Tuesday, September 09, 2008
The Gods are Smiling...
I returned back to Singapore late last night. Lots of stories to tell but so much things to work on now for my future. I return to the office this morning to work through the immediate tasks at hand, between looking for yoga schools and organising a spa party for a hen's night this week. I need to get my priorities right. At least for once.
Readers, I will try my best over the course of the weeks to tell the stories I meant to tell, from pre-Nepal to post-Nepal. I know some of you out there has been ever so loyal and patient, re-visiting a blog site that doesn't seemed to get updated very much. But you see, I was unfortunately stuck in the mountains due to bad weather with no flights back to Kathmandu for there (another interesting story to tell) and the internet connection was slow and expensive.
And yes, I did made it to Everest Base Camp and halfway up the Kalar Pattar, but no sight of Mount Everest during that climb due to bad weather.
Right now, here's a little story to share below.
Thank you for all your patience. :D
****
Since my trip in Nepal, I really believe in the existence of karmic imprints in one's life, brought over by different previous lifetimes over. The people whom I have crossed paths with and parted ways, there must be a result of my actions in past lives, the resonating remnants spilled over to this lifetime for us to interact in certain ways.
This trip has settled me somewhat. The monastery was a place where I first was given the knowledge to make better sense why and how things were the way it was in my life. Then the pilgrimage up the Everest Base Camp did me in, but in a good way.
Being stuck in Luk-less Land settled the score for me. My perspective of life unwittingly has become altered somewhat. I feel myself undergoing this metamorphosis, coming to terms with the condition of my errant life, slowly letting go and making peace within myself.
It hasn't quite change my emotions or sentimentality for some; I am still me but it's me veering towards a strangely calming persona.
**
So my stopover trip in Bangkok for the weekend didn't happen.
As mentioned above, I was stuck in the mountains and missed my flight.
Serendipitiously, I didn't book a hotel and Big M's business trip in that busy city didn't actualise. The political action over there is something I could miss at the moment. No lost love for me; neither did I want to feel obliged to fuck Big M if he happened to be there. Perfect arrangement.
Wrote him a one-liner today about being back and how was his weekend.
He replied and mentioned about having to fly to London for work tonight and will catch me in two weeks, ok?
Maybe, maybe not. Looks like I am about to organise flights and jump onto the plane to be back in Sad Town again anytime soon. Work, opportunities and a new life beckon.
**
I saw Nano online today.
I checked with him his estimated date of arrival to Singapore for the Formula One race.Then I inquired if he was still wanting to come over to stay over at my house and I needed to get organised as we have discussed about his wanting to stayover pre-Nepal.
He replied that he wasn't sure. Gotta ask the girlfriend to see if she would let me, he said.
You got a girlfriend now? I asked. Part relieved, I was thinking then it was a good excuse for him to not have to stay. Again, I was previously fathoming how he could have stayed over without having him excited with high expectations to seal the previously unsealed deal with me. Post our foreplay, he always mentioned that he started developing a pre-deliction towards Chinese females.
Chinese, he said. He meant his new girlfriend. Then he said he had to go home for lunch and to lie down and abruptly logged off, his usual 12 noon way.
Nano just turned 30 on Sunday. In fact, I forgot (and I am not one to forget birthdays of lovers and flings or people for that matter).
I don't know why but I grinned. I left a little legacy there for Nano.
I didn't find myself ego bruised or anything like that. Just slightly amused at its timeliness.
Left him a message after to say that please do not feel obliged to stay at my house (given changes in circumstances) but let's definitely catch up when he is in town. It would be great!
It's been a little more than a year since Nano left my house and the last I saw of him. But it was the dawn of the beginning of what was to come for me, the crumbling of my nerves that paved the way for my break up with DL.
How time flies. One year on, I didn't realise I could be this indifferent and relieved that I didn't have to feel compelled (by my ego) to do my for-the-destination checkbox tick off the list of my fuck wishlist. I did sensed before that we were both intended on finishing off what we didn't quite complete the last time. Us, in the form of carrot baits for each other, still dangles closely before our very noses.
I didn't like adding on to my numbers but I did fancy closing him off as the last one on my deal sheet.
But that's all come to past.
Thank Buddha.
Nano used to say that I was more than a friend to him but no matter what, we were friends first.
So friends we will be.
**
I texted the Koran and a few other friends this evening past 9pm to mention that I am back from my grand trip.
