Restructure- on your own terms

A post dated last week on Australia, 26th January 2015. Location: Xiamen, China

                                                                       *******

It is now 2015. So here I am aged 36. I must have keep this blog for a good 8 or 9 years now.

As I write to you, I am sitting on my bed in a hotel room alone with no windows. It is now 6:25am. I am in Xiamen, a lovely coastal city in the Southern part of China.

My heart is heavy. In fact, I am typing as we speak through my tear stained eyes. How many times have I teared since I arrive less than two days ago, I have since lost count...

You may wonder what the purpose of my visit is. I am supposedly here to spend time with my turning-to-be 21 year old boyfriend, Bull Face of more than a year. However, he is nowhere to be found next to me at the moment and mostly incommunicado even when he is around. I have not have a kiss since we arrived and as I was about to get into some bedtime action after blowing his dick the other early morning, I noticed I was getting my period. And that's when everything stopped. He has a problem with "hygiene" so to speak. What are the chances of your truly getting period twice a month? So as you can see, I get nothing and will get nothing for the rest of my one week trip here as my brown discharge turns to a horribly red period. Ironically, in Bull's absence, the sanitary pad I wore remains as clean as an unused pad the entire day. Someone Up There must be pulling my leg! Or is it to test him?

I came with a mission to know. You see, I love him. My young China boy so much that I would like to marry him and take him away from where he is to lead a new life of better opportunities and to provide him with a new platform and social circle to help him achieve a higher standing. And some of you know that I have a fear for marriage. I was with DL all these 12 years , a man whom I loved imperfectly and made sacrifices for and he whom did loved me with all his heart, forgave my misgivings time and again until his burdened and weary heart could do no more but yet I could not commit in signing on the dotted line? And now a turning 21year old boy that I have a long distance relationship over the last 15 months? Someone with a 15 year age gap, a different culture, education and social background? My caring friends have asked me to thread carefully and so has DL, whom is still a very much part of my daily life. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of his sadness like he feels I am fast making a mistake to want marriage and I know only because he felt my young boy does not love me enough. DL knows me inside out  and I know exactly what he is thinking- he puts my welfare before his own feelings. DL is happily attached now to Ally who moved in with him less than 3 months into their relationship. He is content and happy with this laid back and easy going girlfriend after dating the High maintenance high school friend, Poison Ivy whom despite her cool, confident and good looks as well as a stellar career in banking at the Managing Director level, she had the all the hang ups of an insecure and jealous woman. DL had to block me from Facebook and Whatsapp to appease her, only that we were still constantly catching up and me hanging out at his waterfront apartment all these while unbeknownst to her. Of course, there was no hanky panky business between DL and I. We enjoy our talk about anything under the sun from our long distance relationship woes to our observations of life and sometimes by just saying nothing, the company was just therapeutic and I spent many weekends napping on his couch.

Sorry I have just digressed. I meant to tell you for the purpose of my visit. So here I am in Xiamen. I have packed a stack of documents that I need time to discuss with my boy, Bull to arrange for the application of his tourist visa to Australia. Given that I will be required to sponsor him over for the 3- month stay in Australia as my fiancé, we need to get organised with a large number of documentation to back up the applications from bank statements, invitation letters, his employer's letters, payslips, evidence of family ties etc etc etc. All just for a holiday. And to apply for a spouse visa, the application is laborious and stringent at best. I have paid good money to consult a migration consultant on securing him permanent stay in Australia and given our age gap and vast differences in backgrounds, the odds are stacked against us as it could potentially appear to the Australian Immigration Department that our relationship is a sham. There is an anticipation of more interviews and checks under that as our relationship would be subjected to utmost scrutiny. So what it really means is that I need to pump out more money to get a migration consultant to work on my case to maximise our success rate.  Hence, before I embark on this arduous journey, only to face more challenges with my family ( potential threat to disown me for the scandal of marrying a China boy whom my folks is likely to accuse him of having an ulterior motive on our family wealth), I need to know if he is worth it. His growing lackluster behaviour is already manifesting the answer that I have been fearing...

