Sunday, January 28, 2007
Yet another post
As you can tell, I must have had loads of time on my hand in humid Manila. Today is Sunday.
I have just finished puking from last night's overdrinking. Finally, letting some out. Boy, am I feeling somewhat better.
Having politely declined my hosts to have lunch with the in-laws, I am pretty much left to my own devices in this big spacious house where there are more cars than inhibitants and the hired helps are always at my service.
One particular big boy in question (from last night) has phoned the residence to pick me up for more fun tonight. He has found out from my hosts that I have lost my mobile phone and all my money. He feels bad. I told him that's cool (as always- what can I say right?).
*****
I was just re-reading Milos Sadik's blog entry, "Cunt" and the related comments and have noticed some comments debating about what distincts the identity of a "The Sarong Party Girl".
Heh, it all seems to heavy for a dilettante to get bogged down by. But it does makes me question part of my identity.
You see, most of my carnal experiences involve white men.
I suspect it has something to do with my need to compartmentalize my private, secret life from my joint wholesome life with DL. DL is as Chinese and traditional as a Chinese man could be. And although I love him, I am one fraught with the emotional inconsistences of a lover and I can be quite a horny bitch.
I think the choice of my infidelities deeply stems from wanting to make DL special and distinct him from the rest of the other guys that I have slept with. I rarely notice Asian guys, especially Chinese ones anymore. I don't know.
Then I also have this persona of east meets west.
Hmm, I am also thinking about my appearance. I do not have tanned skin- in fact, I shunned the sun for the most part and am fairer than the average Australian. I speak with an accent that comes naturally because I always had a somewhat neutral accent growing up and has been highly adaptable to cater to all beings from the gamut of Asian to Caucasian.
I do not shun my Chinese roots. In fact, I have a Bachelor degree in Chinese and am very proud to be bilingual. No yellow inferiority complex here.
Also, guess what? I am such a Buddhist and I am highly superstitious. No inclination to westernise myself here. Heh!
So I don't know where I belong. I notice that the caucasian men gravitate towards me more than the average Asian man and sometimes I wonder if I come across as too strong. I look dainty but am no damsel and perhaps that doesn't quite sit well with man who might have confidence issues. Once, they start talking to me, I give myself away that way. You see, I am also very upfront.
My flirtatiousness and playfulness have also been balanced off with my seriousness (especially when it comes to making money).
I just realised upon bantering with V that it takes a very confident man (barring DL who got lucky; heh) to want to seriously consider me.
You see, although I fit in well with the first wives' club (as I did so last night with the Manila social belles who spent much time discussing frivolous things like couteriers and celebrity make-up artistes), I find myself more comfortable sitting with the big boys talking about money-making plans and their investments. I once made it to the final round to become a stockbroker with four big men. You see, I was the only girl and I so wanted to challenge myself to be in that big battle ground and play and fight alongside with the big boys. I love to see how far I could stretch myself.
Ironically, I led a semi charmed life studying fashion designing from the fashion greats. But I have no interest in watching TV, fashion magazines to learn about the latest trends. I'm into my own style because I have my own philosophical ideas about fashion and its art form that I do not care to discuss with the average Jane. And after all, aren't the clothes I have acquired from the stores already a result of the mass production of the current season's fashion trends inspired by haute couture? Think I do not need to further succumb to my herd instincts.
Ok, yet another crap post that sounds like "look at me" and "it's about me", "I....". Think I better start thinking about what to wear and get ready for my date who had a field day sliding his hand between my legs last night in the chauffered 4wd where we sat in the middle row and I had my full length spreaded across, his fly unzipped and one buddy sitting in the last row and another at the passenger seat.
By the way, I don't foresee any hanky panky business re-enacting tonight.
As you can tell, I must have had loads of time on my hand in humid Manila. Today is Sunday.
I have just finished puking from last night's overdrinking. Finally, letting some out. Boy, am I feeling somewhat better.
Having politely declined my hosts to have lunch with the in-laws, I am pretty much left to my own devices in this big spacious house where there are more cars than inhibitants and the hired helps are always at my service.
One particular big boy in question (from last night) has phoned the residence to pick me up for more fun tonight. He has found out from my hosts that I have lost my mobile phone and all my money. He feels bad. I told him that's cool (as always- what can I say right?).
*****
I was just re-reading Milos Sadik's blog entry, "Cunt" and the related comments and have noticed some comments debating about what distincts the identity of a "The Sarong Party Girl".
Heh, it all seems to heavy for a dilettante to get bogged down by. But it does makes me question part of my identity.
You see, most of my carnal experiences involve white men.
I suspect it has something to do with my need to compartmentalize my private, secret life from my joint wholesome life with DL. DL is as Chinese and traditional as a Chinese man could be. And although I love him, I am one fraught with the emotional inconsistences of a lover and I can be quite a horny bitch.
I think the choice of my infidelities deeply stems from wanting to make DL special and distinct him from the rest of the other guys that I have slept with. I rarely notice Asian guys, especially Chinese ones anymore. I don't know.
Then I also have this persona of east meets west.
Hmm, I am also thinking about my appearance. I do not have tanned skin- in fact, I shunned the sun for the most part and am fairer than the average Australian. I speak with an accent that comes naturally because I always had a somewhat neutral accent growing up and has been highly adaptable to cater to all beings from the gamut of Asian to Caucasian.
I do not shun my Chinese roots. In fact, I have a Bachelor degree in Chinese and am very proud to be bilingual. No yellow inferiority complex here.
Also, guess what? I am such a Buddhist and I am highly superstitious. No inclination to westernise myself here. Heh!
So I don't know where I belong. I notice that the caucasian men gravitate towards me more than the average Asian man and sometimes I wonder if I come across as too strong. I look dainty but am no damsel and perhaps that doesn't quite sit well with man who might have confidence issues. Once, they start talking to me, I give myself away that way. You see, I am also very upfront.
My flirtatiousness and playfulness have also been balanced off with my seriousness (especially when it comes to making money).
I just realised upon bantering with V that it takes a very confident man (barring DL who got lucky; heh) to want to seriously consider me.
You see, although I fit in well with the first wives' club (as I did so last night with the Manila social belles who spent much time discussing frivolous things like couteriers and celebrity make-up artistes), I find myself more comfortable sitting with the big boys talking about money-making plans and their investments. I once made it to the final round to become a stockbroker with four big men. You see, I was the only girl and I so wanted to challenge myself to be in that big battle ground and play and fight alongside with the big boys. I love to see how far I could stretch myself.
Ironically, I led a semi charmed life studying fashion designing from the fashion greats. But I have no interest in watching TV, fashion magazines to learn about the latest trends. I'm into my own style because I have my own philosophical ideas about fashion and its art form that I do not care to discuss with the average Jane. And after all, aren't the clothes I have acquired from the stores already a result of the mass production of the current season's fashion trends inspired by haute couture? Think I do not need to further succumb to my herd instincts.
Ok, yet another crap post that sounds like "look at me" and "it's about me", "I....". Think I better start thinking about what to wear and get ready for my date who had a field day sliding his hand between my legs last night in the chauffered 4wd where we sat in the middle row and I had my full length spreaded across, his fly unzipped and one buddy sitting in the last row and another at the passenger seat.
By the way, I don't foresee any hanky panky business re-enacting tonight.
Retribution
I fell from grace last night. Don't even ask how. But I did. I was out with a bunch of big boys. You know the type who has all the contacts in their world to make your enterprising ambitions into reality. There are two types of businesses that I always want to go into- Food and Death. These boys are in the know. Serendipitiously.
But think I blew it. Don't even want to talk about it. I have given V the dirt and has publicly reprimanded myself so I think enough is enough.
Someone like me should never drink too much. Know why? Because I get horny!
Anyhow, by the time I was tugged into bed this morning, I still had the soberness to remind myself to set the alarm clock on my mobile phone. It was then that I realised that my mobile phone, all my Fillipino pesos amongst other things like my hair clip and the bow on one side of my new shoes (which I demanded the boys to fix it and they tried placating me that they would get me Ferragamos the next day) have all gone missing...
Think it's retribution and oh, I don't foresee the boys taking me out for a good time out tonight because we did some permanent damage there...
Ah well, I am more worried about replacing my mobile phone at this stage than anything else.
And I need to get back on my spiritual track...
I fell from grace last night. Don't even ask how. But I did. I was out with a bunch of big boys. You know the type who has all the contacts in their world to make your enterprising ambitions into reality. There are two types of businesses that I always want to go into- Food and Death. These boys are in the know. Serendipitiously.
But think I blew it. Don't even want to talk about it. I have given V the dirt and has publicly reprimanded myself so I think enough is enough.
Someone like me should never drink too much. Know why? Because I get horny!
Anyhow, by the time I was tugged into bed this morning, I still had the soberness to remind myself to set the alarm clock on my mobile phone. It was then that I realised that my mobile phone, all my Fillipino pesos amongst other things like my hair clip and the bow on one side of my new shoes (which I demanded the boys to fix it and they tried placating me that they would get me Ferragamos the next day) have all gone missing...
Think it's retribution and oh, I don't foresee the boys taking me out for a good time out tonight because we did some permanent damage there...
Ah well, I am more worried about replacing my mobile phone at this stage than anything else.
And I need to get back on my spiritual track...