Minutes later, I received a message where he mentioned that he was knocking off work and asked if it was possible for us to meet quickly in about 20 minutes at the coffee shop outside my house.
Of course, I mentioned.
We met. I talked a little about my trip, plans going forward and him about his work. Initially, he looked a little awkward and then he warmed up.
During the course my conversation attempting to describe my trials and tribulations at the mountains, we were interrupted by a phone call for him, to which he got up quickly, excused himself and said he had to take the call.
It was all good for me and I sensed that perhaps it must be that new special girl?
He returned to mention that he had to go off really soon as his mum was on the way from his grandma's house and will pick him up at the nearby MRT station.
No worries, I said.
Then towards the end, we started talking about his possible temporary posting to work in the Middle East and he brought up a topic about his “personal life”.
It suddenly made sense for me.
The Koran came to see me with an agenda. He had news for me.
He is now seeing a new girl.
Vaguely, he mumbled about it being the first time that...
and I continued that it might be somewhat more serious?
But he was quick to say not so much so and qualified about it being more like trying for a long distance relationship.
I smiled at him and kindly cited about my ex-boyfriend, DL and I previously being in a long distance relationship in a long time, it's not that bad.
I meant to advise that the heart would overlook barriers as such but instead decided, I was probably not the best person to proffer him any emotional advice of sorts and given our joint past, it may well be deemed inappropriate.
Today was his call to probably set the record straight on the table and he wanted to get his words off his chest. And voila, he delivered his intended news.
Was that what he came to tell me? I meant to ask but thought the wiser to let it slide, lest he misconstrued that I took his personal update as an affront with his polite attempts at honesty.
I smiled at him, being reminded that earlier today, I was too served the news by Nano that he has a new girlfriend.
Two “ego-bruising” news in one day or what one might call a double whammy.
Well, maybe three since I got the sense from a previous email by Big M whilst I was still in Nepal that the honeymoon in the exotic safaris of Africa did work some magic with him and his wife.
But I was smiling and still smiling.
I didn't feel any desirous attachment bore out of my Ego to hold on and on to what I would normally termed my “defeat”. Instead, I quietly wish that things would work out for him.
No, my face certainly didn't burnt in embarrassment of any sorts. I took the news in a peaceful and positive way.
Koran and I were after all of the kindred spirit and I did hope he is having a great time.
Koran once wrote to me that no matter how our story ended, we would always be friends.
Yes, I think so too.
Koran always reminded me of my own guilt- me previously having not do the right thing by him despite him having been quite a sweet boy.
I once told him the story of M and me, his re-visit of me in Singapore post the Paris affair. Koran said I scared M away, that was what happened.
Did I? I asked.
Another time, he said I sounded like a man when I gave my take on relationships.
Maybe he is right. Well, to some extent.
Ah well, at least I think I make a better friend than a girlfriend or lover girlfriend.
And good thing is, friends could have a better chance of lasting forever.
****
Today, I woke up from my nap with a sudden insatiable impulse and urge to fuck.
The sensation past after a few seconds.
Then I remembered that I haven't been in so much carnal want for so long.
It was mainly a result of that emotional and mental barrier to fantasize about fucking I experienced post my shaken nerves with the Old Boy. My love for him formed an impediment to any physical desires I had of other people, imaginary or real.
I stopped wanting to be polygamous with the Koran, Nano and even up till now, with Big M. It was too hard to bear and then there was also the reminder of guilt of how I lost the Old Boy, through my supposed “infidelity” or was it really polygamy?
Even playing with toys proved to get more challenging by the day with one part of my now limited imagination confined to only making love to the Old Boy and the other part of me, wanting to negate any thoughts I suffered of the Old Boy, which meant cutting out any fantasies and and inevitably, forms of sexual foreplays I would perform on myself.
Maybe that was the good thing that came out of this heart wrenching experience. Abstinence of sexual misconduct.
Today, I realised something.
My mental intimacy checklist running.
Last man I fucked- Koran.
Last man I sucked- the Old Boy.
Last man I touched- Big M.
Geez, my last fuck and suck happened more than six months ago.
My karma seems to be working in spiritual favour for me.
I must have done something right somewhere in Nepal, given the timeliness of the state of affairs.
I hope at least, with my inactions voluntary and involuntary, I should be accumulating some merit here for a less painful next life.