A couple of months ago, I flew him to Shanghai as I had a window of 2 days over there for work.  As usual, I had introduced him to the bigwigs and my mentor that he is my boyfriend whom everyone knew. Prior, I had a 5-day intensive business meetings with some of the more prominent businessmen in that part of Guangzhou. I have been the Golden Girl who brought in the deal. I spent a good year and a bit working towards this and finally things came together one fine day when I got that special call. I was thrilled and so was my mentor. If we pulled off the negotiations, my cut just from this minus the amount of stock that I could get to market would be enough seed money to start setting me up for the rest of my life. I can then quit my day job as a Recruitment Consultant.

I have explicitly mentioned to my mentor that I plan to marry Bull in 2015 but given the family and social hurdles I have to cross after, I need to position myself in my career to stand on my own and then assist my Bull Face so that my parents could at least feel at peace with what they will seem as an " irrational and imperfect" relationship arrangement...

As the Golden Girl who brought in the deal, during that trip, I was given a few surprises. First off, I was given a piece of agriculture land as a show of my mentors' recognition for hard work. In a couple of years, I will be getting a passive income stream from my organic produce on this farm let. Then I was told that I have been given a particular registration to make me a qualified investment migration consultant in this South Pacific country that will increase my consulting income stream. Lastly, on the final leg of the trip in Shanghai, my mentor sat me down with Bull Face on my side and announced that he has made me one of the Directors for our newly set up international real estate company. I will get the lion share of the profits for specializing in the Asian markets. I finally made it.

I returned to Sydney with all the excitement and adrenalin rush from feeling a sense of my victory in my career. All my years of working hard and fighting to get somewhere is finally taking shape, although there is still much challenging times ahead. I remembered Mr London as the symbol and epitome of my social aspirations and hunger for success. I wanted to be good enough for him. My initial social ambitions as a teenager has bore from the mere fact that I felt I was lacking. We were born on exactly the same day except he was born with a platinum spoon in his mouth and I was born with a mere silver spoon. He was a scion of a prominent family in Singapore, went to the best school, tall, dark and handsome with a shy, quiet demeanor. I wanted to be good enough for him...

Shanghai was okay for work but the 2 nights with Bull was a disaster. I fought with him with intensity as I could not take his usual, cold , aloofness. The sad thing is my screaming matches to get to him always remained one sided as he remained cool and calm. I was suffering and still allowing myself to suffer... I just wanted him to love me and to show me some loving and care. What is so hard about that, I often asked emphatically. Love is an international language from the heart. And each time, I get into a fight I am reminded of DL. Now I am beginning to feel him and finally getting a bitter taste of the medicine I once served DL in my self-indulgent way like my young, moody beau.

So I came back to Australia feeling an "imperfection" in my life. All is great BUT my relationship which in the worst of circumstances, if my work is not keeping me busy and challenged, the suffering I feel has a debilitating effect on my emotional and mental health. But I thought with me on an all time career high, nothing could faze me until...

That Sunday, after 2 nights in Sydney from my week long China trip, I finally got home to Sad Town. Sitting at my desk working away on my laptop, I saw a flash on my Facebook mobile messenger on my phone. I caught a glimpse of a message from my old time buddy, Harry. " hey, have you heard the news? Mr London has passed away..." Followed by a news link.

I tried clicking on the link but for the longest time I had technical issues on my Facebook mobile messenger and could not access it to open up my inbox. Just as I was about to access my Facebook on my laptop, the laptop went completely dead! It took me a good 7- 8 minutes to finally turn on my laptop. I read the news. It was a high profile case on the local news for the next few days. It was a tragic car accident in Kuala Lumpur. He just won a drag race and was getting back into town on his heavily modified Porsche 911. The car skidded( he could have been speeding) on the expressway  and the 20m meter metal divider pierced into his drivers side and impaled him, pinning him and his passenger down. They would have died rather instantly and it took more than an hour for five medical officers to cut through the metal and get the bodies out...

I was speechless beyond words and could not stop crying. My grief extended beyond words.

On the very week where I thought I made it, Mr London being my benchmark, the same week he left the world.

When I was younger, I often mused about the fact of how we were born on the same day with such different backgrounds, where would our lives take us in this life journey? What would we do when we grow up?

                     *******
In July 2014, I dreamt of Mr London. We have not spoken in years. But at least twice a year, Mr London would creep up in my dream to remind me of his presence.

