in Malaysia and it would be easier for him to make a trip to visit if time permitted.

                                                                     *****

So therein concluded my 2012.

Back into the work force I am again.

I have decided to work in a cushier job as a Store Manager for a boutique to help pay bills and for once, take it easy on my life.

I am still getting used to being paid a pittance and working longer hours.  My current’s weekly salary equivalent to one and a half day’s worth of work in our business where I worked no more than an average of five hours a day. And commuting in public transport in Sad Town too is a pain.

But I am of the belief the human mind is adaptable and flexible so I will survive. Well, I made my own bed, so to speak and since I have rejected a relatively high paid corporate job back in Singapore in exchange for lifestyle, I really have no one to blame since opportunities are always around if you spot them and do something with them.

For me, things have come full circle finally in 2012.

Funny how, all it took was one little incident to tip the precarious balances of our lives and the change of Fates.

The clairvoyants over the years were wrong after all. 2012 did arrive and DL and I did not have the expansive business that so many have said we would achieve in various stages of our lives where I saw different clairvoyants and he chanced upon one in his waitering days who read him for free.

Or have the interception of Gem in my life and my carelessness thwarted the grand scheme of things that Someone Up There had originally intended for DL and me?

And oh, the world did not end in 2012.

So here I am spending New Year's Eve alone in solitude. Tomorrow is a new year, new life and new beginnings.

So what is in store for me in 2013?

Anything really.

But I say now it is time to focus on me and my quest to fulfilling my full potential and find that inner peace I have always been searching for, embarking on a meditative life journey that is best experienced in solitude.

So cheers everyone to an abundant 2013 and ride with the fun times ahead!