Manila Reflection
One week into my holidays and I feel like I have been back in Asia for a long time. Note, for the
first time, my feel for the longevity of this one week period does not stem from my being bored or dread that one normally feels for having to sit out for a duration of time for something one is not inclined to do. Rather, it has something to do with my use of time.
First off, I have slept for an average of only 4 hours. In addition, I have developed the habit of not wearing a watch so I do not keep time. Confining social activities to no more than two girlfriends with flexibility of time also meant that I could rock up to meet them as and when I please. Hence, life is less hurried and has taken on a new meaning...
So having felt that my holidays have thus been stretched longer than my imagination of span could take me, I am still revelling in this mind and soul changing experience. I do not look forward to returning to work where a new set of challenges await me...
Now, that will be faced at another time in another place...
****
I have lots to fill my readers in on my well spent time for the one week. I am now in sunny Manila, living graciously in the best part of town in an island style retro home where I blog in the confines of a tastefully and yet spartanly decorated living room that overlooks a long and reflective pool. Again, as fashion and business bantering ensues within the fashion studio of the lady of the house and also at the dining table with the man of the house (another prominent society man in the property development and casino business), I felt once again in touch with my creative and entreprenuerial faculties.
Like I have earlier proposed to DL some one year ago, I think I could live in Manila. There is much money in that region to be made, Daddy, I would encourage.
Everyone I have met so far has been linked to everybody. So and so owned the entire village or mall or have street named after the family name.
Then I have been asked to go on a date by a socially respected real estate developer (which I have politely declined to do so one to one and hence I have the window period to be blogging before I head out to party tonight with my hosts) and there are also the brat packs (one with the face and aura of Random George and Malc) who offered to spend time with me on Sunday and asked when I was to return next and even considering a trip Down Under to visit.
****
Back to last Friday, B and I were back at the Chatterbox. She said she missed her chicken rice and I said I've got to finish the untouched Hokkien prawn mee from the year before with the big boys. You see, we were nostalgic.
Then B asked me the question.
"Say, if things doesn't work out for DL and yourself, do you suppose that the Big Boy is someone that is within your serious consideration?"
That was before the saga (notwithstanding its myopic-ness that fast escalated to something unexpected for both parties) .
"Why, of course."
And that was despite his Cassanova ways. I think I could make him quite happy if he could peel away that self-consciousness with me (as I came to realise has little variation from Dope's prior behaviour with me). I wonder what is it about my confidence that appears to have an unwitting impact on a man's self-esteem. I never meant to insult anyone's manhood. I am just being comfortable with myself. Is there something wrong?
*****
But now I know. I'll probably never make a good tai-tai as a doctor's or lawyer's wife.
I need an entreprenuerial partner like myself.
I'll never be that damsel the Big Boy seeks to feed his needy ego to be the Man.
Always living in a life of excesses as a laisseiz faire artist, I thrive on want and desires. Neediness is a sad and pathetic emotion.
Ironically, it is my masculine character that makes me wanting and being DL's damsel. Forever, I'll be his poor baby who is in constant want of his domestic attention and care where I could throw my girlish tantrums to wheedle a lullaby kiss or to carry me into our love bed when the going in that big sharkey world gets tough.
One week into my holidays and I feel like I have been back in Asia for a long time. Note, for the
first time, my feel for the longevity of this one week period does not stem from my being bored or dread that one normally feels for having to sit out for a duration of time for something one is not inclined to do. Rather, it has something to do with my use of time.
First off, I have slept for an average of only 4 hours. In addition, I have developed the habit of not wearing a watch so I do not keep time. Confining social activities to no more than two girlfriends with flexibility of time also meant that I could rock up to meet them as and when I please. Hence, life is less hurried and has taken on a new meaning...
So having felt that my holidays have thus been stretched longer than my imagination of span could take me, I am still revelling in this mind and soul changing experience. I do not look forward to returning to work where a new set of challenges await me...
Now, that will be faced at another time in another place...
****
I have lots to fill my readers in on my well spent time for the one week. I am now in sunny Manila, living graciously in the best part of town in an island style retro home where I blog in the confines of a tastefully and yet spartanly decorated living room that overlooks a long and reflective pool. Again, as fashion and business bantering ensues within the fashion studio of the lady of the house and also at the dining table with the man of the house (another prominent society man in the property development and casino business), I felt once again in touch with my creative and entreprenuerial faculties.
Like I have earlier proposed to DL some one year ago, I think I could live in Manila. There is much money in that region to be made, Daddy, I would encourage.
Everyone I have met so far has been linked to everybody. So and so owned the entire village or mall or have street named after the family name.
Then I have been asked to go on a date by a socially respected real estate developer (which I have politely declined to do so one to one and hence I have the window period to be blogging before I head out to party tonight with my hosts) and there are also the brat packs (one with the face and aura of Random George and Malc) who offered to spend time with me on Sunday and asked when I was to return next and even considering a trip Down Under to visit.
****
Back to last Friday, B and I were back at the Chatterbox. She said she missed her chicken rice and I said I've got to finish the untouched Hokkien prawn mee from the year before with the big boys. You see, we were nostalgic.
Then B asked me the question.
"Say, if things doesn't work out for DL and yourself, do you suppose that the Big Boy is someone that is within your serious consideration?"
That was before the saga (notwithstanding its myopic-ness that fast escalated to something unexpected for both parties) .
"Why, of course."
And that was despite his Cassanova ways. I think I could make him quite happy if he could peel away that self-consciousness with me (as I came to realise has little variation from Dope's prior behaviour with me). I wonder what is it about my confidence that appears to have an unwitting impact on a man's self-esteem. I never meant to insult anyone's manhood. I am just being comfortable with myself. Is there something wrong?
*****
But now I know. I'll probably never make a good tai-tai as a doctor's or lawyer's wife.
I need an entreprenuerial partner like myself.
I'll never be that damsel the Big Boy seeks to feed his needy ego to be the Man.
Always living in a life of excesses as a laisseiz faire artist, I thrive on want and desires. Neediness is a sad and pathetic emotion.
Ironically, it is my masculine character that makes me wanting and being DL's damsel. Forever, I'll be his poor baby who is in constant want of his domestic attention and care where I could throw my girlish tantrums to wheedle a lullaby kiss or to carry me into our love bed when the going in that big sharkey world gets tough.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
De-toxing...
must be one of the hardest thing to do. I have done a 15-day physical de-tox a long time ago that led me to becoming very sick for three weeks just on the third day of the purge. It is akin to practising the path of righteousness and often, temptations and challenges gets thrown in as part of the package to ascertain if one could stand up to the test of will.
The level of discipline to succeed needs to stem from one's will to sever any bonds or desire for the matter. This requires a great amount of practice to attain that level of non-desire or connection.
****
When I was in New York, I met a gay guy who was my next door neighour at the backpackers'. Andrew and I became fast friends.
I stayed at a cubicle-like room amongst 2 rows of similar rooms with wooden partitioned walls, separated by a narrow corridor. The room was no more than 2 metres long and 0.5m wide. At night, I could sometimes hear Andrew bonking away with the other French fashion designer who designed ballet costumes.
You see, although I stayed at a backpackers', I did not behave like one. I learnt the concept a while ago when I was travelling that there is a difference between a tourist and a traveller. I was more a tourist, I suppose. I did not lead an ascetic existence while I was there. My itinerary consisted of doing "must see" places guided by my Lonely Planet bible and the distinctive factor amongst my new found friends in that place we temporarily called home was that I shopped a lot. I bought a variety of designer shoes ranging from the Kate Spades to the Ferragamos and the fast piling boxes has no place in my narrow room, combined with my large obstructive suitcase. When I finally have to pull my shopping bags and shoe boxes from under my wooden plank bed to put them in a big box ready for shipping it back to Ozland, I had to cull everything into the narrow corridor to allow space for packing.
I complained to Andrew that I had too much to carry plus I cannot pack (I am famous for that and seems to always have the good fortune of swindling someone into assisting the packing for me). It was such a headache, I said.
He gave me THE solution.
"Why don't you throw everything away?"
"Are you crazy? I have spent much time and money to acquire these things."
"A cluttered room is a cluttered mind."
So he told me a story that opened up a whole new world of possibilities that I never thought about.
While he was travelling in Germany a year before, something transformed within him.
He had just broke up with his German doctor boyfriend. When he left to return to Pittsburg, he decided to travel light and purge his system. So guess what did he do?
He went to a rubbish dump and chuck out everything he has got, including his mobile phone. He returned back to the States with just his small backpack and some basic necessities. He felt free.
His mindset just underwent a spiritual metamorphosis and till the time, I saw him, he still only had a small backpack in his room.
I was stunned. He explained that there was no point in attaching too much meaning to those material things. It has only as much value as one puts attachment to it.
He also mentioned that he had bumped into someone that he used to hang out together during his travels in Europe in the massive internet cafe in Time Square (that us fellow backpackers would frequent).
"So did you take down his number to stay in touch?" I asked excitedly. I connected that coincidence to fate.
"No. It's all too superficial. There was no point."
On the day I left, I felt a strange level of calmness. We bumped into each other and said our hellos and goodbyes at the corridor very casually like it was any other day. I did not do what I would ever normally do- to ask to stay in touch because funnily, he imparted a spiritual lesson of the pointlessness of forming attachments . His words of enlightenment continues to ring in my soul.