The gods must be smiling now.
I returned back to Singapore late last night. Lots of stories to tell but so much things to work on now for my future. I return to the office this morning to work through the immediate tasks at hand, between looking for yoga schools and organising a spa party for a hen's night this week. I need to get my priorities right. At least for once.
Readers, I will try my best over the course of the weeks to tell the stories I meant to tell, from pre-Nepal to post-Nepal. I know some of you out there has been ever so loyal and patient, re-visiting a blog site that doesn't seemed to get updated very much. But you see, I was unfortunately stuck in the mountains due to bad weather with no flights back to Kathmandu for there (another interesting story to tell) and the internet connection was slow and expensive.
And yes, I did made it to Everest Base Camp and halfway up the Kalar Pattar, but no sight of Mount Everest during that climb due to bad weather.
Right now, here's a little story to share below.
Thank you for all your patience. :D
****
Since my trip in Nepal, I really believe in the existence of karmic imprints in one's life, brought over by different previous lifetimes over. The people whom I have crossed paths with and parted ways, there must be a result of my actions in past lives, the resonating remnants spilled over to this lifetime for us to interact in certain ways.
This trip has settled me somewhat. The monastery was a place where I first was given the knowledge to make better sense why and how things were the way it was in my life. Then the pilgrimage up the Everest Base Camp did me in, but in a good way.
Being stuck in Luk-less Land settled the score for me. My perspective of life unwittingly has become altered somewhat. I feel myself undergoing this metamorphosis, coming to terms with the condition of my errant life, slowly letting go and making peace within myself.
It hasn't quite change my emotions or sentimentality for some; I am still me but it's me veering towards a strangely calming persona.
**
So my stopover trip in Bangkok for the weekend didn't happen.
As mentioned above, I was stuck in the mountains and missed my flight.
Serendipitiously, I didn't book a hotel and Big M's business trip in that busy city didn't actualise. The political action over there is something I could miss at the moment. No lost love for me; neither did I want to feel obliged to fuck Big M if he happened to be there. Perfect arrangement.
Wrote him a one-liner today about being back and how was his weekend.
He replied and mentioned about having to fly to London for work tonight and will catch me in two weeks, ok?
Maybe, maybe not. Looks like I am about to organise flights and jump onto the plane to be back in Sad Town again anytime soon. Work, opportunities and a new life beckon.
**
I saw Nano online today.
I checked with him his estimated date of arrival to Singapore for the Formula One race.Then I inquired if he was still wanting to come over to stay over at my house and I needed to get organised as we have discussed about his wanting to stayover pre-Nepal.
He replied that he wasn't sure. Gotta ask the girlfriend to see if she would let me, he said.
You got a girlfriend now? I asked. Part relieved, I was thinking then it was a good excuse for him to not have to stay. Again, I was previously fathoming how he could have stayed over without having him excited with high expectations to seal the previously unsealed deal with me. Post our foreplay, he always mentioned that he started developing a pre-deliction towards Chinese females.
Chinese, he said. He meant his new girlfriend. Then he said he had to go home for lunch and to lie down and abruptly logged off, his usual 12 noon way.
Nano just turned 30 on Sunday. In fact, I forgot (and I am not one to forget birthdays of lovers and flings or people for that matter).
I don't know why but I grinned. I left a little legacy there for Nano.
I didn't find myself ego bruised or anything like that. Just slightly amused at its timeliness.
Left him a message after to say that please do not feel obliged to stay at my house (given changes in circumstances) but let's definitely catch up when he is in town. It would be great!
It's been a little more than a year since Nano left my house and the last I saw of him. But it was the dawn of the beginning of what was to come for me, the crumbling of my nerves that paved the way for my break up with DL.
How time flies. One year on, I didn't realise I could be this indifferent and relieved that I didn't have to feel compelled (by my ego) to do my for-the-destination checkbox tick off the list of my fuck wishlist. I did sensed before that we were both intended on finishing off what we didn't quite complete the last time. Us, in the form of carrot baits for each other, still dangles closely before our very noses.
I didn't like adding on to my numbers but I did fancy closing him off as the last one on my deal sheet.
But that's all come to past.
Thank Buddha.
Nano used to say that I was more than a friend to him but no matter what, we were friends first.
So friends we will be.
**
I texted the Koran and a few other friends this evening past 9pm to mention that I am back from my grand trip.
