Monday, January 07, 2013
Single
Post DL's recent moving out, I naturally have the house to myself.
I was waiting for the aftermath of loneliness, emptiness and inevitably sadness and depression to set in. Except, it has not. Strangely, I feel a lot more centred and at peace.
Despite thinking of him often and our meeting up once every few days, I do enjoy having the house to myself. My inner and outer peace restored. With most of his belongings gone, the built up clutter is gone.
I generally keep it tidy, just like how I always liked and wanted it to be. Not worn clothes stripped and carelessly strewn on the floor. Missed pistachio nut shells found around the wastepaper basket or unwashed dishes...
With no car, I am home bound a lot too as the public transport in Sad Town is infrequent and can quite a pain, especially on weekends. But I generally could keep myself happily occupied in my own house with my numerous interests, hobbies and household chores. I also finally got to enjoy the couch (which DL was a permanent fixture ON it) and watch my beloved Rusty lay on her mini kingdom of dog pets and animal printed blankets near by on the floor. And the great thing is now my cushions are always arrranged the right way up and the TV is hardly switched on. I can finally get some peace and I intend to keep it this way... sometimes I put music in the background, just like how I always desire the atmosphere of my home to be.
Given that I am fast approaching 34, having close to zero social life in Sad Town (except for a handful of close friends whom I meet infrequently and are mostly attached) and a life revolving around work in an all-female industry, commuting home and Rusty, I think the chances of me finding romance or a suitable partner to be far from likely.
It doesn't quite affect me. Not as yet it seems and I do quite enjoy my newfound solitude. In fact,in a way, it does feel like how I wanted or envision my life during my youth- to be a financially independent woman with my own home and my own world when I grow up. So having my own home and living faraway from home, there are no compelling factors to want to get hitched quickly- I have already achieved having my own property and a roof over my head. Hopefully there will be more properties to come, with or without a partner. With DL having the other property, I almost feel myself heave a sigh of relief that our separation didn't leave him empty-handed. In fact, he got something far more valuable than I did and a business we built thanks to the largess of our families where the world is indeed his oyster...
In a way, I have always had a "provider" mentality and I reckon, that kept me "committed" (in my warped, polygamous way) to keep our relationship going for more than a decade. Subconsciously, I wanted to see "results", so to speak that he would get somewhere financially stable before I could let him be on his own, just like the way an overly protective mother hand holds her child and build a safety net to catch him if he falls...
Despite growing up with much social ambitions where I made the effort to work the social circuit, I always loved being alone for the most part. Even as a teen, I was fond of taking a bus into town where I would eat alone and shop alone because I truly enjoy my own company. My only fear was not having enough pocket money. When I got older, I basked in the delight of travelling solo and embarking on my own little adventures....
I am still one and the same person all these years. And my only fear too is not making enough money to feed my hungry soul for all things fine and beautiful and to save the world like I hope I can and leave a mark before I pass on from this world.
"You are always in your own world..." DL always said during an argument or a discussion turned tensed. The Old Boy and perhaps a few others tell me about my self-centredness, being so difficult as a person and high maintenance as a girlfriend of sorts.
So there, as I fast approach age 34, I don't see how much more easy-going I will get. I acknowledge the fact that I am fussy since I was a child and I have my own idiosyncracies that may hard for some to put up. Joint living and sharing my life with someone was never quite my thing, just like how some people could never relate to parenthood. And for as long as I live in this one-bedroom townhouse, I have decided there will be no room for two people to co-exist (except for friends or family visiting for the short term, of course). Just me and my dog. How I like it.
Ever heard of good fences make good neighbours? I am of the belief, too that a bigger house will drown out any noises or keep a couple from cramming each other's personal space and spark any unncessary tension. That is why I always like living in a bigger property with more rooms so my partner and I could get out of each other's way...
Now that I have my tiny abode to myself, it feels like I have finally found my haven and I intend to keep it this way for a long time to come. No more excuses about my underperformance or delays. Finally, I can focus on me.