****
Which leads me to the point that for one to attain Andrew's realm of understanding, it takes great will.
On the weekend, my Buddhist philosophical bantering with V and the talk about my Ego had taken me to another realm of understanding. Andrew's words has finally sunk into me somewhat and perhaps enabled me to contain my suffering.
My suitcase of finery no longer look as appealing as when I packed it. I am halfway into my holidays but I have found myself, wearing repeats (P's greatest fear, being caught wearing the same things again and again as her close friends would attest to). I no longer hold much attachments to the outfits (some new and specially bought for this trip) and shoes which I have carefully assembled for the need to impress or stay beautiful. Instead, I go through my days now wearing the most convenient mode of outfit that I could pull out from my topmost level of clothing items.
I feel that shallowness and superficiality fast dissipating and undergoing a well paced detox programme.
However, I still need to learn the path of minimising that pain I felt for my emotional loss of not getting the desired romantic outcome that I have greatly anticipated from this trip for the past six months or so. There is much spiritual practice that I need to meditate on to dispel the "I" of my Ego and my desire to be desired.
I woke up this morning at 6.30am with a strange aching feeling in my heart, wishing I could make this hurt go away and wondering for how long could I be relieved of this suffering?
Again, I am aware of the ardousness of a physical detox, let alone an emotional and spiritual one.
must be one of the hardest thing to do. I have done a 15-day physical de-tox a long time ago that led me to becoming very sick for three weeks just on the third day of the purge. It is akin to practising the path of righteousness and often, temptations and challenges gets thrown in as part of the package to ascertain if one could stand up to the test of will.
The level of discipline to succeed needs to stem from one's will to sever any bonds or desire for the matter. This requires a great amount of practice to attain that level of non-desire or connection.
****
When I was in New York, I met a gay guy who was my next door neighour at the backpackers'. Andrew and I became fast friends.
I stayed at a cubicle-like room amongst 2 rows of similar rooms with wooden partitioned walls, separated by a narrow corridor. The room was no more than 2 metres long and 0.5m wide. At night, I could sometimes hear Andrew bonking away with the other French fashion designer who designed ballet costumes.
You see, although I stayed at a backpackers', I did not behave like one. I learnt the concept a while ago when I was travelling that there is a difference between a tourist and a traveller. I was more a tourist, I suppose. I did not lead an ascetic existence while I was there. My itinerary consisted of doing "must see" places guided by my Lonely Planet bible and the distinctive factor amongst my new found friends in that place we temporarily called home was that I shopped a lot. I bought a variety of designer shoes ranging from the Kate Spades to the Ferragamos and the fast piling boxes has no place in my narrow room, combined with my large obstructive suitcase. When I finally have to pull my shopping bags and shoe boxes from under my wooden plank bed to put them in a big box ready for shipping it back to Ozland, I had to cull everything into the narrow corridor to allow space for packing.
I complained to Andrew that I had too much to carry plus I cannot pack (I am famous for that and seems to always have the good fortune of swindling someone into assisting the packing for me). It was such a headache, I said.
He gave me THE solution.
"Why don't you throw everything away?"
"Are you crazy? I have spent much time and money to acquire these things."
"A cluttered room is a cluttered mind."
So he told me a story that opened up a whole new world of possibilities that I never thought about.
While he was travelling in Germany a year before, something transformed within him.
He had just broke up with his German doctor boyfriend. When he left to return to Pittsburg, he decided to travel light and purge his system. So guess what did he do?
He went to a rubbish dump and chuck out everything he has got, including his mobile phone. He returned back to the States with just his small backpack and some basic necessities. He felt free.
His mindset just underwent a spiritual metamorphosis and till the time, I saw him, he still only had a small backpack in his room.
I was stunned. He explained that there was no point in attaching too much meaning to those material things. It has only as much value as one puts attachment to it.
He also mentioned that he had bumped into someone that he used to hang out together during his travels in Europe in the massive internet cafe in Time Square (that us fellow backpackers would frequent).
"So did you take down his number to stay in touch?" I asked excitedly. I connected that coincidence to fate.
"No. It's all too superficial. There was no point."
On the day I left, I felt a strange level of calmness. We bumped into each other and said our hellos and goodbyes at the corridor very casually like it was any other day. I did not do what I would ever normally do- to ask to stay in touch because funnily, he imparted a spiritual lesson of the pointlessness of forming attachments . His words of enlightenment continues to ring in my soul.
****
Which leads me to the point that for one to attain Andrew's realm of understanding, it takes great will.
On the weekend, my Buddhist philosophical bantering with V and the talk about my Ego had taken me to another realm of understanding. Andrew's words has finally sunk into me somewhat and perhaps enabled me to contain my suffering.
My suitcase of finery no longer look as appealing as when I packed it. I am halfway into my holidays but I have found myself, wearing repeats (P's greatest fear, being caught wearing the same things again and again as her close friends would attest to). I no longer hold much attachments to the outfits (some new and specially bought for this trip) and shoes which I have carefully assembled for the need to impress or stay beautiful. Instead, I go through my days now wearing the most convenient mode of outfit that I could pull out from my topmost level of clothing items.
I feel that shallowness and superficiality fast dissipating and undergoing a well paced detox programme.
However, I still need to learn the path of minimising that pain I felt for my emotional loss of not getting the desired romantic outcome that I have greatly anticipated from this trip for the past six months or so. There is much spiritual practice that I need to meditate on to dispel the "I" of my Ego and my desire to be desired.
I woke up this morning at 6.30am with a strange aching feeling in my heart, wishing I could make this hurt go away and wondering for how long could I be relieved of this suffering?
Again, I am aware of the ardousness of a physical detox, let alone an emotional and spiritual one.
Notes to a Few Ideas
Since my return home and my trip has taken an unexpected turn, I have spent much time thinking and contemplating...
Am conscious of time at the moment, given that I have dinner waiting at home served to me by the parental authority before I fly off to Manila tommorrow. See, I have spent the whole day bantering with the intellectual best friend and we have decided finally to get back into our respective contemplative corners to work on our thoughts.
I have a few ideas that I would like to blog about and thought I should post myself a note to come back to them later.
1) Hula Hoop enlightening
2) Government's new ruling on paid maternity leave for single mums
3) The significance in the act of slapping
4) More about my pain in this journey back home.
5) The night where my state of meditation took me to another place.
Ok, I'll re-vist this next week when I return and until then I'll leave you one to think of in the next post that ensues.
Cheers,
DilettanteP
P.S Can you Handle it? post has been given a major facelift and revision.
Since my return home and my trip has taken an unexpected turn, I have spent much time thinking and contemplating...
Am conscious of time at the moment, given that I have dinner waiting at home served to me by the parental authority before I fly off to Manila tommorrow. See, I have spent the whole day bantering with the intellectual best friend and we have decided finally to get back into our respective contemplative corners to work on our thoughts.
I have a few ideas that I would like to blog about and thought I should post myself a note to come back to them later.
1) Hula Hoop enlightening
2) Government's new ruling on paid maternity leave for single mums
3) The significance in the act of slapping
4) More about my pain in this journey back home.
5) The night where my state of meditation took me to another place.
Ok, I'll re-vist this next week when I return and until then I'll leave you one to think of in the next post that ensues.
Cheers,
DilettanteP
P.S Can you Handle it? post has been given a major facelift and revision.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Can you Handle it?
Right, everytime I go partying with the accountant and he gets hell as drunk, he always asks me, "P, can you handle it?"
I consider the above line.
Those are words of wisdom, I can tell you.
It is one question that I ask myself constantly whenever I get into a situation. Be it professionally or emotionally.
****
So today when he asked me a number of questions (and I had a few different ways to answer each and possibly justify why but since I was conscious of his time I gave the most instinctive answer with the usual lengthy opinions and justifications omitted) during lunch, I have mentally prepared myself for the worst and answered him to the extent that I could handle it.
Lunch proposed to me on a school day (i.e. week day) has always been a bad idea and spells trouble if one has expectations of some romantic outcome (in the positive sense). But my karmaic awareness has prepared me for the worst. But I was careful not to allow my pre-conceived notions guide my interaction. Just be aware of the now and the moment, I told myself.
I knew today was a parting shot, most likely. But now I know it is.
Thankfully, for the re-awakening over the weekend (the stars must be aligned for some reason given the forewarning by the cab driver/fortune teller of the numerous external forces to tempt me from DL, combined with his standoffish attitude towards me over the weekend and cancelling the Sunday evening date) I had time to contemplate about my life with my "tennis instructors" (as he calls my friends though ironically, I've always been the instructor to them since I have always stood out to be the early bloomer and hence, leader of the pack. The guitarist analogy is more accurate although she is more likely to be the instructor or gatekeeper so to speak as her cold soul keeps my unfocused and colourful emotions in check).
Given our need to submit to his time, he needed to extract himself for the next meeting at exactly 2pm. So we had only an hour. I was beginning to warm up to more banter and opening up with the topping up of my wine glass. But it was at the point where he had to prepare to leave. Just as well- perhaps this is the best for him and me for a good reason...
Which leads me back to the title of this blog entry- Can you handle it?