After eight years of obsessing, being infatuated and being in love with him, and then making a conscious decision to let him go after our futile two consecutive nights of working in silence along the Champs Élysées in Paris in October 2004 when he looked me up whilst I worked as a Fashion Intern, I thought I have got over him. Except each time, he comes back in my dreams to haunt me, I wake up being  emotionally affected for a good day or so to remind me that I was still lacking and still not good enough for him.

So in that fateful July 2014, a Saturday, I decided to send him a wechat message not expecting a reply.

I asked him how he was. Hours later, he replied to say  he was okay , could be better. Which sounded to me like he wasn't doing too fine despite whatever fame and fortune he has.

I asked if he was married to the love of his life( a Thai nightclub singer he has been with for a good seven years now and whom his family greatly opposed to this socially unacceptable relationship- I can't decide his situation is worse or mine with the Bull Face). He said no but they have a son which was news to me since I have seen no pictures on Facebook that suggested they have a baby( ironically on this same day, I finally saw a pic of this child who looks like a good 3 to 4 years old tagged by a friend whom him and his partner had high tea with). I congratulated him on being a dad. He asked if I was married. No, I said but with a boy much younger.

Mr London mentioned he felt old already... He sounded like he had a weary and burdened heart.

Then I mentioned to him about something he had asked from me 12 years ago which I didn't send it to him. It was my photo, I liked him so much then I was afraid I would get disappointed if nothing eventuate so I did nothing. But I held that memory so close to my heart and every so often, I carefully entertained a shadow of that thought of what if I did send him that picture...

I decided to take courage this instance and sent him my picture. 12 years overdue but better to be late than never I said to him. He reminded me of my youth and I told him I hope this picture would remind him of Youth and for him to stay young at heart.

Mr London replied he missed those (young) days ...

That was the last we spoken and I felt a relief of sending that picture like I have given myself some form of closure.

So when the news came of his passing and I had another call from Teddy from Singapore if I heard the news, I was grateful we spoken 4 months before his tragic accident.

Often I ponder about his words... Feeling old already. He said the same when we turned 25 and said feeling old already as he was now a quarter of a century old.

Well, I guess not old enough to die at aged 35. If there was anything comforting, he died the same day he won his race. He led a larger than life life despite his quiet demeanor. He owned a string of successful nightclubs and loved music ( I remember him going to the now long gone Chua Chu Huat CD shop at Far East Plaza), he was an avid fan of motoring sports and got to race before he died in exotic cars and he loved playing snooker and spent much time entering and winning competitions. Most importantly, he left his love a child that they have created and she would always have something of his and their own in his memory...

                         ****
On the day of the cremation, I heard that as his mourners moved out of the cathedral and with his hearse heading to the crematorium around 3pm or so, a heavy downpour followed. It was a long time since Singapore has had such heavy rain. It was like the Gods cried out for him and subsequently, pictures of rainbows all around Singapore was sighted and posted on his Facebook. An angel was borne.

In private, I grieved at my Australian Eastern Standard time at 6pm. I was as usual one of the last 2 persons standing in the office. A void and an ache in my heart. I didn't dare go home for fear of the loneliness and my dark thoughts and what I could potentially do to myself...

                  ***
The night before an intrusive thought got me. Given my long victorious but tiring business trip from China, the imperfect relationship with Bull Face that remained somewhat unresolved when we parted in Shanghai followed by the blow of Mr London's death and back to the office with a demanding pile of work, I suddenly got into a panic attack on a still quiet night when I recalled a condition on my wrist that had remained unresolved( my heartbeat quickens now with that thought so I better skimp through this bit quickly), I started walking up and down the house in panic circles and close to getting a sharp object to self harm. I wanted to get out of my house quickly as the claustrophobia was getting the better of me. It was close to 11pm at night and I had no place to go and definitely in no state to drive my car in the dark.

I picked up my phone and the only person I could think of ringing sadly wasn't Bull Face. I dialed for DL and must have disrupted him and his girlfriend's sleep. He talked me through and I pleaded for him to stay on the line with me as I felt I was clinging onto him for my life literally. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I knew he could not come out to see me( much as I hoped he could). When I finally calmed down a little, I told him to go to bed as I was conscious of disturbing him.

