Saturday, July 07, 2007
Heartbeat
The other day, the Old Boy and I got spontaneous. I was in a good mood for some reason. I started sharing with him the pictures of some of my grey arrangements and flings which I managed to find on the internet (since I never personally keep anyone’s pictures as a rule of thumb).
It has been a while since both of us caught up, what with both our work and lots happening in his personal life. That day turned out to be such great fun as I found one picture after another to show him. The next day, he started sharing pictures of his grey arrangements and lovers. Most of them young chicks that he have had some good fun with in threes or twos. He cautioned (as usual, self-consciously) that I should not be too critical of their looks and pre-empted each time in his email before I could open up the attachments that I might not “approve” of this one or that one. (Well, I wonder if we’re ever going to repeat that given that we fell out yesterday because as usual, I “upset” him yet again with what he called my “self-righteousness” as I called him a liar.)
He made comments on the appearance of each of the man. One looking too “uppy”, M being too skinny, the “Aura” having a face too long (?!), surprisingly he found Nano's European looks not bad-looking (?!) and Ted not as “unattractive” looking as I had earlier hinted to him. He had the hardest time guessing which one amongst a group of golfers as I was too self-conscious to point it out to him outright. (He was praying for me the darnest that Ted was not the man in the striped polo shirt in the front who looked like he was in his 50s.) You see, B just saw Ted’s picture and then she shook her head at me disapprovingly. Then there was Nano who once remarked that Ted looked “ugly as shit” and was perhaps disappointed that I had been with Ted instead of him.
I told B as I confessed with the Old Boy a while ago that I reckon I have a secret fantasy to date(by popular consent) a not very good –looking man because it must make someone’s day (I don’t see myself as absolutely gorgeous but again, I know my good value. It must be that servitude in me once again. Heh!). I asked the Old Boy if he could tell why I have this complex alhough I have no lack of self-confidence in my appearance.
Anyhow, Old boy asked if I had any “cheena-looking” boyfriend to show him. I said DL and the pilot loh! They’re both Chinese (and actually so is Ted). He said at least the Pilot has nice features (so I read that he meant not too good looking Chinese guys) but he could not comment on DL since he hasn’t seen him.
I kept prodding him about what he thought of M, my Beautiful Boy.
*****
When I chanced upon that pic of M on his facebook, my heart skipped a beat.
The thought of meeting him again now is enough to give me tingles down my spine and goosebumps on my skin.
I don’t know why M still has this effect on me.
I reckon to be able to see my beautiful boy again is enough to bring tears to my eyes.
Looking at his picture or a jolt of his memory never fails to make me sigh.
I wonder if I’ll forever be haunted by the ghost of his memory and that shadow of his smile.
*****
Just before, I logged onto my friendster. I went to view my buddy, Harry’s profile as he has posted some new photos.
Then, I saw a group pic. There he was- that Dr. Jekyll & Hyde.
My heart too skipped a beat.
Recently, I’ve secretly been thinking of him every so often.
That personal injury he has done me continues to haunt me. It still hurt for me to have to view him likewise as a person and I am still haunted by the night at St.James.
I know its my ego and I can’t help it since weight has always been something that I have always been conscious about and every so often, I re-examine myself and introduce sporadic diet or exercise regimes to get over me.
My dosage has been maxed, food intake cut down, just short of exercising enough apart from the once a week group training boxing and fitness session with the trainer where I take a breather from work during lunchtime.
I don’t know why he still has that hold over me.
I reckon I always knew that I could have fallen for him if not for that fateful night where his lack of lucidity gave him away.
It must be a blessing in disguise for me, isn’t it?
I wonder why fate did the same for me with M at Paris and then at the last minute decide to take it back from me just so that I could love him harder and be haunted by those bitter sweet memories in Singapore?
Sigh, why do I still suffer from the classic "love" symptons of the quickening of the heartbeat?
I thought with the rise in my self-confidence over the course of the years, the refinement of my persona from my accumulated "worldliness", not to mention those years of grilling from life's challenges would have been enough for me to be less fragile and leave me no room for having soft spots for less deserving or deserving types alike?
Quoting B's usual words of changing her own persona/ mindset, I think I need a computer reboot of my emotional hardware...