I recognise his sentimentality right from the start despite his Cassanova ways. He very much reminds me of myself. But even the Cassanova has a heart that is capable of breaking and hence, ironically so capable of passion and charms.
So what's the safety net in this instance? Go for the one who compliments you and who adores you! The one who is good to you. He goes for social/ professional promise while on my end, I buy the "wholesome" family prospects. After all, I am still a girl who needs my security blanket, to put it in a sexist way. I will always be at the helm of the relationship with DL ruling the roost- he has come to terms as he did (rather resignedly despite initial discomfort as a male chauvinist and the only son) that perhaps we would never have children (that night at the party, it made me sad to know that I have insidiously transform a person whom himself is hard work and stubborn to cater to my selfish and socially ambitious desires- in my semi tipsy state, I broke down and cried so hard for my imperfections when I got home. I stared at myself in the mirror and grieved at my monstrous behaviour and for him while he knocked constantly at the door, concerned about my sudden shift in my mood. Now that I have achieved my goals, am I supposed to be happy and proud of my ability to transform someone to suit me? I stepped out of the bathroom with a mock smile, eyes swollen and red with tears and retired to bed while DL stayed up all night, possibly contemplating about my demons, which he is careful not to find out for his own emotional well-being) or that we'll only ever get married when we get financially stable enough (“So when are you popping the question to her?” someone asked. “Well, I guess when we become more financially stable”, DL replied. My salesmanship has definitely taken me to a different level).
I could proffer you with the similar mindsets that are exhibited here for the gentleman and myself-"The only thing that counts is me" mentality or "On my terms" mentality" or "I want to have my cake and eat it" mentality.
No actually, perhaps a more accurate picture is this- “I want to have a variety of cakes at my disposal and choose to eat whichever I please. Really I like the creamy ones but they tend to give me a tummy upset quite easily. But I don’t want to get a tummy upset from it.”
Basically, this is a paradoxical situation. So how does one manage one’s emotions in this instance?
I can at least tell you how I cope. I ask myself first, “Can I handle it?”
Sometimes our desired appetites just does not match up with our abilities to digest or handle the consequences of indigestion.
So like me, he too is capable of getting hurt. People like us need to manage our emotions constantly and roll out that emotional security blanket right from the start. We want to play the game well and minimise our "losses" and be in a win-win situation.
This gentleman is still a boy in my opinion as I am a girl. A true player will harbour no notions about getting hurt because he has lost that touchy feely aspect of his soul to cynicism and quick fixes.
So he asked me two questions before we parted that were telling of his sentimentality and threshold for managing his emotions.
1) Would you sleep with Dope now if he asks you? No.
It suggested his notion of "self" and the need to be special in my heart. I have practiced myself to impose no such expectations on him or any “alternative” men in my life.
2) Would you sleep with me? Maybe.
I like to remain tentative until the deed is done, sealed and delivered. After all, things could change for the worst at the eleventh hour like our current situation. Best to be prudent in encouraging expectations. At least when it comes, it comes as a very pleasant surprise.
But what if DL finds out?
I will kill myself. I meant that more figuratively(with some literal elements though) to save time. I don't think I could cope with the pain of knowing DL's pain- because I love him enough and understand the depth of his pain that would go beyond everything. He will move on (because he is hardy and probably move on faster than me) and will be freed from his dukka for loving and being with me while I, would be left cold and empty and a condemned soul for the rest of my existence. I could only live in pain from hereon, I believe. So it is an impossible idea now for DL to find out- I will protect his sanity from my imperfections at ALL costs.
I think I could safely say that the gentleman and I are on the same page about that rule he wrote about- the rule of sleeping with someone that one might -possibly (albeit remotely) have a future with. On that, I definitely buy that need for mental/intellectual connection notion. But fundamentally, what distinct us is our sentimentality. The social fit and the emotional aspect (that more elusive quality) of his being dictates that possibility for permanence whereas I would go for loyalty anytime. DL- the guy who has always been there for me despite my fallacies and imperfections, which he is cognizant of. Still, he stood by me. So now I would give him my time (alas the most unreal chains to our being but nonetheless powerful enough to dictate our fates) and not even my love for M (and vice versa) would ever enable me to succumb to disloyalty. I wouldn't say that I would never give him up (because I did asked for a break two months ago only that, the next day, I woke up with a heavy heart and found him and the dog at my doorstep and all I ever wanted to do was run into his arms and hugged him tight once more to that harbour of love and consistency). However, I am always prudent in my own predictions and would never promise anyone anything unless I can deliver, especially when it comes to the affairs of the heart. I have been hurt, disappointed and left cold and empty. I wouldn't do that to someone else and promise them more than what I have hoped to achieve. If it did happen, then I would like to take the calm zen-like approach that it must then be our fate together.
That was also not to say that while I decided to indulge myself with the gentleman in question, I meant to hoodwink him emotionally or carnally. My problem is similar to his. I have too many hearts because I love/ fancy each of these men with much passion but I could only have one in my life and my guiding values hold me accountable to loyalty as the priority like the way I would back my girlfriends anytime.
Hence, if I have been a challenge to someone else, I would have made it fair to answer as truthfully as possible for one to decide and anticipate for themselves what sort of a partnership with me they would be getting themselves into. So they could then, in turn ask themselves- "Can I handle it?"
The ball is then served back into the other party's court. He makes the decision to take it or leave it. On my end, I will learn to contain my ego no matter what the outcome is and minimise my expectations. Hopefully, my suffering will fade away.
Well, at least it simplifies part of this highly complex emotional equation and serves as a caution for two to enter into something at their own peril. There is no shutting the lid of Pandora's box once it opens.
I know, as the pain that DL served me a long time ago did so to unleash the worst in me as I did with him.
Right, everytime I go partying with the accountant and he gets hell as drunk, he always asks me, "P, can you handle it?"
I consider the above line.
Those are words of wisdom, I can tell you.
It is one question that I ask myself constantly whenever I get into a situation. Be it professionally or emotionally.
****
So today when he asked me a number of questions (and I had a few different ways to answer each and possibly justify why but since I was conscious of his time I gave the most instinctive answer with the usual lengthy opinions and justifications omitted) during lunch, I have mentally prepared myself for the worst and answered him to the extent that I could handle it.
Lunch proposed to me on a school day (i.e. week day) has always been a bad idea and spells trouble if one has expectations of some romantic outcome (in the positive sense). But my karmaic awareness has prepared me for the worst. But I was careful not to allow my pre-conceived notions guide my interaction. Just be aware of the now and the moment, I told myself.
I knew today was a parting shot, most likely. But now I know it is.
Thankfully, for the re-awakening over the weekend (the stars must be aligned for some reason given the forewarning by the cab driver/fortune teller of the numerous external forces to tempt me from DL, combined with his standoffish attitude towards me over the weekend and cancelling the Sunday evening date) I had time to contemplate about my life with my "tennis instructors" (as he calls my friends though ironically, I've always been the instructor to them since I have always stood out to be the early bloomer and hence, leader of the pack. The guitarist analogy is more accurate although she is more likely to be the instructor or gatekeeper so to speak as her cold soul keeps my unfocused and colourful emotions in check).
Given our need to submit to his time, he needed to extract himself for the next meeting at exactly 2pm. So we had only an hour. I was beginning to warm up to more banter and opening up with the topping up of my wine glass. But it was at the point where he had to prepare to leave. Just as well- perhaps this is the best for him and me for a good reason...
Which leads me back to the title of this blog entry- Can you handle it?
I recognise his sentimentality right from the start despite his Cassanova ways. He very much reminds me of myself. But even the Cassanova has a heart that is capable of breaking and hence, ironically so capable of passion and charms.
So what's the safety net in this instance? Go for the one who compliments you and who adores you! The one who is good to you. He goes for social/ professional promise while on my end, I buy the "wholesome" family prospects. After all, I am still a girl who needs my security blanket, to put it in a sexist way. I will always be at the helm of the relationship with DL ruling the roost- he has come to terms as he did (rather resignedly despite initial discomfort as a male chauvinist and the only son) that perhaps we would never have children (that night at the party, it made me sad to know that I have insidiously transform a person whom himself is hard work and stubborn to cater to my selfish and socially ambitious desires- in my semi tipsy state, I broke down and cried so hard for my imperfections when I got home. I stared at myself in the mirror and grieved at my monstrous behaviour and for him while he knocked constantly at the door, concerned about my sudden shift in my mood. Now that I have achieved my goals, am I supposed to be happy and proud of my ability to transform someone to suit me? I stepped out of the bathroom with a mock smile, eyes swollen and red with tears and retired to bed while DL stayed up all night, possibly contemplating about my demons, which he is careful not to find out for his own emotional well-being) or that we'll only ever get married when we get financially stable enough (“So when are you popping the question to her?” someone asked. “Well, I guess when we become more financially stable”, DL replied. My salesmanship has definitely taken me to a different level).
I could proffer you with the similar mindsets that are exhibited here for the gentleman and myself-"The only thing that counts is me" mentality or "On my terms" mentality" or "I want to have my cake and eat it" mentality.
No actually, perhaps a more accurate picture is this- “I want to have a variety of cakes at my disposal and choose to eat whichever I please. Really I like the creamy ones but they tend to give me a tummy upset quite easily. But I don’t want to get a tummy upset from it.”
Basically, this is a paradoxical situation. So how does one manage one’s emotions in this instance?