It was the darkest day in my life.

I thought those days were over except it crept back with so much magnitude that was enough to crash me.

I came to a further layer of realization  on how a few series of events has such an emotional impact to hit me and obliterate all the good work of my life that I thought I was working towards as a pillar of strength in keeping with me motivated to lead a fulfilling life, with or without a life partner.

I decided to seek professional help as I knew I needed some expert advice to cope with greater, exciting challenges ahead of me and an independent person to check on me.

                      *******
The dawn of a new era. A life chapter is closed. I did make it. But my symbol of success is dead.

I am on my own now and I guess success is how one makes it, isn't it?

So here I am in Xiamen. As I flew here from Sydney on Malaysian Airlines, I had a good 7 hours' of stopover time in Kuala Lumpur Airport. I was reminded of Mr London's death place.

Then on the night when I arrived, with my boyfriend, Bull Face away at someone's wedding, I wandered around aimlessly on the shopping streets. I picked up a lace sweater on the side rack to have a good look and the name of his nightclub was imprinted on the front of the sweater flashed boldly before my eyes to yet remind me of him. That night, I got a little lost and ended up in the hotel that his family's hotel group owns. It was the first 5-star hotel built in Xiamen back in the 1990s. I looked up at the tall building with the bright corporation hotel logo and silently paid tribute to him. I will be back home in Singapore soon and then I will finally make it to pay him tribute at his grave.

It's a new era for me. The ghost of Mr London in my life has finally been laid to rest.

Here I am in Xiamen to face another love challenge to decide on my next steps in 2015  and to make a life decision .

I pray to the Universe to give me strength if I need to make a right and sad decision and whatever it is, I hope I will find peace in the decision that I will make by the end of the trip.

Ironically, at the Sydney Duty Free, I impulsively picked up a pair of Gucci rings for the Bull Face and me. The only nice thing he did was upon receiving the present, he had asked to help me put on my ring. Mine was a tad big and he had cautioned me not to lose it. I haven't been wearing it for fear of losing it but Bull Face has been wearing his ring since...

2015 is my mission to love myself and work towards the path of self love and happiness.

Wish me luck.

Looking at his Facebook picture on his birthday today reminded me that not long ago we kissed...

It was that catalyst that finally led to the break up of my wood rotting relationship with DL. And of course, a series of life-changing domino-effect consequences to my life which led to the loss of my business, our second home and more to an angry, sad and bitter DL for at least a good six months after.  He was unconsolable and I was left feeling empty and wanted this sad, sad episode in my life to be over and something else for me to hang on to. I didn't know whether to feel hope from having been given such a convenient escape route out of my trapped life or despair for losing almost everything overnight that I had planned for DL and me for years where I did my hard yards and invested emotionally and financially to the business of my relationship . At this stage, of course, my relationship with DL was a house of cards waiting to crumble and he happened to turn up at the right place and time to trigger the chain of events. Perhaps no one but my good self was to be blamed...

I wished him a Happy Birthday as my phone sent me a Facebook reminder. I might well be the first one to post a birthday greeting on his wall given that I am two hours ahead of his time.

I felt nothing. No residual emotions. Nothing. The memory of that kiss and our brief encounter is slowly fading from my sensory remembrance. Although I could recall the sequence of that night, I cannot feel that moment in the deep recesses of my mind. I wish him well- he seemed to be leading a fulfilled life, slowly coming to one with his life purpose.

I know I have let go, as with all other memories and past encounters with short term lovers and flings. Ironically, I never thought that this day would come for me to say "including the Old Boy". But I must admit I have.

My use of time have become more precious as life presents me with new challenges and fresh beginnings, post my separation from DL (although ironically, we are still very much in each other's lives despite having moved on and we have each found ourselves another boyfriend/girlfriend). Since then, my life felt like I have given a new leash of life and a breath of fresh air. A whole new life of adventures await me ahead.

Exactly.

The authorities contacted me.

Exactly.

Who would have guess I could feel the way I do now?

Serendipituously, I met someone who used to be your bird of feather.

Except it is someone with a heart who gave me the tricks of your trade.

So too with that, the memory of you is no more real...

Oh Boogeyman, you seem light years away.