I was waiting for the aftermath of loneliness, emptiness and inevitably sadness and depression to set in. Except, it has not. Strangely, I feel a lot more centred and at peace.
Despite thinking of him often and our meeting up once every few days, I do enjoy having the house to myself. My inner and outer peace restored. With most of his belongings gone, the built up clutter is gone.
I generally keep it tidy, just like how I always liked and wanted it to be. Not worn clothes stripped and carelessly strewn on the floor. Missed pistachio nut shells found around the wastepaper basket or unwashed dishes...
With no car, I am home bound a lot too as the public transport in Sad Town is infrequent and can quite a pain, especially on weekends. But I generally could keep myself happily occupied in my own house with my numerous interests, hobbies and household chores. I also finally got to enjoy the couch (which DL was a permanent fixture ON it) and watch my beloved Rusty lay on her mini kingdom of dog pets and animal printed blankets near by on the floor. And the great thing is now my cushions are always arrranged the right way up and the TV is hardly switched on. I can finally get some peace and I intend to keep it this way... sometimes I put music in the background, just like how I always desire the atmosphere of my home to be.
Given that I am fast approaching 34, having close to zero social life in Sad Town (except for a handful of close friends whom I meet infrequently and are mostly attached) and a life revolving around work in an all-female industry, commuting home and Rusty, I think the chances of me finding romance or a suitable partner to be far from likely.
It doesn't quite affect me. Not as yet it seems and I do quite enjoy my newfound solitude. In fact,in a way, it does feel like how I wanted or envision my life during my youth- to be a financially independent woman with my own home and my own world when I grow up. So having my own home and living faraway from home, there are no compelling factors to want to get hitched quickly- I have already achieved having my own property and a roof over my head. Hopefully there will be more properties to come, with or without a partner. With DL having the other property, I almost feel myself heave a sigh of relief that our separation didn't leave him empty-handed. In fact, he got something far more valuable than I did and a business we built thanks to the largess of our families where the world is indeed his oyster...
In a way, I have always had a "provider" mentality and I reckon, that kept me "committed" (in my warped, polygamous way) to keep our relationship going for more than a decade. Subconsciously, I wanted to see "results", so to speak that he would get somewhere financially stable before I could let him be on his own, just like the way an overly protective mother hand holds her child and build a safety net to catch him if he falls...
Despite growing up with much social ambitions where I made the effort to work the social circuit, I always loved being alone for the most part. Even as a teen, I was fond of taking a bus into town where I would eat alone and shop alone because I truly enjoy my own company. My only fear was not having enough pocket money. When I got older, I basked in the delight of travelling solo and embarking on my own little adventures....
I am still one and the same person all these years. And my only fear too is not making enough money to feed my hungry soul for all things fine and beautiful and to save the world like I hope I can and leave a mark before I pass on from this world.
"You are always in your own world..." DL always said during an argument or a discussion turned tensed. The Old Boy and perhaps a few others tell me about my self-centredness, being so difficult as a person and high maintenance as a girlfriend of sorts.
So there, as I fast approach age 34, I don't see how much more easy-going I will get. I acknowledge the fact that I am fussy since I was a child and I have my own idiosyncracies that may hard for some to put up. Joint living and sharing my life with someone was never quite my thing, just like how some people could never relate to parenthood. And for as long as I live in this one-bedroom townhouse, I have decided there will be no room for two people to co-exist (except for friends or family visiting for the short term, of course). Just me and my dog. How I like it.
Ever heard of good fences make good neighbours? I am of the belief, too that a bigger house will drown out any noises or keep a couple from cramming each other's personal space and spark any unncessary tension. That is why I always like living in a bigger property with more rooms so my partner and I could get out of each other's way...
Now that I have my tiny abode to myself, it feels like I have finally found my haven and I intend to keep it this way for a long time to come. No more excuses about my underperformance or delays. Finally, I can focus on me.