I can at least tell you how I cope. I ask myself first, “Can I handle it?”
Sometimes our desired appetites just does not match up with our abilities to digest or handle the consequences of indigestion.
So like me, he too is capable of getting hurt. People like us need to manage our emotions constantly and roll out that emotional security blanket right from the start. We want to play the game well and minimise our "losses" and be in a win-win situation.
This gentleman is still a boy in my opinion as I am a girl. A true player will harbour no notions about getting hurt because he has lost that touchy feely aspect of his soul to cynicism and quick fixes.
So he asked me two questions before we parted that were telling of his sentimentality and threshold for managing his emotions.
1) Would you sleep with Dope now if he asks you? No.
It suggested his notion of "self" and the need to be special in my heart. I have practiced myself to impose no such expectations on him or any “alternative” men in my life.
2) Would you sleep with me? Maybe.
I like to remain tentative until the deed is done, sealed and delivered. After all, things could change for the worst at the eleventh hour like our current situation. Best to be prudent in encouraging expectations. At least when it comes, it comes as a very pleasant surprise.
But what if DL finds out?
I will kill myself. I meant that more figuratively(with some literal elements though) to save time. I don't think I could cope with the pain of knowing DL's pain- because I love him enough and understand the depth of his pain that would go beyond everything. He will move on (because he is hardy and probably move on faster than me) and will be freed from his dukka for loving and being with me while I, would be left cold and empty and a condemned soul for the rest of my existence. I could only live in pain from hereon, I believe. So it is an impossible idea now for DL to find out- I will protect his sanity from my imperfections at ALL costs.
I think I could safely say that the gentleman and I are on the same page about that rule he wrote about- the rule of sleeping with someone that one might -possibly (albeit remotely) have a future with. On that, I definitely buy that need for mental/intellectual connection notion. But fundamentally, what distinct us is our sentimentality. The social fit and the emotional aspect (that more elusive quality) of his being dictates that possibility for permanence whereas I would go for loyalty anytime. DL- the guy who has always been there for me despite my fallacies and imperfections, which he is cognizant of. Still, he stood by me. So now I would give him my time (alas the most unreal chains to our being but nonetheless powerful enough to dictate our fates) and not even my love for M (and vice versa) would ever enable me to succumb to disloyalty. I wouldn't say that I would never give him up (because I did asked for a break two months ago only that, the next day, I woke up with a heavy heart and found him and the dog at my doorstep and all I ever wanted to do was run into his arms and hugged him tight once more to that harbour of love and consistency). However, I am always prudent in my own predictions and would never promise anyone anything unless I can deliver, especially when it comes to the affairs of the heart. I have been hurt, disappointed and left cold and empty. I wouldn't do that to someone else and promise them more than what I have hoped to achieve. If it did happen, then I would like to take the calm zen-like approach that it must then be our fate together.
That was also not to say that while I decided to indulge myself with the gentleman in question, I meant to hoodwink him emotionally or carnally. My problem is similar to his. I have too many hearts because I love/ fancy each of these men with much passion but I could only have one in my life and my guiding values hold me accountable to loyalty as the priority like the way I would back my girlfriends anytime.
Hence, if I have been a challenge to someone else, I would have made it fair to answer as truthfully as possible for one to decide and anticipate for themselves what sort of a partnership with me they would be getting themselves into. So they could then, in turn ask themselves- "Can I handle it?"
The ball is then served back into the other party's court. He makes the decision to take it or leave it. On my end, I will learn to contain my ego no matter what the outcome is and minimise my expectations. Hopefully, my suffering will fade away.
Well, at least it simplifies part of this highly complex emotional equation and serves as a caution for two to enter into something at their own peril. There is no shutting the lid of Pandora's box once it opens.
I know, as the pain that DL served me a long time ago did so to unleash the worst in me as I did with him.
Labels: THE P-oignant Moments
Connections
You know what is the problem with me? I make too many connections. It helps me in my professional life (hence my abililty to track people) but I really think it should just stay there.
In Buddhist teachings, one of the reason why humans get trapped in that suffering called Dukka is due to their attachments to another thing/matter/ person.
You see, I am a guru of connections and hence, I suffer pain.
So I believe it is our karma from our previous lives that we all crossed paths.
Latest connection thought- it must be our fate/karma that we all have our JLs. Him, B and myself.
Crap post but I have been sent to my contemplating corner to write by the best friend lest I get too caught up in my own suffering and translate into negative energy and sink deeper!
You know what is the problem with me? I make too many connections. It helps me in my professional life (hence my abililty to track people) but I really think it should just stay there.
In Buddhist teachings, one of the reason why humans get trapped in that suffering called Dukka is due to their attachments to another thing/matter/ person.
You see, I am a guru of connections and hence, I suffer pain.
So I believe it is our karma from our previous lives that we all crossed paths.
Latest connection thought- it must be our fate/karma that we all have our JLs. Him, B and myself.
Crap post but I have been sent to my contemplating corner to write by the best friend lest I get too caught up in my own suffering and translate into negative energy and sink deeper!
Monday, January 22, 2007
The Re-awakening
My planned trip of indulgence and excessiveness back home has taken a different turn. Just like the errant lugguage who decided to turn up fashionably late. I don't know how things graduated to become the way it is. Then there were signs and warnings...
I am a believer in signs- that voice in my head that always comes to warn me about things. The witchy karma that I always have and like a soothsayer myself, my friends have valued my views to seek direction for years. I have a vortex that way and I always get to know before anyone else.
Now I am trying to let go- of connections and bonds. Let things be... the state of muga...
For some reason, this trip has transpired to something else instead. I found myself re-awakening to the spirituality of my core. That place that I thought I have lost for good. I found it back in my own backyard.
For days, I have soaked myself up in philosophical banter with V. She said I always come back at the right time as her saviour to pull her out of her depths of darkness. She saw the light with my ability to make sense of our being and the suffering called Dukka that we get caught up into. And vice versa. V has since resumed her blog as she continues to heal from the damage of her disturbed soul. She is me two or three years ago and I have yet another challenge to proceed...
All day and night, we discuss buddhism which we both embrace as philosophy- our way of life. The karma, the six levels of the human realm, and our constant struggle in this Wheel with the onslaught of Samsara. Then there were also other interesting perspectives of the Singaporean society and government that I have since lost touch with. Again, I found my intellectual rigour from V but in a calming way.
It was last night. I think I saw the light of taking the Middle Way as I progressed from just being aware to the path of letting go and containing the egotiscal "I" in my existence. I have a long way to the path of Enlightenment because everytime I thought I have attained a certain level of spiritual containment to progress, I have temptations that would be thrown in my way. The constant spiritual struggle that makes it an arduous undertaking to proceed on to the next realm.
I have since lost track of time (that non-existence that cast a veil of reality of all that does not exist) though I know I sleep no more than 4 hours and I felt like I have done a lot and fast accelerated to a depth that I thought I was no longer capable of experiencing. This morning, V and I parted on the phone (despite our whole day's outing; we ate and walked and sat by the beach and we hung out at the cafes till we have nowhere to go) at 5.30a.m. I feel invigorated- my soul tries to move on into the other realm with much challenges and demons that continues to obstruct and sabotage. My spiritual will continues to fight against this wave of destruction.
I have long become aware of my being and my lot in life as one fraud with the karma of emotional fallacies. My time now is to move on in that journey to contain myself from that pain and suffering that only I and I could have been inflicted on me.
Last night, I had a revelation. But will keep that one for another day.
Think I have grown a little wiser since the last 24 hours. My soul is stirred again but in an enlightening way.
I have resumed my pacing habit since I got back home this time. That had been my distinct trademark as a child up till the point where I left home at 20. While I pace, I think and then the mental rigour overcomes me and then at a point, I arrive at a form of understanding of the human condition. It's coming back to me again.
This morning, I sat up to speak to Mum. More buddhist philosophical talk. I am surrounded by that spiritual karma once more.
Then along came his sms today. I thought that day was it- his signal for me.
And today, yet another headhunter's call.
At this stage, the suitcase of finery is fast losing its meaning and so is the fight for power and money.
I have just extracted my wisdom tooth early this morning. Perhaps I should have kept it a bit longer. For strength lest I get trapped in that dukka once more.
I am living by the day at this present moment as I take those baby steps to contain my disturbances and be aware.
But tomorrow, where would my path lead me?
My planned trip of indulgence and excessiveness back home has taken a different turn. Just like the errant lugguage who decided to turn up fashionably late. I don't know how things graduated to become the way it is. Then there were signs and warnings...
I am a believer in signs- that voice in my head that always comes to warn me about things. The witchy karma that I always have and like a soothsayer myself, my friends have valued my views to seek direction for years. I have a vortex that way and I always get to know before anyone else.
Now I am trying to let go- of connections and bonds. Let things be... the state of muga...
For some reason, this trip has transpired to something else instead. I found myself re-awakening to the spirituality of my core. That place that I thought I have lost for good. I found it back in my own backyard.
For days, I have soaked myself up in philosophical banter with V. She said I always come back at the right time as her saviour to pull her out of her depths of darkness. She saw the light with my ability to make sense of our being and the suffering called Dukka that we get caught up into. And vice versa. V has since resumed her blog as she continues to heal from the damage of her disturbed soul. She is me two or three years ago and I have yet another challenge to proceed...