Minutes later, I received a message where he mentioned that he was knocking off work and asked if it was possible for us to meet quickly in about 20 minutes at the coffee shop outside my house.
Of course, I mentioned.
We met. I talked a little about my trip, plans going forward and him about his work. Initially, he looked a little awkward and then he warmed up.
During the course my conversation attempting to describe my trials and tribulations at the mountains, we were interrupted by a phone call for him, to which he got up quickly, excused himself and said he had to take the call.
It was all good for me and I sensed that perhaps it must be that new special girl?
He returned to mention that he had to go off really soon as his mum was on the way from his grandma's house and will pick him up at the nearby MRT station.
No worries, I said.
Then towards the end, we started talking about his possible temporary posting to work in the Middle East and he brought up a topic about his “personal life”.
It suddenly made sense for me.
The Koran came to see me with an agenda. He had news for me.
He is now seeing a new girl.
Vaguely, he mumbled about it being the first time that...
and I continued that it might be somewhat more serious?
But he was quick to say not so much so and qualified about it being more like trying for a long distance relationship.
I smiled at him and kindly cited about my ex-boyfriend, DL and I previously being in a long distance relationship in a long time, it's not that bad.
I meant to advise that the heart would overlook barriers as such but instead decided, I was probably not the best person to proffer him any emotional advice of sorts and given our joint past, it may well be deemed inappropriate.
Today was his call to probably set the record straight on the table and he wanted to get his words off his chest. And voila, he delivered his intended news.
Was that what he came to tell me? I meant to ask but thought the wiser to let it slide, lest he misconstrued that I took his personal update as an affront with his polite attempts at honesty.
I smiled at him, being reminded that earlier today, I was too served the news by Nano that he has a new girlfriend.
Two “ego-bruising” news in one day or what one might call a double whammy.
Well, maybe three since I got the sense from a previous email by Big M whilst I was still in Nepal that the honeymoon in the exotic safaris of Africa did work some magic with him and his wife.
But I was smiling and still smiling.
I didn't feel any desirous attachment bore out of my Ego to hold on and on to what I would normally termed my “defeat”. Instead, I quietly wish that things would work out for him.
No, my face certainly didn't burnt in embarrassment of any sorts. I took the news in a peaceful and positive way.
Koran and I were after all of the kindred spirit and I did hope he is having a great time.
Koran once wrote to me that no matter how our story ended, we would always be friends.
Yes, I think so too.
Koran always reminded me of my own guilt- me previously having not do the right thing by him despite him having been quite a sweet boy.
I once told him the story of M and me, his re-visit of me in Singapore post the Paris affair. Koran said I scared M away, that was what happened.
Did I? I asked.
Another time, he said I sounded like a man when I gave my take on relationships.
Maybe he is right. Well, to some extent.
Ah well, at least I think I make a better friend than a girlfriend or lover girlfriend.
And good thing is, friends could have a better chance of lasting forever.
****
Today, I woke up from my nap with a sudden insatiable impulse and urge to fuck.
The sensation past after a few seconds.
Then I remembered that I haven't been in so much carnal want for so long.
It was mainly a result of that emotional and mental barrier to fantasize about fucking I experienced post my shaken nerves with the Old Boy. My love for him formed an impediment to any physical desires I had of other people, imaginary or real.
I stopped wanting to be polygamous with the Koran, Nano and even up till now, with Big M. It was too hard to bear and then there was also the reminder of guilt of how I lost the Old Boy, through my supposed “infidelity” or was it really polygamy?
Even playing with toys proved to get more challenging by the day with one part of my now limited imagination confined to only making love to the Old Boy and the other part of me, wanting to negate any thoughts I suffered of the Old Boy, which meant cutting out any fantasies and and inevitably, forms of sexual foreplays I would perform on myself.
Maybe that was the good thing that came out of this heart wrenching experience. Abstinence of sexual misconduct.
Today, I realised something.
My mental intimacy checklist running.
Last man I fucked- Koran.
Last man I sucked- the Old Boy.
Last man I touched- Big M.
Geez, my last fuck and suck happened more than six months ago.
My karma seems to be working in spiritual favour for me.
I must have done something right somewhere in Nepal, given the timeliness of the state of affairs.
I hope at least, with my inactions voluntary and involuntary, I should be accumulating some merit here for a less painful next life.
The gods must be smiling now.