The other day, the Old Boy and I got spontaneous. I was in a good mood for some reason. I started sharing with him the pictures of some of my grey arrangements and flings which I managed to find on the internet (since I never personally keep anyone’s pictures as a rule of thumb).
It has been a while since both of us caught up, what with both our work and lots happening in his personal life. That day turned out to be such great fun as I found one picture after another to show him. The next day, he started sharing pictures of his grey arrangements and lovers. Most of them young chicks that he have had some good fun with in threes or twos. He cautioned (as usual, self-consciously) that I should not be too critical of their looks and pre-empted each time in his email before I could open up the attachments that I might not “approve” of this one or that one. (Well, I wonder if we’re ever going to repeat that given that we fell out yesterday because as usual, I “upset” him yet again with what he called my “self-righteousness” as I called him a liar.)
He made comments on the appearance of each of the man. One looking too “uppy”, M being too skinny, the “Aura” having a face too long (?!), surprisingly he found Nano's European looks not bad-looking (?!) and Ted not as “unattractive” looking as I had earlier hinted to him. He had the hardest time guessing which one amongst a group of golfers as I was too self-conscious to point it out to him outright. (He was praying for me the darnest that Ted was not the man in the striped polo shirt in the front who looked like he was in his 50s.) You see, B just saw Ted’s picture and then she shook her head at me disapprovingly. Then there was Nano who once remarked that Ted looked “ugly as shit” and was perhaps disappointed that I had been with Ted instead of him.
I told B as I confessed with the Old Boy a while ago that I reckon I have a secret fantasy to date(by popular consent) a not very good –looking man because it must make someone’s day (I don’t see myself as absolutely gorgeous but again, I know my good value. It must be that servitude in me once again. Heh!). I asked the Old Boy if he could tell why I have this complex alhough I have no lack of self-confidence in my appearance.
Anyhow, Old boy asked if I had any “cheena-looking” boyfriend to show him. I said DL and the pilot loh! They’re both Chinese (and actually so is Ted). He said at least the Pilot has nice features (so I read that he meant not too good looking Chinese guys) but he could not comment on DL since he hasn’t seen him.
I kept prodding him about what he thought of M, my Beautiful Boy.
*****
When I chanced upon that pic of M on his facebook, my heart skipped a beat.
The thought of meeting him again now is enough to give me tingles down my spine and goosebumps on my skin.
I don’t know why M still has this effect on me.
I reckon to be able to see my beautiful boy again is enough to bring tears to my eyes.
Looking at his picture or a jolt of his memory never fails to make me sigh.
I wonder if I’ll forever be haunted by the ghost of his memory and that shadow of his smile.
*****
Just before, I logged onto my friendster. I went to view my buddy, Harry’s profile as he has posted some new photos.
Then, I saw a group pic. There he was- that Dr. Jekyll & Hyde.
My heart too skipped a beat.
Recently, I’ve secretly been thinking of him every so often.
That personal injury he has done me continues to haunt me. It still hurt for me to have to view him likewise as a person and I am still haunted by the night at St.James.
I know its my ego and I can’t help it since weight has always been something that I have always been conscious about and every so often, I re-examine myself and introduce sporadic diet or exercise regimes to get over me.
My dosage has been maxed, food intake cut down, just short of exercising enough apart from the once a week group training boxing and fitness session with the trainer where I take a breather from work during lunchtime.
I don’t know why he still has that hold over me.
I reckon I always knew that I could have fallen for him if not for that fateful night where his lack of lucidity gave him away.
It must be a blessing in disguise for me, isn’t it?
I wonder why fate did the same for me with M at Paris and then at the last minute decide to take it back from me just so that I could love him harder and be haunted by those bitter sweet memories in Singapore?
Sigh, why do I still suffer from the classic "love" symptons of the quickening of the heartbeat?
I thought with the rise in my self-confidence over the course of the years, the refinement of my persona from my accumulated "worldliness", not to mention those years of grilling from life's challenges would have been enough for me to be less fragile and leave me no room for having soft spots for less deserving or deserving types alike?
Quoting B's usual words of changing her own persona/ mindset, I think I need a computer reboot of my emotional hardware...