All day and night, we discuss buddhism which we both embrace as philosophy- our way of life. The karma, the six levels of the human realm, and our constant struggle in this Wheel with the onslaught of Samsara. Then there were also other interesting perspectives of the Singaporean society and government that I have since lost touch with. Again, I found my intellectual rigour from V but in a calming way.
It was last night. I think I saw the light of taking the Middle Way as I progressed from just being aware to the path of letting go and containing the egotiscal "I" in my existence. I have a long way to the path of Enlightenment because everytime I thought I have attained a certain level of spiritual containment to progress, I have temptations that would be thrown in my way. The constant spiritual struggle that makes it an arduous undertaking to proceed on to the next realm.
I have since lost track of time (that non-existence that cast a veil of reality of all that does not exist) though I know I sleep no more than 4 hours and I felt like I have done a lot and fast accelerated to a depth that I thought I was no longer capable of experiencing. This morning, V and I parted on the phone (despite our whole day's outing; we ate and walked and sat by the beach and we hung out at the cafes till we have nowhere to go) at 5.30a.m. I feel invigorated- my soul tries to move on into the other realm with much challenges and demons that continues to obstruct and sabotage. My spiritual will continues to fight against this wave of destruction.
I have long become aware of my being and my lot in life as one fraud with the karma of emotional fallacies. My time now is to move on in that journey to contain myself from that pain and suffering that only I and I could have been inflicted on me.
Last night, I had a revelation. But will keep that one for another day.
Think I have grown a little wiser since the last 24 hours. My soul is stirred again but in an enlightening way.
I have resumed my pacing habit since I got back home this time. That had been my distinct trademark as a child up till the point where I left home at 20. While I pace, I think and then the mental rigour overcomes me and then at a point, I arrive at a form of understanding of the human condition. It's coming back to me again.
This morning, I sat up to speak to Mum. More buddhist philosophical talk. I am surrounded by that spiritual karma once more.
Then along came his sms today. I thought that day was it- his signal for me.
And today, yet another headhunter's call.
At this stage, the suitcase of finery is fast losing its meaning and so is the fight for power and money.
I have just extracted my wisdom tooth early this morning. Perhaps I should have kept it a bit longer. For strength lest I get trapped in that dukka once more.
I am living by the day at this present moment as I take those baby steps to contain my disturbances and be aware.
But tomorrow, where would my path lead me?
Sunday, January 21, 2007
BACK
So I am back. The lugguage arrived only but 24 hours after. It was like a premonition that marked an over anticipated trip.
Never based your plans on other people's timing, the best friend always cautions. She calls me stupid.
She is right.
So I saw him. We stood at the rooftop watching the people below indulging in their merry making. When he stood next to me, I wanted to brush myself close to him. I felt the male pressence that made me get the tingles- it's been a while since I get a good cuddle. Lover cuddles, I call it and his aura next to me excited me. That night, I lost my charms and I surprised myself with my lacklustre behaviour.
I was quiet, like B-style. I lost my words. I am not one who lacks conversational topics. I have conditioned myself socially to do better but tonight. I wonder if it was because we have built up all this anticpation and then there are expectations....
Then there was also the situation. I didn't plan to be there that night anyways. Anyway, I was there. He had alternative female company that night and I was out with his friend before the best friend arrived and we sojourn elsewhere.
That night, B and I headed back to the place where we met the boys and reminisced. We didn't queue- one of the owners came over, introduced himself and ushered us through. Then we fended off a few male advances. We wanted to re-live that moment. And we headed off to chatterbox sober for that night again. B had the chicken rice and I ate up the Hokkien mee that I meant to finish but didn't touch the year before.
It's Sunday. We meant to have met but again, it didn't happened. Change of plans on his end.
See we are not meant to be.
That night, on our way home on the cab, with B sleeping one me, the cab driver starting talking to me. He is a fortune teller and for some reason, told me what he could see in my aura. Things that I've heard a number of times from different clairvoyants. Always about my work and my heart- the disturbances.
Guard your heart at all costs, he cautioned because there will always be these men that will be there to tempt you. Married or not.
He knew that I lie in bed at night weighing my options with DL- the man who didn't make as much money and not as commercially tenacious as me. I'll always be the stronger person who makes the husband prosperous but don't tell him or he'll grow even more laid back, he cautioned again.
You have a really kind heart. But you are stubborn in your speech. If your relationship with a guy didn't work, remember it's his loss not yours.
And your career, it'll pick up. Don't be rash.
That didn't take a clairvoyant to know. Josie said the same to me that night while we caught up on the rooftop as he gave me some brotherly advice. I like Josie as a friend very much and the lack of correspondence didn't do much to affect my level of comfort with him that night.
****
"Can you please play Miss Sunshine today and I'll be you- Miss Ice Queen tonight?" I sulked, caught up in my own mental disturbances. That was last night.
Ah well, just as well that I lost my suitcase of confidence and style. My costumes, I would used to say jokingly to Bern. She knows what those things mean to me.
Don't think I need it anymore than I need it on most days back home.
And I'm only 4 days into my 2.5 weeks' holidays.
Tomorrow's going to be a better day, I hope- me pulling that mock smile again now as I type these words away.
Well, at least I have spent some quality time with the girls and have maximised my time with no more than 4 hours' sleep.
So I am back. The lugguage arrived only but 24 hours after. It was like a premonition that marked an over anticipated trip.
Never based your plans on other people's timing, the best friend always cautions. She calls me stupid.
She is right.
So I saw him. We stood at the rooftop watching the people below indulging in their merry making. When he stood next to me, I wanted to brush myself close to him. I felt the male pressence that made me get the tingles- it's been a while since I get a good cuddle. Lover cuddles, I call it and his aura next to me excited me. That night, I lost my charms and I surprised myself with my lacklustre behaviour.
I was quiet, like B-style. I lost my words. I am not one who lacks conversational topics. I have conditioned myself socially to do better but tonight. I wonder if it was because we have built up all this anticpation and then there are expectations....
Then there was also the situation. I didn't plan to be there that night anyways. Anyway, I was there. He had alternative female company that night and I was out with his friend before the best friend arrived and we sojourn elsewhere.
That night, B and I headed back to the place where we met the boys and reminisced. We didn't queue- one of the owners came over, introduced himself and ushered us through. Then we fended off a few male advances. We wanted to re-live that moment. And we headed off to chatterbox sober for that night again. B had the chicken rice and I ate up the Hokkien mee that I meant to finish but didn't touch the year before.
It's Sunday. We meant to have met but again, it didn't happened. Change of plans on his end.
See we are not meant to be.
That night, on our way home on the cab, with B sleeping one me, the cab driver starting talking to me. He is a fortune teller and for some reason, told me what he could see in my aura. Things that I've heard a number of times from different clairvoyants. Always about my work and my heart- the disturbances.
Guard your heart at all costs, he cautioned because there will always be these men that will be there to tempt you. Married or not.
He knew that I lie in bed at night weighing my options with DL- the man who didn't make as much money and not as commercially tenacious as me. I'll always be the stronger person who makes the husband prosperous but don't tell him or he'll grow even more laid back, he cautioned again.
You have a really kind heart. But you are stubborn in your speech. If your relationship with a guy didn't work, remember it's his loss not yours.
And your career, it'll pick up. Don't be rash.
That didn't take a clairvoyant to know. Josie said the same to me that night while we caught up on the rooftop as he gave me some brotherly advice. I like Josie as a friend very much and the lack of correspondence didn't do much to affect my level of comfort with him that night.
****
"Can you please play Miss Sunshine today and I'll be you- Miss Ice Queen tonight?" I sulked, caught up in my own mental disturbances. That was last night.
Ah well, just as well that I lost my suitcase of confidence and style. My costumes, I would used to say jokingly to Bern. She knows what those things mean to me.
Don't think I need it anymore than I need it on most days back home.
And I'm only 4 days into my 2.5 weeks' holidays.
Tomorrow's going to be a better day, I hope- me pulling that mock smile again now as I type these words away.
Well, at least I have spent some quality time with the girls and have maximised my time with no more than 4 hours' sleep.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Pre- Monday Blues
I feel like I am ten again. I used to suffer acute insomnia as a child, especially when I was in primary four. I would tossed and turned in bed on Sunday until the wee hours of the morning because I kept thinking I must've forgotten to do some of my homework. Then there was always the Maths test falling on Monday. In my school, Maths was always hard. Basically, school was hard and competitive and I grew up a stressed bunny- not to mention I was always mediocre next to the older sibling...
I think I am having the pre-Monday blues again.
I have three more days to my return back home to Singapore.
I have lots of ground to cover at work. I brought work home over the weekend and have touched jackshit when I should have done some private desk time in my room. I figured I will not leave in peace unless I get my "things to do" list tick off.
Tomorrow, I need to map out more teams (horror!!!), amidst ten thousand other things to juggle. I think I am going in on a swiss bank. I so don't look forward to it.
Then there is the team meeting first thing in the morning- I pray that I am not heaped anymore work or being asked any questions in relation to my progress of the assignments.
Oh, and my bloody results are out tomorrow. I pray I go fine- I have decided that I am going to make bold and ask the boss for a blackberry. Need to bloody be in the action even when I am on holidays because I cannot get side-stepped, especially when I am finally getting in the full swing of things with these significantly big mandates. Need to hone more credentials should I decide to leave, stay or get that bigger pay rise.
Times like this- I think I could be quite happy to quit the rat race and 1) run a takeaway stall with DL and lead a simple laid back life (that would make him a really happy man!) or 2) try snaring a millionaire (that would make me a really happy P- P the Extravagant Queen)
Heh..think a dilettante and a charlartan like me could possibly pull it off quite well...;)
But not living on my own terms...;(
Ah well, I better quit that whingeing and get back to the real world... Got to go...The voice in my head is calling, "P, get your fucking act together and get on with it!" ;(
Think the fear for insomnia today is truimphing over the laziness and lack of motivation...
I feel like I am ten again. I used to suffer acute insomnia as a child, especially when I was in primary four. I would tossed and turned in bed on Sunday until the wee hours of the morning because I kept thinking I must've forgotten to do some of my homework. Then there was always the Maths test falling on Monday. In my school, Maths was always hard. Basically, school was hard and competitive and I grew up a stressed bunny- not to mention I was always mediocre next to the older sibling...
I think I am having the pre-Monday blues again.
I have three more days to my return back home to Singapore.
I have lots of ground to cover at work. I brought work home over the weekend and have touched jackshit when I should have done some private desk time in my room. I figured I will not leave in peace unless I get my "things to do" list tick off.
Tomorrow, I need to map out more teams (horror!!!), amidst ten thousand other things to juggle. I think I am going in on a swiss bank. I so don't look forward to it.
Then there is the team meeting first thing in the morning- I pray that I am not heaped anymore work or being asked any questions in relation to my progress of the assignments.
Oh, and my bloody results are out tomorrow. I pray I go fine- I have decided that I am going to make bold and ask the boss for a blackberry. Need to bloody be in the action even when I am on holidays because I cannot get side-stepped, especially when I am finally getting in the full swing of things with these significantly big mandates. Need to hone more credentials should I decide to leave, stay or get that bigger pay rise.
Times like this- I think I could be quite happy to quit the rat race and 1) run a takeaway stall with DL and lead a simple laid back life (that would make him a really happy man!) or 2) try snaring a millionaire (that would make me a really happy P- P the Extravagant Queen)
Heh..think a dilettante and a charlartan like me could possibly pull it off quite well...;)
But not living on my own terms...;(
Ah well, I better quit that whingeing and get back to the real world... Got to go...The voice in my head is calling, "P, get your fucking act together and get on with it!" ;(
Think the fear for insomnia today is truimphing over the laziness and lack of motivation...
Saturday, January 13, 2007
On Work
I must be quite a lucky bitch with good friends. There are days where I think it is too good to be true. You see, I was brought up a cynic and I have very unlucky and I fell a lot. Maybe that was how I learnt and over the years, my guiding principles have enabled me to accumulate goodwill amongst friends and people...
I figured everyone must have something good happening in their lives, one way of another. No one can have a perfect life- something's got to give somewhere in some aspects. Just like how my emotionally disturbed mind must be compensated by the good things happening in my professional life. I seemed to have a bit of luck in that department and in that racy world of the rat race, one needs just as much luck as one can get, and of course, the ability to get it - notwithstanding, true capabilities.
So I went out last night with the colleagues. Lots of professional bantering. I was "invited" days in advance by fellow workmates of my level to go out on Friday. I am the only person (doing the same job) from my old team that was asked by my new found friends.
There are days where I get the feeling that they genuinely like me but often wonder if I was truly happy with my team. There is an undercurrent of resentment or possible curiosity of how our team work- you see, we operate with this high level of co-operation and like an exclusive clique, we do VERY well. The rest do not quite seem to understand our model and then there were lots of changes made to shake up the organisation in order to accomodate the entrance of our team. We seemed too good to be true.
I realised from last night that I have fast earned the reputation amongst my new peers of being very good at what I do- that is, mapping out teams. Having started my profession with one of the hardest sector practice (and of course, in the big ticket league in terms of billings), some are quite amazed at my ability to extract information with very little tools or help to work with. You see- they don't do as much cold calling (me, the person with the greatest phone phobia have once again had to confront my fears squarely) and my job must be viewed as rather shitty and daunting. There are days when I get in and out of my mission swiftly, my heart continues to pulsate quickly still afterwards and I heaved a sigh of relief that I managed to get what I want. After all, you only get one shot at it and after which, you lie low for a while...
So we talked and I realised from someone's conversation with another that I have been severely underpaid. I am not surprised because either way, I am going to get a pay rise. The last remuneration meeting, the Big Man of the firm for the region had mentioned that some of us have been severely underpaid and he looked at me. I knew he meant me- I am patient. Besides, the market has been tight lately and lots of poaching has been going on. They would not want to lose another staff. But I do have my own back-up plans and again, I am more than capable to negotiate for a good deal to advance myself financially...
The group broke up into smaller chatting groups and accountant and I moved on to speak personally amongst ourselves and again he mentioned about bonuses. He told me that I was to get $x- he has just submitted the budget and it has been approved. And that he did so by reducing his own share. He figured a colleague and I deserved more and so he allocated lesser for the finance team. He had put it across the boss that this should be a fair amount for me or the boss could potentially lose me.
$x- was within my expectation. In fact, that was exactly how much I paced myself to be getting. It was at least what I needed to pay off that wad of bills and to boost that fast diminishing savings. By June, I need to seriously look for somewhere to buy and work on planning and creating my wealth. But realising that it came at the expense of others, I am dumbfounded at the idea.
What can I say? I do have good friends. Not only him but this entire week, I was able to get some vital information because I have good friends, like Dope ("Why did you have to tell your boss? Best to keep the credit to yourself," he had said) and another hedge fund analyst friend from my old days in that business doing boring things.
Then there was the time where the accountant and I were severely hung over and did not turned up for work. Everyone knew that we went out drinking. He took the rap for me and lied to the boss that I left for home early as I was genuinely unwell.
I feel like a charlatan most days at work and with much luck amongst people, I advance. I am grateful and wonder at times if my luck would run out soon.
****
" Big brother (in his native language), but you know I might still leave even if I get that amount of bonus right?"
"Yes and it doesn't matter. I want you to leave with a good bonus if you decide to leave. You deserve it.
But make sure the money gets into your bank account first. By the way, the boss has lots of respect and regard for the work you put in for the team."
****
The other party that I have been in talks with have just summoned me for yet another round of interview. This time with that mysterious lady who provided my name. They seemed very keen to move forward with me.
It would be a step up to my current role but not fraud with elements of uncertainties. There is no turning back to a tier 1 firm if I make myself bold. But for the longer term, I might well make that professional or financial break to push for my agenda for our (DL and my) lives to finally come together. With the right mentors, the right employer fit and the right financial backing, I might finally be able to move onwards in my life and expand my ambitions into the other areas and make those dreams come true.
That is, if I could stick it out and earn my stripes with the new entreprenuerial and moneyed bunch.
Am I glad that I can finally return home to Singapore next weekend and take time off to think and strategise the next step in my life...
Ah, all the adult responsibilities with the coming of age...
I must be quite a lucky bitch with good friends. There are days where I think it is too good to be true. You see, I was brought up a cynic and I have very unlucky and I fell a lot. Maybe that was how I learnt and over the years, my guiding principles have enabled me to accumulate goodwill amongst friends and people...
I figured everyone must have something good happening in their lives, one way of another. No one can have a perfect life- something's got to give somewhere in some aspects. Just like how my emotionally disturbed mind must be compensated by the good things happening in my professional life. I seemed to have a bit of luck in that department and in that racy world of the rat race, one needs just as much luck as one can get, and of course, the ability to get it - notwithstanding, true capabilities.
So I went out last night with the colleagues. Lots of professional bantering. I was "invited" days in advance by fellow workmates of my level to go out on Friday. I am the only person (doing the same job) from my old team that was asked by my new found friends.
There are days where I get the feeling that they genuinely like me but often wonder if I was truly happy with my team. There is an undercurrent of resentment or possible curiosity of how our team work- you see, we operate with this high level of co-operation and like an exclusive clique, we do VERY well. The rest do not quite seem to understand our model and then there were lots of changes made to shake up the organisation in order to accomodate the entrance of our team. We seemed too good to be true.
I realised from last night that I have fast earned the reputation amongst my new peers of being very good at what I do- that is, mapping out teams. Having started my profession with one of the hardest sector practice (and of course, in the big ticket league in terms of billings), some are quite amazed at my ability to extract information with very little tools or help to work with. You see- they don't do as much cold calling (me, the person with the greatest phone phobia have once again had to confront my fears squarely) and my job must be viewed as rather shitty and daunting. There are days when I get in and out of my mission swiftly, my heart continues to pulsate quickly still afterwards and I heaved a sigh of relief that I managed to get what I want. After all, you only get one shot at it and after which, you lie low for a while...
So we talked and I realised from someone's conversation with another that I have been severely underpaid. I am not surprised because either way, I am going to get a pay rise. The last remuneration meeting, the Big Man of the firm for the region had mentioned that some of us have been severely underpaid and he looked at me. I knew he meant me- I am patient. Besides, the market has been tight lately and lots of poaching has been going on. They would not want to lose another staff. But I do have my own back-up plans and again, I am more than capable to negotiate for a good deal to advance myself financially...
The group broke up into smaller chatting groups and accountant and I moved on to speak personally amongst ourselves and again he mentioned about bonuses. He told me that I was to get $x- he has just submitted the budget and it has been approved. And that he did so by reducing his own share. He figured a colleague and I deserved more and so he allocated lesser for the finance team. He had put it across the boss that this should be a fair amount for me or the boss could potentially lose me.
$x- was within my expectation. In fact, that was exactly how much I paced myself to be getting. It was at least what I needed to pay off that wad of bills and to boost that fast diminishing savings. By June, I need to seriously look for somewhere to buy and work on planning and creating my wealth. But realising that it came at the expense of others, I am dumbfounded at the idea.
What can I say? I do have good friends. Not only him but this entire week, I was able to get some vital information because I have good friends, like Dope ("Why did you have to tell your boss? Best to keep the credit to yourself," he had said) and another hedge fund analyst friend from my old days in that business doing boring things.
Then there was the time where the accountant and I were severely hung over and did not turned up for work. Everyone knew that we went out drinking. He took the rap for me and lied to the boss that I left for home early as I was genuinely unwell.
I feel like a charlatan most days at work and with much luck amongst people, I advance. I am grateful and wonder at times if my luck would run out soon.
****
" Big brother (in his native language), but you know I might still leave even if I get that amount of bonus right?"
"Yes and it doesn't matter. I want you to leave with a good bonus if you decide to leave. You deserve it.
But make sure the money gets into your bank account first. By the way, the boss has lots of respect and regard for the work you put in for the team."
****
The other party that I have been in talks with have just summoned me for yet another round of interview. This time with that mysterious lady who provided my name. They seemed very keen to move forward with me.
It would be a step up to my current role but not fraud with elements of uncertainties. There is no turning back to a tier 1 firm if I make myself bold. But for the longer term, I might well make that professional or financial break to push for my agenda for our (DL and my) lives to finally come together. With the right mentors, the right employer fit and the right financial backing, I might finally be able to move onwards in my life and expand my ambitions into the other areas and make those dreams come true.
That is, if I could stick it out and earn my stripes with the new entreprenuerial and moneyed bunch.
Am I glad that I can finally return home to Singapore next weekend and take time off to think and strategise the next step in my life...
Ah, all the adult responsibilities with the coming of age...
Thursday, January 11, 2007
A Date on the Company
Towards the end of the evening, the boss came by and asked P to produce some rankings survey by next morning. She knew she was in so much trouble on where to get them. Her lack of motivation also left her somewhat unfazed and she was still determined to leave the office at 6pm. P replied yes the boss would be given something by tomorrow morning.
She made a call to Dope. He said he had to look around. The guys on the trading floor have left. But she wasn't sure if he could produce her with the goods these time round. The last few times, Dope was not too successful in satisfying her professional needs. And he was still ploughing away at his desk so she thought it best to leave that thought with him than to press him on for immediate delivery.
The next morning, she logged onto her computer. Dope has sent an attachment- not the latest rankings report but that would do for the moment before she could pull one of her other magic stunts. She printed out the survey and delivered it to the boss.
"Where did you get it?" the boss must know that P must have pulled favours from elsewhere to deliver such efficiency.
"My friend was kind enough to pull something out for me," P replied.
"Whose your friend?"
"Dope."
"Ah Dope. He's helped you a fair bit, hasn't he?"
"Yes."
"Listen. I would like you to take him out for lunch on the company to thank him. If you haven't got enough on you, please come to me for some money."
P is the only person without a corporate credit card within the team.
"You clever monkey..." the boss kept repeating as P exited from her office.
*****
So P emailed Dope and informed him that he would be pleased to know that the Big Man's wife has specifically asked for him to be taken out for lunch.
She cheekily added that it is rare for them to meet up these days, let alone a rendevzous on the company account.
Mixing business with pleasure.
What a great idea!
Towards the end of the evening, the boss came by and asked P to produce some rankings survey by next morning. She knew she was in so much trouble on where to get them. Her lack of motivation also left her somewhat unfazed and she was still determined to leave the office at 6pm. P replied yes the boss would be given something by tomorrow morning.
She made a call to Dope. He said he had to look around. The guys on the trading floor have left. But she wasn't sure if he could produce her with the goods these time round. The last few times, Dope was not too successful in satisfying her professional needs. And he was still ploughing away at his desk so she thought it best to leave that thought with him than to press him on for immediate delivery.
The next morning, she logged onto her computer. Dope has sent an attachment- not the latest rankings report but that would do for the moment before she could pull one of her other magic stunts. She printed out the survey and delivered it to the boss.
"Where did you get it?" the boss must know that P must have pulled favours from elsewhere to deliver such efficiency.
"My friend was kind enough to pull something out for me," P replied.
"Whose your friend?"
"Dope."
"Ah Dope. He's helped you a fair bit, hasn't he?"
"Yes."
"Listen. I would like you to take him out for lunch on the company to thank him. If you haven't got enough on you, please come to me for some money."
P is the only person without a corporate credit card within the team.
"You clever monkey..." the boss kept repeating as P exited from her office.
*****
So P emailed Dope and informed him that he would be pleased to know that the Big Man's wife has specifically asked for him to be taken out for lunch.
She cheekily added that it is rare for them to meet up these days, let alone a rendevzous on the company account.
Mixing business with pleasure.
What a great idea!
Monday, January 01, 2007
On M and the night at the Latino Club
16th December 2006
Ok, it must be the time of the year. M-time. B, the best friend has said I am always seasonal when it comes to bestowing my affection for the men in my life. I rang her at 3.30am my time this morning. I had been drinking for at least more than a good twelve hours at the stage- wine, spirits, shots and cocktails. I spent all night talking about art and writing, singing and dancing. But I am still in one piece. No hangovers or vomiting fits albeit experiencing a slight tipsiness pre-sleep. I have since awakened and it is now noon and I am writing.
And I also happen to realize for once, I am writing in the first person narration.
Must be a nice change for my small handful of readers and a refreshing start for my good self.
****
So last night, I ended up at a Latino club.
I danced with two different Latino men.
I have not danced for years.
I think it has something to do with my soul.
I stopped dancing since I have been with DL. For some reason, I lack the confidence to gyrate and shake and jiggle and let my hair down like the way I did some seven or eight years ago.
I get too self-conscious these days and I am relegated to a drink in hand for the most parts.
While in my younger days, we hardly drink. We went to the clubs for the dance and the music.
****
So last night at the club, while the Latino DJ spun away and worked the crowd on the floor, I texted M.
I told him it reminded me of our time in Paris.
****
It was the day we formally met and got hooked up. I was terrible at dancing and Pato tried to lead me in the salsa. I was too embarrassed and was laughing away. M stood at one side watching encouragingly. I told Pato I have had enough and went back to M. We found a place to sit down and watch the Latino lovers work the dance floor, heating the place up with their sensuous movements and the way their bodies and eyes connect. There was a lot of energy and amidst my tipsiness, I remembered my nights in Havana and again, it was a night for lovers and I felt the romance in the air once more.
That night, we kissed passionately for god knows how long. Cas said we were kissing the entire night and I was sitting on M’s lap the whole time.
“You are beautiful.”
“Oh, thank you.”
“Why thank me? Thank your parents.”
(As we re-visit our romance a year on later, we made love and I heard those words again.
“You are beautiful.”
“Oh, thank you.” I replied coyly once more.
“Why thank me? Thank your parents.” This time we said it together. We looked into each other’s eyes as we recalled that magical night in Paris.)
Pato and Cas had to tug at my arm to curtail our snogging session to signal for time to sojourn to the apartment in Le Marais to continue whatever activities we would like to engage privately or jointly.
****
I miss you and I cannot tell you how much I do.
He texted back immediately.
Hey, enjoy the place. Don’t get too nostalgic n hope to c u soon. Besos.
Ah well, not feeling that nostalgic. Nowhere beats that place but I guess I just want to tell you that I always love you in spite of myself.
I meant in spite of my misgivings. I meant that for every man that I felt.
(I once said to Dope perhaps if I could split myself many ways, then I would want each of me to give all the affection and passion I have for each of the man I truly adore. Dope has always understand that I was a lover which he must have looked to for inspiration but again, I could never invigorate his restrained soul enough.)
I haven’t said those magic three words since he departed.
There was no reply afterwards.
I expected it.
What else do I expect him to say?
That he love me too?
****
So I was dancing on the dance floor last night till this morning.
First, I was invited to dance with a Latino with an Australian accent. He wore a white suit jacket and jeans.
I told him I couldn’t dance and he said he would lead me.
He asked if I ever dance because he said I was lying. He could tell that I dance.
Ballet and Chinese dance I told him and before I could finish my sentence, I was being twirled and whirled again.
I asked where his origins were from. He said Chile. That made me felt nostalgic.
At the end of the dance, he said I did well and had just done the meringue with him.
We danced another dance that night.
****
Latino Two asked me for a dance.
Again, I said I couldn’t.
In his Latino accent (I think he’s Columbian), he said he would teach me.
“ One, two, three, step left. One, two, three, step right…”
So I followed and he twirled me round and round and that night he did something to awake my soul…
